The Jaffe Briefing - October 29, 2021

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – It’s the last lap in the race for governor, as Phil Murphy and Jack Ciattarelli huff and puff to Tuesday’s finish. Murphy hosted Sen. Bernie Sanders last night, in this must-read account from TAPInto New Brunswick, while Ciattarelli has been hitting the diners, looking for voters between mouthfuls of corned beef hash. The very latest poll, courtesy of Stockton University, has Murphy up by nine points, with three percent saying they are still undecided and others just refusing to divulge anything. Stockton reported that nine-point lead last month, too, so the GOP challenger better offer plenty of last-minute tricks and treats.

STATEWIDE – There’s no better story than getting a whole bunch of guns off New Jersey’s streets and melting them down. And that’s exactly what law enforcement did with its latest gun buyback program. It’s beautifully simple and effective. Use forfeiture money to buy these weapons, with absolutely no questions asked, from the public. Law enforcement was able to collect 2,800 firearms, Attorney General Andrew Bruck announced, including 29 best described as “assault weapons.” It cost just $400,000 in other people’s money to get all these guns and rifles off the streets. Maybe do the same with the “Jersey Shore” DVD collection?

BRIEFING BREATHER

There’s a healthy fruit that tastes exactly like chocolate pudding. (Black Sapote)

CLIFTON – A crass PR guru once said the best news stories fall in one of four categories: tits, tots, pets and vets. And as we are desperate for you to read this newsletter daily, let’s take you to Clifton and the story of a couple who scooped up five unconscious kittens from floodwaters at 6:30 a.m. on Tuesday and rushed them to vets on Route 3, NJ.com reports. The 20-week-old pets were suffering from hypothermia, so they needed to be warmed up. They are now recuperating comfortably at “Smitten by Kittens” in Morristown, awaiting adoption from tots. Sorry, no tits in this story.

(Editor’s note: “Vets” should mean veterans, but it fits well here with veterinarians. It’s Friday, give us a break.)

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

BERLIN – The defense’s argument: The men paid me to cut off their genitals. Yep, that is what a 66-year-old electrician is telling the regional court in Munich at his trial for killing one man and mutilating several others with a knife at his kitchen table. OK, now this story gets weirder: Apparently, all of the chop-chopping was a paid “sexual service,” as part of some wacko sado-masochistic thing found on websites. The defendant argues he was making some extra money on the side, castrating, or partially amputating, the genitals of eight men between July 2018 and March 2020. The knife-wielding electrician claimed he had absolutely nothing to do with the death of one of his, eh, clients, who cops found in a box three weeks after he visited the kitchen table. Apparently, it was all unrelated.

ONLINE – Facing bad press? You could spend time and effort to resuscitate your brand, learn from your mistakes and set a course of action for success.  Or, ignore it all and convince others it never happened. Better yet, why not just change your name?  Mark Zuckerberg is betting that you will forget a whole bunch of bad press on systemic failures, hate speech and misinformation, as he changes the name of his Facebook empire to Meta, even the stock ticker and logo. So, if you are ok with this smokescreen, let's learn more about Meta. Facebook describes its new company as “a set of virtual spaces where you can create and explore with other people who aren’t in the same physical space as you.” Meta, as conceived, is much bigger than our pea-sized brains, promising augmented reality that takes video chat to an entirely new level of ongoing personal intrusion. And who doesn’t want that?

FLUSHING, QUEENS – Chris Christie will likely never be President. But how about president of baseball operations for the New York Mets? The team has had an impossible time finding its next president, with three really good candidates “eliminated” earlier this month. Enter Christie – a huge Mets fan and a member of the team’s board of governors. He’s now been asked to join in the search for this high-profile executive, the New York Post reports. And can you think of a more perfect job for someone who yearns to remain “high-profile” and an “executive,” while feeding the New York tabloids with daily fodder about himself? Vote Christie for President… of the Mets.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 2013 that the NASDAQ was closed for 44 minutes because of human error. That human remains in hiding.

WORD OF THE DAY

Sanguivorous – [sang-gwiv-er-uhs] – adjective

Definition: Feeding on blood, as a bat or insect.

Example: May all your little vampires have a sanguivorous appetite this weekend.

WIT OF THE DAY

“Hyperbole was to Lyndon Johnson what oxygen is to life.”

-Bill Moyers

BIDEN BLURB

“I don’t think it's hyperbole to say that the House and Senate (Democratic) majorities and my presidency will be determined by what happens in the next week.”

-Joe Biden

WEATHER IN A WORD

Wet