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The Jaffe Briefing - July 29, 2021

TRENTON – So, yeah, masks are now “strongly recommended” indoors where there are crowds, says Gov. Phil Murphy, following the latest federal guidance. While this is a sensible request, as the COVID numbers rise in the state, not everyone is on board. Just ask super-conservative Sen. Michael Doherty, who dashed off a press release saying: “The Murphy administration continues to engage in a massive display of fear-mongering over the Delta variant,” adding “nobody should be shocked if the Murphy administration uses it as an excuse to lockdown New Jersey again and reimpose all of the COVID restrictions and mask mandates we fought to have lifted.” Sure, Doherty’s logic makes perfect sense: If you want to be re-elected as governor, shut down the state. Voters love that stuff.

RARITAN – It may sound a little harsh, but it’s hard not to agree with Republican gubernatorial candidate Jack Ciattarelli, who says all these extra unemployment benefits are keeping people away from work. So, he says, New Jersey needs to finally stop accepting the federal $300 supplemental unemployment benefit. Ciattarelli is urging state officials to join other states that have ended the weekly federal supplement. Ciattarelli is pointing to the obvious: The state has plenty of unemployment claims, yet there are “help wanted” signs everywhere, especially down the shore. “The two don't go together,” the GOP contender said. “The reason is because Phil Murphy won't turn off the unemployment spigot.” He is arguing for some type of magical, established balance, in which people who actually need benefits get them, as opposed to the many others who are taking a glorious summer off, courtesy of New Jersey.

PATERSON – After the Randolph school board walked into a buzz saw in June, famously eliminating Columbus Day, and then not, Paterson school officials are now next in line. The city's schools are the latest to decide not to celebrate Columbus Day and instead designated the second Monday in October as “Italian Heritage Day/Indigenous People’s Day,” the Paterson Press reports. In a resolution unanimously approved last week, the Paterson Board of Education concluded: "Columbus’ arrival in the Americas caused harm to the territory’s indigenous populations, making the annual celebration of this event controversial." Yet, in the hopes of not offending anyone (good luck), the Paterson schools will include 'Italian Heritage Day' as part of the new holiday name. Also, for good measure to appease people, the board also “recognizes that Columbus’ Italian heritage has great meaning to many Italian Americans.” Let’s see if this sticks.

NEWTON – And since we closely monitor who’s offended now, we take you to Newton. The school district’s mascot is the “Newton Brave,” and it’s got a terrific tagline: “Home of the Brave.” But, uh-oh, there are now people coming to the school board meetings, talking about insensitivity, the New Jersey Herald reports. The discussion was prompted by a 15-year-old sophomore, who wrote an essay asking whether the Brave should remain as the high school mascot. Tuesday’s meeting included a 90-minute discussion on the issue – likely not going away. Here’s the petition to “Save the Brave.”

BRIEFING BREATHER

Space smells like seared steak.

BRIDGETON – Sure, you have a porch pirate from time to time. But a local man somehow figured out how to steal – get this – 8,824 Amazon packages, worth $274,000 from the Amazon fulfillment center in Logan since November. His job was to take the packages from the mega-warehouse to the post office. Yet thousands of these packages never exactly arrived. He explained to humorless Amazon officials that he was desperate to make ends meet through the pandemic. Amazon has barcodes on everything, everywhere, as well as cameras, so it is surprising this third-party worker got away with stealing just one of these “smile” boxes before the Amazon authorities descended.

STATEWIDE – Feeling trendy? Head to your local McDonald’s. No, we are not joking and, no, this is not a paid message. The AP is reporting the dining rooms of the fast-food giant are now exploding with customers, as they were reopened in the second quarter following an ease of pandemic restrictions. Revenue jumped 57% to $5.9 billion while global sales were up 40.5% from this time last year. McDonald’s also jacked up its prices, of course, fueling more revenue. There also happened to be an exciting meal promotion with the South Korean band BTS, a key factor in our decision on where to buy a processed hamburger.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

LONDON – A local woman secretly swapped seven pebbles for $4.2 million in diamonds. No one would notice, right? Well, not exactly, which is why she is headed to at least 5-½ years in prison for this brazen jewelry heist in the city’s tony Mayfair district. The 60 -year-old woman was part of an international gang that fled to France after boldly stealing the diamonds from Boodles on New Bond Street five years ago. While she was recovered, the gems are still out there, somewhere. To get access, the woman and her cohorts had a series of meetings with Boodles staff on the pretense that they represented a wealthy Russian investor who was looking to purchase big-time gems. Perhaps she will be in the prison’s theater group.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1993 that Cincinnati Reds pitcher Thomas Browning was arrested for marijuana possession. What a scandal.

WORD OF THE DAY

Bivouac – [BIV-uh-wak] – verb

Definition: To take shelter

Example: I bivouacked in a tent in my backyard until the cicadas constant, loud chirping became too annoying.

WIT OF THE DAY

“You can take the guy out of the neighborhood but you can't take the neighborhood out of the guy.”

-Frankie Valli

BIDEN BLURB

“In my neighborhood, when you've got something to say to a guy, you look him in the eye and you say it to him.”

-Joe Biden 

WEATHER IN A WORD

Boom