The Jaffe Briefing - May 19, 2021

STATEWIDE – By the time you are old, toothless and feeble, filling out your final days with solitaire and Jell-O, you can find solace in the fact the tax man may finally be done with you. But, over the course of your life living in New Jersey, he has shaken you down for nearly $1 million for taxes on income, property, cars and that pre-packaged gelatin you are attempting to enjoy. Bloomberg reports New Jerseyans pay more in lifetime taxes than residents of any other state, with an average grand total of $931,698, well above the $827,185 for Massachusetts residents and $805,213 for Connecticut. In yet more perspective, the average taxes nationally are $525,037, as we are forced to give away about one-third of our earnings. Angry about all that lost moolah? You could have been from West Virginia and just paid $321,000. But, then, you would have lived a lifetime in a state where Jell-O is considered the third course of fine dining.

RANDOLPH – Columbus Day is steadily biting the dust in New Jersey, as another school district is renaming the holiday as “Indigenous Peoples’ Day” on the school calendar, NJ.com reports. The Randolph school board swiftly voted 8-0 to rename the holiday, in just two minutes of proceedings, as many continue to give a critical stink eye to the famous Italian explorer who sailed across the Atlantic Ocean in 1492 and “discovered” the New World. Of course, this remains controversial, especially among Italian Americans who believe Columbus Day is a tribute to the stalwart immigrants who faced enormous discrimination when they reached our shining shores. But now, at least in Randolph, the day is about marking the Native Americans who were already here for centuries before Europeans stumbled upon the land.

TRENTON – A busy signal is about as outdated as, say, a dial tone. Yet, NJ.com reports, there were plenty of busy signals at the state’s unemployment office last year, despite an $11.2 million contract to a company that developed a call center from June through December. Last July, more than 1 million calls were made to the call center from more than 160,297 individual callers. Nearly 78% got a busy signal, the data shows. In August, nearly 1.2 million calls were made, with 80% getting the same damn signal. NJ.com reports many stories of desperate people calling dozens of times a day, to no avail. Records for this year are not yet available. Or, in the state’s call center vernacular, there is a busy signal.

BRIEFING BREATHER

A cubic inch of human bone can bear the weight of five standard pickup trucks.

WEST LONG BRANCH – It’s silly and unimportant, but fun. Monmouth University is snagging some easy headlines this morning by reporting who is the most popular living ex-governor. Anyone who follows Jersey politics can probably write this without even reading the poll. But here we go anyway. Tom Kean, of course, is the most popular, even as a Republican in such a dense Democratic state. He is followed by Gov. Phil Murphy and Dick Codey. And at the rock bottom? Of course it is Chris Christie. But the bottom three also include Jim McGreevey and Jon Corzine. It is all a great relief for someone like Don DiFrancesco, sitting quietly in the middle of the pack and making absolutely no news through this poll.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

LEE COUNTY, FL. – Sheriff’s deputies are calling a local alligator “hangry,” for being both angry and hungry as he chased customers through a Wendy’s parking lot. It was a busy day for the Lee County Sheriff’s Office, as well as Florida wildlife personnel, trying to capture a six-foot gator who seemed consumed by some guy’s medium-sized Frosty. "He may have just been 'hangry' for a cheeseburger, but he gave many quite the scare!" the sheriff's office tweeted. The alligator was safely captured and relocated to a more suitable area, likely a Burger King where he can have it his way.

NEW YORK – Giuliani for Governor? Yep, just as dear old dad has likely the lowest public opinion ratings of any former politician since Chris Christie, Andrew Giuliani thinks this may be the perfect time to make his own run for NY power. The former Trump aide is hoping to clinch the GOP nomination and the opportunity to take on besieged Gov. Andrew Cuomo, riding to victory on that pristine Giuliani reputation. (See Borat.)  “Giuliani vs. Cuomo. Holy smokes. It is Muhammad Ali vs. Joe Frazier,” junior Giuliani told the NY Post. Uh, not exactly.  Anyway, you can bet the former president will be firmly in his corner, as he is widely known for his intense, unwavering loyalty to his supporters and staff.

LAW TALK

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1995 that a real-life Doogie Howser graduates medical school at age 17. That would be Balamurali Ambati, from Mount Sinai Medical School.

WORD OF THE DAY

Rictus – [RIK-tus] – noun

Definition: A gaping grim or grimace

Example: Have you seen all these goofy ads for NYC mayoral candidates? Turning a rubber face into a rictus.

WIT OF THE DAY

“Were all men equal tonight, some would get the start by rising an hour earlier tomorrow.”

-Elizabeth Gaskell

BIDEN BLURB

“We hold these truths to be self-evident: all men and women are created, by the, you know the, you know the thing.”

-Joe Biden 

WEATHER IN A WORD

Sizzling