The Jaffe Briefing - December 8, 2020
PATERSON – A new, growing business in New Jersey: COVID speakeasies. Cops are now on the prowl for late-night bars, designed to keep the booze flowing illegally during the winter months. Paterson police were able to nab two of these businesses over the weekend, one operating out of a restaurant, the other out of a strip mall. Neither of these speakeasies had licenses to sell booze, and it appears that no one seemed to care. Cops were lured by the loud music and the odor from hookah pipes after 10 p.m., when eateries and bars are required to close. One of these parties even had a DJ and a security guard, while the other required customers to circle around the back of the building and park elsewhere. Assume there was also a secret knock – and – heck maybe even a password. Like “Knucklehead.”
JERSEY CITY – It seems like Jersey City will be home to the very first COVID-19 memorial in the state, as a former Superfund on the Hackensack River is being converted into a passive park. More than 500 trees will be planted in a grove called “Skyway Park,” with each tree dedicated to a city resident who died from COVID. Each person’s name will also be on a memorial wall, giving family and friends a place to mourn and reflect. It all sounds beautiful, and a great way to fully convert a polluted tract that was home to spontaneous underground fires and thick, acrid smoke that made it near impossible to drive along the Pulaski Skyway. It does seem quick to create a memorial to a pandemic that is still raging; one can only hope that grove doesn’t require many more trees.
TRENTON – With what appears to be 12 more weeks of frigid cold, coupled by all these stay-at-home recommendations, at least state officials are doing their part to ease the burden. Not only are they ending marijuana arrests, but now they may be easing up on magic mushrooms. The Assembly now wants to lower criminal penalties for those caught with `shrooms, meaning that possession would be downgraded to a disorderly persons offense. Right now, being nabbed with a bag could be punishable with three to five years in prison – a bit harsh, dude. In any case, it promises to be a fuzzy winter for many New Jerseyans.
STATEWIDE – The vaccine for the coronavirus is not yet here, so what’s new to write? Hmm. How about a poll that shows 40% of New Jerseyans would refuse it? The poll from Newark-based nonprofit Project Ready says four out of 10 won’t get the FDA-approved vaccine – even if it was provided at no cost. Politics are at play, as always. For instance, 80 percent of Democrats say they’ll take the vaccine, while 60 percent of Republicans and 53 percent of independents would decline. Interesting to see how those numbers will change when the vaccine is available next year, allowing those who are vaccinated to return to more normal lives.
BRIEFING BREATHER
It would take 1.2 million mosquito bites to drain the blood from your average human.
WRIGHTSTOWN – It seems everyone is trying to get back into school in New Jersey these days, as C.B. Lamb Elementary School is showing a video of a deer who charged head-first into a large glass window in the early morning hours. Oh, deer. It’s assumed the deer mistook its own reflection for a rival deer, as he repeatedly heat-butted into the windows and a door. After a few minutes of driving his head into thick glass, he figured maybe it was not worth it and wandered off, nothing to fawn over.
STAFFORD TOWNSHIP - A furry suspect wearing a Santa costume and a fiendish grin has been caught trying to steal Christmas. Same old story, right? This Grinch – tall, green and mean – was arrested after he was spotted trying to make off with some Christmas trees at a local flea market on Dec. 4, the Asbury Park Press reports. Police say it was part of The Grinch’s plot to steal the townspeople’s Christmas gifts, decorations and holiday goodies. Upon further questioning, The Grinch admitted he was going to cart the holiday loot to a place called Mount Crumpit (must be in the Pine Barrens) and dump it all. “He’s a mean one,” said the arresting officer. Good thing he’s behind bars or the good people of Stafford would be scrooged.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BOSTON – There’s a black-on-black 2006 Porsche 911 Carrera S for sale for just $25,000. But if you want some real fun, you can blow the cash on the world’s first commercially printed Christmas card. Whoa. Just stop there. Yep, the card was originally marketed in 1843, the same year as Charles Dickens published “A Christmas Carol.” So, feel free to spend $25,000 for an image of some large, unknown, all-dead family gathering around an old table, drinking glasses of wine, courtesy of some Boston book dealer. Trust us, sooo much more fun than the Porsche.
BAR GRAMMAR
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2010 that a massive, fiery meteor rips across the night sky in the United Kingdom. In direct response, the queen secures a new hat.
WORD OF THE DAY
Ambit – [am-bit] – noun
Definition: A sphere of operation or influence; range; scope.
Example: My ambit in my house, while perceived to be grand, involves lots of trash disposal.
WIT OF THE DAY
“The White House Cross Hall & Grand Foyer overflow with love, joy, peace, hope & faith, revealing the most important gifts of the season. The scene reminds us of the many blessings in our own lives & how grateful we are to call this beautiful land our home.”
-Melania Trump
TODAY'S TRUMPISM
“Fraudulent result!”
-Donald J. Trump
WEATHER IN A WORD
Chill
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun
TheNew60Comic.Com
PATERSON – A new, growing business in New Jersey: COVID speakeasies. Cops are now on the prowl for late-night bars, designed to keep the booze flowing illegally during the winter months. Paterson police were able to nab two of these businesses over the weekend, one operating out of a restaurant, the other out of a strip mall. Neither of these speakeasies had licenses to sell booze, and it appears that no one seemed to care. Cops were lured by the loud music and the odor from hookah pipes after 10 p.m., when eateries and bars are required to close. One of these parties even had a DJ and a security guard, while the other required customers to circle around the back of the building and park elsewhere. Assume there was also a secret knock – and – heck maybe even a password. Like “Knucklehead.”
JERSEY CITY – It seems like Jersey City will be home to the very first COVID-19 memorial in the state, as a former Superfund on the Hackensack River is being converted into a passive park. More than 500 trees will be planted in a grove called “Skyway Park,” with each tree dedicated to a city resident who died from COVID. Each person’s name will also be on a memorial wall, giving family and friends a place to mourn and reflect. It all sounds beautiful, and a great way to fully convert a polluted tract that was home to spontaneous underground fires and thick, acrid smoke that made it near impossible to drive along the Pulaski Skyway. It does seem quick to create a memorial to a pandemic that is still raging; one can only hope that grove doesn’t require many more trees.
TRENTON – With what appears to be 12 more weeks of frigid cold, coupled by all these stay-at-home recommendations, at least state officials are doing their part to ease the burden. Not only are they ending marijuana arrests, but now they may be easing up on magic mushrooms. The Assembly now wants to lower criminal penalties for those caught with `shrooms, meaning that possession would be downgraded to a disorderly persons offense. Right now, being nabbed with a bag could be punishable with three to five years in prison – a bit harsh, dude. In any case, it promises to be a fuzzy winter for many New Jerseyans.
STATEWIDE – The vaccine for the coronavirus is not yet here, so what’s new to write? Hmm. How about a poll that shows 40% of New Jerseyans would refuse it? The poll from Newark-based nonprofit Project Ready says four out of 10 won’t get the FDA-approved vaccine – even if it was provided at no cost. Politics are at play, as always. For instance, 80 percent of Democrats say they’ll take the vaccine, while 60 percent of Republicans and 53 percent of independents would decline. Interesting to see how those numbers will change when the vaccine is available next year, allowing those who are vaccinated to return to more normal lives.
BRIEFING BREATHER
It would take 1.2 million mosquito bites to drain the blood from your average human.
WRIGHTSTOWN – It seems everyone is trying to get back into school in New Jersey these days, as C.B. Lamb Elementary School is showing a video of a deer who charged head-first into a large glass window in the early morning hours. Oh, deer. It’s assumed the deer mistook its own reflection for a rival deer, as he repeatedly heat-butted into the windows and a door. After a few minutes of driving his head into thick glass, he figured maybe it was not worth it and wandered off, nothing to fawn over.
STAFFORD TOWNSHIP - A furry suspect wearing a Santa costume and a fiendish grin has been caught trying to steal Christmas. Same old story, right? This Grinch – tall, green and mean – was arrested after he was spotted trying to make off with some Christmas trees at a local flea market on Dec. 4, the Asbury Park Press reports. Police say it was part of The Grinch’s plot to steal the townspeople’s Christmas gifts, decorations and holiday goodies. Upon further questioning, The Grinch admitted he was going to cart the holiday loot to a place called Mount Crumpit (must be in the Pine Barrens) and dump it all. “He’s a mean one,” said the arresting officer. Good thing he’s behind bars or the good people of Stafford would be scrooged.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BOSTON – There’s a black-on-black 2006 Porsche 911 Carrera S for sale for just $25,000. But if you want some real fun, you can blow the cash on the world’s first commercially printed Christmas card. Whoa. Just stop there. Yep, the card was originally marketed in 1843, the same year as Charles Dickens published “A Christmas Carol.” So, feel free to spend $25,000 for an image of some large, unknown, all-dead family gathering around an old table, drinking glasses of wine, courtesy of some Boston book dealer. Trust us, sooo much more fun than the Porsche.
BAR GRAMMAR
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2010 that a massive, fiery meteor rips across the night sky in the United Kingdom. In direct response, the queen secures a new hat.
WORD OF THE DAY
Ambit – [am-bit] – noun
Definition: A sphere of operation or influence; range; scope.
Example: My ambit in my house, while perceived to be grand, involves lots of trash disposal.
WIT OF THE DAY
“The White House Cross Hall & Grand Foyer overflow with love, joy, peace, hope & faith, revealing the most important gifts of the season. The scene reminds us of the many blessings in our own lives & how grateful we are to call this beautiful land our home.”
-Melania Trump
TODAY'S TRUMPISM
“Fraudulent result!”
-Donald J. Trump
WEATHER IN A WORD
Chill
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun
TheNew60Comic.Com