The Jaffe Briefing - December 15, 2020
The Jaffe Briefing finishes the year on Wednesday, December 16, returning Monday, Jan. 4, 2021. Happy New Year to All!
TRENTON – Wow, $8 billion in federal aid to New Jersey? That’s the latest figure banging around Washington, as the feds are still figuring out this stimulus package that has been on the front burner for longer than most can recall. NJ.com reports the state would have the fifth-highest pot of money among all the states, showing that, boy, this pandemic has hit the state particularly hard. And, how exactly would New Jersey blow through $8 billion? It has never been an issue spending money around here, so expect heaps to support unemployment, small business bail-outs and plenty of other support for those who have fallen between the cracks. Hopefully, that includes relief for renters and landlords, both of whom have had a horrific 2020.
TRENTON – With about as much drama as a dental cleaning, New Jersey’s 14 electors travelled to the capital city yesterday to do their all-important constitutional duty: to deliver the state’s electoral votes for President-elect Biden. There was an attempt at some pomp and circumstance among this 59th Electoral College, even getting the state’s chief justice to swear them in at the Statehouse, as the Electoral College convenes the first Monday after the second Wednesday in December every four years (if you can follow that). Anyway, the electors voted the way they were supposed to vote. And perhaps enjoyed some complimentary coffee. See ya in four years.
BRIEFING BREATHER
A dentist invented the electric chair.
VERNON – It’s snowing? Go out and play. That’s the eyebrow-raising message from the Vernon schools superintendent, who doesn’t believe that remote students should be stuck on computers when it would otherwise be a legitimate snow day. She is responding to state guidelines, revised because of this damn pandemic, allowing for virtual instruction on days like tomorrow, when the state is supposed to be pounded with snow. We respectfully disagree with this well-meaning, fun-filled superintendent. Students have been struggling to keep up with academics in a virtual setting and – trust us – have had plenty of extra time these days to wander outside to do whatever. Remote learning is ideal in a snow storm, when the kids are captive. And, once the last Google Meet session comes to a close, kiddies are just steps away from building a snowman. Don’t take away any more potential instructional hours. Please.
NEWTON – Everyone knows the Paycheck Protection Program was a taxpayer-funded life preserver thrown to businesses to stay afloat. And with millions quickly thrown here, and more millions thrown there, you can expect some hanky-panky. Here’s one: The Sussex Daily Voice reports a local guy is accused of using bogus payroll and tax information to snag $5.6 million. He sank a fortune of our money into the stock market, treated himself to a fancy car and booked a same-day flight to Pakistan. He was nabbed by the long arm of the law just before takeoff. The U.S. Justice Department has collared nearly 60 other PPP parasites, trying to make off with a combined $175 million. Expect many others to pile out of the clown car.
TRENTON – We all can’t wait to party like it isn’t 2020. But don’t expect those tearful festivities to occur on December 31, with state officials reminding us that – yep – all bars and restaurants will be forced to close about two hours before the ball drops. To make this wet blanket even wetter, towns and counties can even decree that local businesses should shut down even earlier, around 8 p.m. But with the way this year has been, just be happy to go to sleep early and welcome 2021 with a sigh of relief and a deep breath of hope.
JERSEY CITY – For the moment, Mayor Steve Fulop may be the most popular guy in town – announcing the city will be dashing off $1,500 checks to tenants who can’t pay the rent. It is a one-time thing, and rent is every month, of course. And a lot of apartments in Jersey City cost plenty more each month. But, hey, $1,500 is $1,500. And any bit helps both the tenants and the landlords.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BRISTOL, UK – A home was for sale, like a bunch of other homes in the city. But then a well-known, elusive street artist named Banksy decided to paint a mural on the side of the building, which suddenly makes this otherwise boring real estate worth a pretty penny. The gleeful homeowner – who never thought she would be so excited about vandalism on her property – is now taking the semi-attached house off the market, walking away from a pending sale, apparently as her family weighs many new options. Banksy calls the piece “Aachoo!,” depicting an elderly woman sneezing, sending her dentures flying out of her mouth.
BAR GRAMMAR
Times New Roman and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out -- we don't serve your type.”
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2012 that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fainted from dehydration and suffered a concussion at her house, apparently exhausted from deleting 33,000 emails.
WORD OF THE DAY
Paraselene – [ par-uh-si-lee-nee} – noun
Definition: A bright moonlike spot on a lunar halo; a mock moon.
Example: We googled a paraselene, so you can see it here.
WIT OF THE DAY
“To date, we have not seen fraud on a scale that could have effected a different outcome in the election.”
-Attorney General Bill Barr
TODAY'S TRUMPISM
“As per letter, Bill (Barr) will be leaving just before Christmas to spend the holidays with his family...”
-Donald J. Trump
WEATHER IN A WORD
Impending
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun
TheNew60Comic.Com
The Jaffe Briefing finishes the year on Wednesday, December 16, returning Monday, Jan. 4, 2021. Happy New Year to All!
TRENTON – Wow, $8 billion in federal aid to New Jersey? That’s the latest figure banging around Washington, as the feds are still figuring out this stimulus package that has been on the front burner for longer than most can recall. NJ.com reports the state would have the fifth-highest pot of money among all the states, showing that, boy, this pandemic has hit the state particularly hard. And, how exactly would New Jersey blow through $8 billion? It has never been an issue spending money around here, so expect heaps to support unemployment, small business bail-outs and plenty of other support for those who have fallen between the cracks. Hopefully, that includes relief for renters and landlords, both of whom have had a horrific 2020.
TRENTON – With about as much drama as a dental cleaning, New Jersey’s 14 electors travelled to the capital city yesterday to do their all-important constitutional duty: to deliver the state’s electoral votes for President-elect Biden. There was an attempt at some pomp and circumstance among this 59th Electoral College, even getting the state’s chief justice to swear them in at the Statehouse, as the Electoral College convenes the first Monday after the second Wednesday in December every four years (if you can follow that). Anyway, the electors voted the way they were supposed to vote. And perhaps enjoyed some complimentary coffee. See ya in four years.
BRIEFING BREATHER
A dentist invented the electric chair.
VERNON – It’s snowing? Go out and play. That’s the eyebrow-raising message from the Vernon schools superintendent, who doesn’t believe that remote students should be stuck on computers when it would otherwise be a legitimate snow day. She is responding to state guidelines, revised because of this damn pandemic, allowing for virtual instruction on days like tomorrow, when the state is supposed to be pounded with snow. We respectfully disagree with this well-meaning, fun-filled superintendent. Students have been struggling to keep up with academics in a virtual setting and – trust us – have had plenty of extra time these days to wander outside to do whatever. Remote learning is ideal in a snow storm, when the kids are captive. And, once the last Google Meet session comes to a close, kiddies are just steps away from building a snowman. Don’t take away any more potential instructional hours. Please.
NEWTON – Everyone knows the Paycheck Protection Program was a taxpayer-funded life preserver thrown to businesses to stay afloat. And with millions quickly thrown here, and more millions thrown there, you can expect some hanky-panky. Here’s one: The Sussex Daily Voice reports a local guy is accused of using bogus payroll and tax information to snag $5.6 million. He sank a fortune of our money into the stock market, treated himself to a fancy car and booked a same-day flight to Pakistan. He was nabbed by the long arm of the law just before takeoff. The U.S. Justice Department has collared nearly 60 other PPP parasites, trying to make off with a combined $175 million. Expect many others to pile out of the clown car.
TRENTON – We all can’t wait to party like it isn’t 2020. But don’t expect those tearful festivities to occur on December 31, with state officials reminding us that – yep – all bars and restaurants will be forced to close about two hours before the ball drops. To make this wet blanket even wetter, towns and counties can even decree that local businesses should shut down even earlier, around 8 p.m. But with the way this year has been, just be happy to go to sleep early and welcome 2021 with a sigh of relief and a deep breath of hope.
JERSEY CITY – For the moment, Mayor Steve Fulop may be the most popular guy in town – announcing the city will be dashing off $1,500 checks to tenants who can’t pay the rent. It is a one-time thing, and rent is every month, of course. And a lot of apartments in Jersey City cost plenty more each month. But, hey, $1,500 is $1,500. And any bit helps both the tenants and the landlords.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BRISTOL, UK – A home was for sale, like a bunch of other homes in the city. But then a well-known, elusive street artist named Banksy decided to paint a mural on the side of the building, which suddenly makes this otherwise boring real estate worth a pretty penny. The gleeful homeowner – who never thought she would be so excited about vandalism on her property – is now taking the semi-attached house off the market, walking away from a pending sale, apparently as her family weighs many new options. Banksy calls the piece “Aachoo!,” depicting an elderly woman sneezing, sending her dentures flying out of her mouth.
BAR GRAMMAR
Times New Roman and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out -- we don't serve your type.”
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2012 that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fainted from dehydration and suffered a concussion at her house, apparently exhausted from deleting 33,000 emails.
WORD OF THE DAY
Paraselene – [ par-uh-si-lee-nee} – noun
Definition: A bright moonlike spot on a lunar halo; a mock moon.
Example: We googled a paraselene, so you can see it here.
WIT OF THE DAY
“To date, we have not seen fraud on a scale that could have effected a different outcome in the election.”
-Attorney General Bill Barr
TODAY'S TRUMPISM
“As per letter, Bill (Barr) will be leaving just before Christmas to spend the holidays with his family...”
-Donald J. Trump
WEATHER IN A WORD
Impending
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun
TheNew60Comic.Com