The Jaffe Briefing - December 16, 2020

This is the last issue of the Jaffe Briefing in 2020 – (Thank the heavens).  We’ll be back on Jan. 4, 2021 to celebrate a whole new year!

STATEWIDE – Sure, you can go to a real meteorologist for your weather news today. But why not just come to us? Based on zero inside knowledge or training, but glued to early-morning news, we can report with absolute confidence that this could be the biggest snowstorm in years. If you examine the weather maps, as we have, you will see the Jersey shore will get sleet, Central Jersey could get five inches and northern sections of the state may get walloped with up to 15 inches. All can change, as those darn models keep moving, but we can firmly say that it will likely snow at some point this afternoon. The good news: yet even more opportunity to stay home for “family time.”

BELLMAWR – Remember that gym in South Jersey that refused to close as the pandemic raged across the state? The state wants $123,900 in fines against the gym owners, who flagrantly ignored the governor’s executive order by reopening May 8. Of course, they refuse to pay up, saying the governor has no authority over their business. Hans and Franz are willing to be thrown in jail to protect their freedoms, or whatever. Here is the latest moronic comment: “This is our hill and I’ll die on it before I let you take it. Come and get us. Try all you want, but I will make you look foolish and expose you for the cowardly, petty tyrants you are…you’ll simply have to kill me first.” Meanwhile, back on this planet, this gym should pay every penny. During a fragile moment, when Gov. Phil Murphy was trying to convince the state to shut down to save lives, this dynamic duo didn’t care about public health. If many other businesses followed them, no doubt that the executive order would have been threatened and more lives would have been lost, senselessly. These gym owners – still fighting as the death toll mounts – should go pump themselves.

TRENTON – There’s a huge victory for people seeking basic human choice. If they want to change their name for some reason, no longer do they need to purchase a legal ad in a newspaper to announce the change, publicizing a notice of application, a court order and their former and new names. The state Supreme Court amended the rule this week, to the relief of transgender advocates and anyone else who thought the law was extremely stupid, woefully outdated and completely unnecessary. There was also the safety factor, as there are still people out there who have a problem with their trans and nonbinary neighbors. Posting their information could create problems for no apparent reason. Silver lining: it looks like intolerant people are still willing to read a newspaper.

BRIEFING BREATHER

Indonesia has the shortest people in the world.

NORTH JERSEY – You really don’t think much about rock falls on state highways, but the Record sure does. The newspaper has found that road construction projects have exploded in costs because of “rockfall mitigation projects.” Just a decade ago, that work would cost around $2 million. Now, much of the work could run the government $10 million to $65 million per project. Blame those darn consultants, who do all the planning and research for years on end. The Record notes one firm raked in more than $7 million to study a single project that has been in the planning phase for seven years and counting. Yet, state officials have zero cases of people getting killed or injured because of rock falls. Perhaps it is because those consultants are so terrific at their jobs. Or maybe – as the public rarely attends any of the public hearings on these mitigation plans – there’s no glaring issue, other than the exorbitant consultant costs that the Recordjust revealed.

ATLANTIC CITY – You are not exactly thinking about water parks at the moment. But that doesn’t mean that plans are in the works based on two indisputable facts: 1. Warm weather will return and 2. The pandemic will be over. And that is why $100 million could be spent at the former Showboat casino to build a glorious water park just off the boardwalk. Of course, the Showboat owner sees this as a great way to attract tourists who want to do something other than sit for hours at a slot machine, chain smoking and nursing Bud Lights. And, of course, the owner is also asking for 20 years of tax breaks to make this all happen, raising another question if this water park will ultimately sink or swim.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

PEMBROKE PINES, Fla. – Cops descended on an armed break-in at a men’s clothing store last week, after onlookers reported people storming the business with rifles. Officers arriving in full attack gear were ready for some real blam-blam, but quickly learned that the armed bandits were actually a film crew and performers who were filming a music video. The Miami Herald explains the shooting occurred when the larger shopping center was closed, so as not to prompt frantic calls to the cops. Pembroke Pines officials note there was no permit filed for the filming and the property owner wasn’t even given a heads-up. Perhaps, next time, when a film crew decides to stage a mass armed attack on a store, kindly give the cops a friendly call. 

BAR GRAMMAR

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud. 

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1997 that President Clinton names his dog, “Buddy,” which was international news. 

WORD OF THE DAY

Maraud – [me-rod] – verb

Definition: raid and plunder

Example: With the snowstorm fast approaching, expect shoppers to maraud the wine shop when it opens at noon.

WIT OF THE DAY

“If you are doing all the talking, you are boring somebody.”

-Helen Gurley Brown

TODAY'S TRUMPISM

“Poll: 92% of Republican Voters think the election was rigged!”

-Donald J. Trump

WEATHER IN A WORD

Snow!

THE NEW 60

A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive

by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun

TheNew60Comic.Com

This is the last issue of the Jaffe Briefing in 2020 – (Thank the heavens).  We’ll be back on Jan. 4, 2021 to celebrate a whole new year!

STATEWIDE – Sure, you can go to a real meteorologist for your weather news today. But why not just come to us? Based on zero inside knowledge or training, but glued to early-morning news, we can report with absolute confidence that this could be the biggest snowstorm in years. If you examine the weather maps, as we have, you will see the Jersey shore will get sleet, Central Jersey could get five inches and northern sections of the state may get walloped with up to 15 inches. All can change, as those darn models keep moving, but we can firmly say that it will likely snow at some point this afternoon. The good news: yet even more opportunity to stay home for “family time.”

BELLMAWR – Remember that gym in South Jersey that refused to close as the pandemic raged across the state? The state wants $123,900 in fines against the gym owners, who flagrantly ignored the governor’s executive order by reopening May 8. Of course, they refuse to pay up, saying the governor has no authority over their business. Hans and Franz are willing to be thrown in jail to protect their freedoms, or whatever. Here is the latest moronic comment: “This is our hill and I’ll die on it before I let you take it. Come and get us. Try all you want, but I will make you look foolish and expose you for the cowardly, petty tyrants you are…you’ll simply have to kill me first.” Meanwhile, back on this planet, this gym should pay every penny. During a fragile moment, when Gov. Phil Murphy was trying to convince the state to shut down to save lives, this dynamic duo didn’t care about public health. If many other businesses followed them, no doubt that the executive order would have been threatened and more lives would have been lost, senselessly. These gym owners – still fighting as the death toll mounts – should go pump themselves.

TRENTON – There’s a huge victory for people seeking basic human choice. If they want to change their name for some reason, no longer do they need to purchase a legal ad in a newspaper to announce the change, publicizing a notice of application, a court order and their former and new names. The state Supreme Court amended the rule this week, to the relief of transgender advocates and anyone else who thought the law was extremely stupid, woefully outdated and completely unnecessary. There was also the safety factor, as there are still people out there who have a problem with their trans and nonbinary neighbors. Posting their information could create problems for no apparent reason. Silver lining: it looks like intolerant people are still willing to read a newspaper.

BRIEFING BREATHER

Indonesia has the shortest people in the world.

NORTH JERSEY – You really don’t think much about rock falls on state highways, but the Record sure does. The newspaper has found that road construction projects have exploded in costs because of “rockfall mitigation projects.” Just a decade ago, that work would cost around $2 million. Now, much of the work could run the government $10 million to $65 million per project. Blame those darn consultants, who do all the planning and research for years on end. The Record notes one firm raked in more than $7 million to study a single project that has been in the planning phase for seven years and counting. Yet, state officials have zero cases of people getting killed or injured because of rock falls. Perhaps it is because those consultants are so terrific at their jobs. Or maybe – as the public rarely attends any of the public hearings on these mitigation plans – there’s no glaring issue, other than the exorbitant consultant costs that the Recordjust revealed.

ATLANTIC CITY – You are not exactly thinking about water parks at the moment. But that doesn’t mean that plans are in the works based on two indisputable facts: 1. Warm weather will return and 2. The pandemic will be over. And that is why $100 million could be spent at the former Showboat casino to build a glorious water park just off the boardwalk. Of course, the Showboat owner sees this as a great way to attract tourists who want to do something other than sit for hours at a slot machine, chain smoking and nursing Bud Lights. And, of course, the owner is also asking for 20 years of tax breaks to make this all happen, raising another question if this water park will ultimately sink or swim.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

PEMBROKE PINES, Fla. – Cops descended on an armed break-in at a men’s clothing store last week, after onlookers reported people storming the business with rifles. Officers arriving in full attack gear were ready for some real blam-blam, but quickly learned that the armed bandits were actually a film crew and performers who were filming a music video. The Miami Herald explains the shooting occurred when the larger shopping center was closed, so as not to prompt frantic calls to the cops. Pembroke Pines officials note there was no permit filed for the filming and the property owner wasn’t even given a heads-up. Perhaps, next time, when a film crew decides to stage a mass armed attack on a store, kindly give the cops a friendly call. 

BAR GRAMMAR

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud. 

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1997 that President Clinton names his dog, “Buddy,” which was international news. 

WORD OF THE DAY

Maraud – [me-rod] – verb

Definition: raid and plunder

Example: With the snowstorm fast approaching, expect shoppers to maraud the wine shop when it opens at noon.

WIT OF THE DAY

“If you are doing all the talking, you are boring somebody.”

-Helen Gurley Brown

TODAY'S TRUMPISM

“Poll: 92% of Republican Voters think the election was rigged!”

-Donald J. Trump

WEATHER IN A WORD

Snow!

THE NEW 60

A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive

by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun

TheNew60Comic.Com