The Jaffe Briefing - April 24, 2019
STATEWIDE - Your local meter maid is a big, fat violator of the U.S. Constitution, specifically the Fourth Amendment that safeguards us all from unreasonable searches and seizures. A federal appellate court is all over this meter maid for using chalk to mark your tires while enforcing unrealistic time limits on parking. That act is now deemed unconstitutional, NPR reports, following a federal lawsuit from a Michigan woman who has been described in court papers as a "frequent recipient of parking tickets." A three-judge panel agrees that chalking tires is now akin to physical trespassing to obtain information, therefore requiring your meter maid to first secure a warrant. Remember this the next time you run into the deli for "a quick minute."
PAULSBORO - An offshore-wind industry for New Jersey has been, well, a lot of wind for so long, one could think there's more hot air than actual megawatts. So, let's celebrate that the state is now discussing which ports are suitable for this nascent industry. And, as NJ Spotlight explains, they're not talking little-bitty jetties. They're talking mammoth facilities capable of handling the manufacture, assembly and shipping of mega-sized turbines and the other hulking parts. Paulsboro seems a likely site, but dozens of locations are in the running. Understanding the issue will be a breeze; just read NJ Spotlight.
SOUTH BRUNSWICK - It seems like any national story somehow has a Jersey angle. Even the Easter Bunny who went viral over the weekend in Orlando for beating up an assailant on the street is somehow connected to the great Garden State. The bunny, also known as 20-year-old Antoine McDonald, is a fugitive from New Jersey in connection with a car burglary last fall, the Tampa Bay Tribunereports. There's a bunch of other stuff, including the time in 2008 that he was caught on video in South Brunswick for breaking into a car. McDonald could have kept all this hush-hush - and relish in his crime-fighting anonymity as a hero bunny - but decided to go on TMZ and a bunch of other half-wit media outlets, who giddily reported his other side. Moral of the story: Never, ever trust the Easter Bunny.
JERSEY CITY - Are you reading this while stuck in traffic? Hopefully not, but it looks like you will be spending plenty more quality time with the Jaffe Briefing beginning May 6, as traffic will likely be at a full stop on the eastbound Newark Bay-Hudson County Extension of the New Jersey Turnpike. Workers will be eliminating the third travel lane that takes drivers through Jersey City to the Lincoln Tunnel. Assume this decision is all part of new and exciting ways to better serve the state's beloved commuters.
STATEWIDE - With spring finally in full swing, why not crack open your favorite pint of ice cream and get drunk? Feel free to explore the "Spirits Collection" of Haagen-Dazs, now at a store near you. You can enjoy five traditional pints made with Irish cream, rum, bourbon, or stout. And for the lactose intolerant, you can get smashed too! Enjoy the non-dairy option of "Amaretto Black Cherry Almond Toffee." Before you begin getting alarmed about all those happy children, drunk on their ice cream cones, note these pints contain less than 0.5% alcohol. Figure they are amazing additions to your cocktails and ice cream floats, making for a fuzzy and fantastic summer.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
HARRISBURG, Pa. - Thank you, Gov. Tom Wolf, for your brave and inspirational leadership, declaring Pennsylvania's new official amphibian as a slimy, 2-foot-long salamander. Adoring eyes were on the governor yesterday, as he swiftly signed legislation granting this incredible honor to the Eastern hellbender, a nocturnal animal most commonly known as a "Snot Otter." Wolf proudly noted the Snot Otter is the largest salamander in North America, as this designation is an obvious coup for the so many other states lining up to secure a fancy amphibian all their own. In making the historic announcement, the governor offered up some perspective, noting the state has not made such a landmark move since 1974, when the firefly was deemed Pennsylvania's official insect.
Meanwhile, can the state's official amphibian save me 15 percent or more on my car insurance?
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It is the fajita scandal of the century, one year ago today, as a corrections official was sent to jail for 50 years. The 53-year-old official at the Cameron County Juvenile Center had been ordering $1,251,578 worth of fajitas for the jail over nine years. But, as The Brownsville Herald reports, Gilberto Escamilla would intercept the shipments and resell them to his own customers. The scam was revealed when 800 pounds of fajitas arrived at the jail, but Escamilla wasn't there to receive them. Jail officials thought the shipment was odd, as fajitas are never, ever on the menu. That prompted a look at all the invoices over the years and a peek into Escamilla's own fridge - home to plenty of county-funded fajitas.
WORD OF THE DAY
Bloviate - [BLOH-vee-ayt] - verb
Definition: To speak or write in an excessively verbose or turgid manner
Example: It was a slow night, and the bartender was desperate to go home. But we sat around, nursed cheap beer and bloviated.
WIT OF THE DAY
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." - Zach Galifianakis
WEATHER IN A WORD
Perfect
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun
