The Jaffe Briefing - April 25, 2019
WOODBURY - Admitting we know precious little about threesomes, there still seems to be some news value in the story of a local woman who got "second-class treatment" in a tryst with her boyfriend and another woman. Apparently, she tried to burn down her boyfriend's house after the threesome went very badly for her, the Courier Post reports. The 33-year-old woman said she was all in for the big event on April 6, but then her boyfriend sent her home in a cab while the other woman stuck around for, say, Act II. Seething with anger, she returned the next day, with matches and lighter fluid, and set fire to the house on East Centre Street, creating a heckuva lot of damage. In confessing, she explained to police she was "going through a lot."
WILDWOOD - Kate Smith unveiled her version of "God Bless America" on Nov. 10, 1938, and we are still talking about it. New Jersey - always making national headlines - is now smack in the middle of the controversy, as the Wildwood mayor is now offering to take the statue of the now-controversial singer that had been removed from outside the Wells Fargo Arena where the Philadelphia Flyers play. Now, to close the loop, we just need a fugitive Easter Bunny to punch out a Kate Smith look-alike.
STATEWIDE - Interesting fact: 23% of us are worried we will get gunned down. Those are the findings in the very latest Rutgers-Eagleton Poll, showing nearly a quarter of us are "very worried" and another 28% of us are "somewhat worried" that we or someone we know will be the victim/s of gun violence in New Jersey. Pollsters note the biggest concerns are among people who live in urban areas, as there is an obvious difference between, say, East Orange and East Amwell.
NEW BRUNSWICK - A million here, a million there, and pretty soonwe're talking real money. Rutgers University has just settled with its full-time professors, allocating $17 million a year over four years for higher salaries. But what about those part-time lecturers, who earn $5,000 per class? They are now asking for $7,250 - with health benefits thrown in. Meanwhile, students - as always - are calling for a tuition freeze. Rutgers says that paying part-timers what they want will drive up tuition, and there's $102 million that has to go to all those Big 10 athletic programs. It seems every penny is already accounted for, making it impossible for the university to make everyone happy. NJ Spotlight tries to follow the money.
PHILLIPSBURG - A former local man appears fuct'd, after the federal government has denied him a trademark for his FUCT streetwear brand. Apparently, the name of his company is similar to some popular profanity, go figure, as the feds deem his application rife with "immoral" or "scandalous" language. NJ.com reports the case went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, where none of the judges would utter "FUCT" in court. The business owner argues the clothing label he founded more than 20 years is much, much more than a "bad word brand," claiming it is "actually very intuitive and questions society's usual paradigm." Uh-huh.
HARRISON - The Red Bulls are showing they are a team for everyone,offering a "sensory room" for children with autism who need a break from all the loud cheers and other hoopla at game time. Kids can still keep an eye on the game, as they relax in a quiet room with beanbag chairs and other comfy places. The Red Bulls will be hosting an "Autism Awareness" match on Saturday, when the team plays FC Cincinnati. For every ticket sold, $3 goes toward Autism Speaks. A great excuse to catch a game.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Remember that April 25 is "The Perfect Date..."
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
DUBAI - Ripped from what appears to be supermarket headlines, Dubai media is reporting the amazing case of a woman who awoke after a 27-year stupor. The National reports the woman was in a car crash in 1991 and ended up with "minimal consciousness." Over the years, the woman was tube-fed and underwent physiotherapy to prevent her muscles from deteriorating. After she was transferred to Germany, doctors had her leave her room in a wheelchair, so she could get more stimuli, such as bird song. Suddenly, she was able to say her son's name, greet doctors and recite some verses from the Quran. Hopefully, she does not ask who is the U.S. President, as that fact would likely knock her out for another 27 years.
Oh, and Happy World Penguin Day!
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2015 that three young women headed to the Russian gulag for twerking next to a memorial by the Black Sea. Prosecutors note that five women, in total, were guilty of "hooliganism" but two twerkers slipped away, claiming poor health. This was the second twerking case in Russia in April 2015; a YouTube video showed school girls dressed as bees, somehow twerking a Winnie the Pooh routine at a dance school.
WORD OF THE DAY
Verisimilitude - [ver-ə-SIM-ə-lə-tood] - verb
Definition: Seeming to be true, like "truthiness."
Example: "I can't believe all that verisimilitude going on during my threesome."
WIT OF THE DAY
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"I can tell you that the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is."
- Jim Carrey
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WEATHER IN A WORD
Quiet
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun