The Jaffe Briefing - April 2, 2019
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL - You would think that 182 candidates filing to run yesterday for the Assembly would mean there's going to be tons of bloodied in-fighting for the state Legislature. But, nah. There are contested primaries for 14 Democrats and four Republicans, but it looks like the glory of incumbency will make it a sleepy primary season. The prevailing message: We hate what is happening in Trenton, but, boy, do we love our local lawmakers.
OLD TAPPAN - You have girls on boys' wrestling teams, so why not have a boy on girls' softball teams? That's the big argument for a local, nine-year-old boy trying to play this spring in an all-girls' league. Why? Because all his friends play softball, his dad is the softball coach and, quite frankly, that fat ball is a lot easier to hit than a baseball. Fair enough. But commissioners with the Northern Valley Softball League have other ideas, suggesting the creation of a co-ed league next year, CBS reports. The concern is a bunch of boys will join the girls' league; the stronger ones would hit the ball harder and girls could get injured. The boy hopes the league changes his mind by the time the season starts in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile, he'll keep swinging.
TRENTON - State lawmakers can't seem to get out of their own waywhen it comes to negotiating recreational marijuana use in New Jersey. Yet, on medical marijuana, the Murphy administration seems to have the right prescription. There are six medical marijuana dispensaries in the Garden State but, as NJ Spotlight reports, the industry will be sprouting like weeds. The state Department of Health reckons that 50 to 90 dispensaries will be needed within the next three years to meet demand; 44,000 New Jerseyans participate in the medical marijuana program and 100 more sign up every day. Perhaps a dispensary should also open at the State House, serving as the glide-path for smoother negotiations on this weed bill. Read about other bright ideas in NJ Spotlight.
NOT MONTGOMERY - New Jersey Family magazine is out again with its annual rankings of the top 512 towns in the state for families. Naturally, all are interested that Montgomery is tops once again, based on such factors as easy living, average commute times, accessibility to hospitals, etc. But, who is rock bottom? We scrolled and scrolled and scrolled. The big winner? (Or loser?) That would be Asbury Park. Other towns at the bottom of the barrel are Long Branch (511), Wildwood (510), City of Orange (509) and Bradley Beach (508). See the full list here.
LINDEN - A state appellate court is throwing out a lawsuit from a city firefighter, injured when he sat on a toilet at the firehouse, setting off a small explosion that injured the left side of his scrotum. Yes, this prank was real, reports the Courier News. The firefighter was on-duty, in the toilet, on Nov, 27, 2015, when he heard the bang. There was blood and pain, and it was quickly learned that a fellow firefighter put a small firework in the toilet that bangs when someone sits. (Har-Har). Doctors discovered a bruising to the left testicle, prompting the $112,000-a-year firefighter to be put on ice for three weeks. Another firefighter was then suspended for seven days for the prank, which he still denies. Judges decided no lawsuit here, as stupidity does not equal malice.
ATLANTIC CITY - The latest Monopoly makeover is even more Jerseythan the original. "Monopoly: Cheater's Edition!" encourages players as young as 8 years old to swindle, steal, rent-gouge, commit identity theft and even demolish their opponents' hotels. Getting caught no longer means just going directly to jail. Failed cheaters get handcuffed to the game board, but are certainly welcomed to bribe their way out. This version is so corrupt that Hasbro should have called it "The Boardwalk Empire Edition." Then add a bimbo or two and rename it "The Jersey Shore Edition." And then throw in some psychotic suburban mobsters and call it "The Sopranos Edition." And then....
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
KIEV, UKRAINE - A comedian got the last laugh, topping the vote count in Sunday's presidential election here. TV sitcom star Volodymyr Zelenskiy overcame attempted voter fraud, bribery and ballot theft to rack up more votes than incumbent President Petro Poroshenko and a few other candidates, the BBC reports. The 41-year-old funny man has zero experience, no platform and didn't really campaign. But, his catchy slogan: "No promises. No Disappointments" tickled audiences. Because he didn't get a large enough voter majority, Zelenskiy faces an April 21 runoff rematch against Poroshenko. The Ukraine president finds none of this funny.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was one year ago today that 5.5 inches of snow fell on New Jersey.
WORD OF THE DAY
Fantod - [FAN-tahd] - noun
Definition: An outburst of emotion; a hysterical fit
Example: A firework in the toilet gave me the hounding fantods.
WIT OF THE DAY
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield
WEATHER IN A WORD
Fifties!
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing exclusive by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun
