The Jaffe Briefing - March 30, 2018
| The Jaffe Briefing heads on Spring Break Monday, April 2, returning Monday, April 9 |
OUR TAKE ON THE NEWS IN NEW JERSEY
RAHWAY - The fire chief who famously peed on himself during a drunken driving spree last year is getting a golden parachute. The 60-year-old former fire chief, pulled over in Jackson after emergency callers reported that he nearly drove into a bus, cars and a wall, is getting $160,000 for unused sick time, NJ.com reports. The fire chief, who relieved himself, was then relieved of his duties, but is getting paid for 250 unused sick days. He also was earning around $175,000 before he decided to get smashed, get behind the wheel and drive 40 miles peeing and vomiting on himself. See it all here.
TRENTON - When you hear about the state pension, there's usually plenty of sighs and eye-rolling. After all, the state pension gobbles up more and more of the state budget, making it increasingly impossible for the state to fund anything else. But NJ.com reports that things could be changing, with some - dare we say - encouraging news from the State Investment Council. So, if the stock market performs decently, and state officials provide pension contributions on a regular schedule, perhaps pensions could be 93 percent funded within three decades (or so). Yeah, a stretch to find good news here. But it's much better than the dismal reports over the years of the fund going belly-up.
HOBOKEN - Everyone just figured the guy had a beer belly. But this city resident figured something had to be wrong. After open-heart surgery in 2015, he noticed his stomach was getting bigger when the rest of his body stayed the same. Perhaps the surgeon left some tools in there. Or gauze? Or a pastrami sandwich? The New York Daily News reports it was something else: a 30-pound tumor growing in his stomach. A CAT scan was performed, over the objections of his insurance company, showing the big discovery. So the guy went back onto the operating table, doctors moved some organs around and were able to extract this crazy mass. The man now has a flat belly, a new pair of pants and a souvenir for his fireplace mantle.
TRENTON - As the capital city prays for a renaissance, it now must contend with a parting gift: Chris Christie's vision for new government buildings that, well, doesn't jive with city leaders. In the waning days of his administration, Christie submitted plans for new taxation and health buildings that are supposed to "represent a major commitment to locating state facilities and workers around the commercial and historic center of Trenton." Sounds good, but many disagree, according to the Trenton Downtowner. The big concern: The proposed development's commitment to Soviet-era architecture reminiscent of the sprawling fortress-like office buildings that favor cement blocks over easy pedestrian access. Perhaps a second look is merited; after all, state taxpayers will be paying for these buildings for a few decades or so.
JERSEY CITY - Local residents looking forward to the burlesque show Wednesday night at the Newark Avenue bar FM were disappointed to learn the performance won't go on. It was a shocker for the burlesque queen who produced and starred in 19 shows at the bar since 2012. But, apparently, the city has laws against these kinds of shows, deemed obscene, the Jersey Journal reports. The burlesque queen, Lillian Bustle, doesn't understand the big issue, as she makes sure to wear a G-string and pasties on stage. Under the ordinance, Bustle can't show "any display of a specific anatomical area." Her response? "It's silly. If you're showing this much skin, an inch more of butt or underboob is not going to make a difference."
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
SIBLEY, Iowa - This town smells like rancid dog food. That's according to a local resident who kept posting his opinion on a website. Sibley officials threatened to sue him, ordering him to stop criticizing the town's obvious odor problem from Iowa Drying and Processing, which makes a high-protein animal food supplement from pig blood. The resident started slamming the company shortly after it moved to town in 2015, prompting the city attorney to order him to shut up. A judge sided with the resident, based on obvious free speech, and told Sibley to pay $6,500 in damages and $20,000 in legal fees, as well as provide a written apology. Moreover, the judge ordered the town to hold First Amendment training for city staff, which hopefully includes that stinky city attorney who clearly slept through the first year of law school.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
The Mets, always the ugly stepchild of New York professional baseball, want to remind everyone that they beat the Yankees on this day in 1996. Yeah, it was an exhibition game. But it was a glorious win, to be reminisced 22 years later.
WORD OF THE DAY
Parlous - [PAHR-luss] - adjective
Definition: Full of danger and risk
Example: If there's one thing we learned in March, it's this: having unprotected sex with a porn star could be a parlous decision.
WEATHER IN A WORD
Warming