The Jaffe Briefing - October 31, 2017
OUR TAKE ON THE NEWS IN NEW JERSEY
WEEHAWKEN - A couple has the right to be royally pissed, after buying a $2 million condo, and then finding bottles of urine in the ceiling and walls of the bathroom. Not just that, the couple also found partially-eaten Chinese food, cupcake wrappers and other garbage in the walls, the NY Post reports. Allow us to take the giant leap that the construction workers held little regard for the yuppies who would ultimately own all this overpriced luxury in Port Imperial and dumped all their junk in the walls. What likely prompted a lawsuit against the developer was the urine-soaked insulation inside the walls of the master bedroom. The home now remains unoccupied, as the couple tries to sell it back to the developer, who unsurprisingly is balking.
BURLINGTON CITY - Local students will get to press the snooze button yet again, as school officials have mercifully voted to start the school day later. Burlington officials say students are walking the halls like exhausted zombies, drool dripping on those freshly-waxed school floors, as they stagger from class to class. So, beginning in the fall, the first bell for elementary school students will ring at 8:25 a.m., while start times for the older grades will be about 20 minutes earlier. The hope is that more kids will show up on time, perhaps even awake.
PRINCETON - Don't live in Princeton? Then you are an obvious loser. WalletHub has decreed the Mercer County town as "The Best Small Town in America." Other New Jersey towns listed in this wildly unscientific clickbait include Westfield and Fair Lawn. Apparently, there was an analysis of 1,268 U.S. cities across five fancy-sounding metrics, including affordability, economic health, education and health, quality of life and safety. Most interested in learning what is "The Worst Town in America," and praying it is not in New Jersey.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
MARSHFIELD, Wis. - What happens when you get trapped in a walk-in beer cooler? Well, the answer is a bit obvious, so we have to question the news value of this item. Police have arrested one local man who claims he got jammed in the cooler of a local convenience store. USA Today reports that cops were called to the "Kwik Trip" convenience store early one morning last week, when a 38-year-old man was sitting in the cooler, surrounded by empty cans. The man said he wanted to buy beer late the night before, somehow got locked in and just spent the night with suds and solace. The convenience store owner is not buying the story, noting the guy could have just knocked on the glass door and someone would have retrieved him.
IN THE MEDIA
SAPULPA, Okla. - A small-town Oklahoma newspaper publisher probably had dreams of being a big-city newsman. But, alas, he is slaving away in Sapulpa, Oklahoma, wherever the heck that is. So, on top of all the other indignities of his mediocre life, he recently trudged into the office bathroom, where he was promptly attacked by a hissing bobcat. The publisher was able to trap the wild animal in his bathroom until police figured out where Sapulpa is and eventually responded. The silver lining: Finally, the guy had a decent news story.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
WORD OF THE DAY
Heebie-Jeebies - [HEE-bee-JEE-beez] - noun
Definition: A condition of extreme nervousness caused by fear, worry, strain, etc.
Example: As I walked up the crumbling steps of the old mansion behind the wind-swept trees, and a cobweb brushed past my face, I got the heebie-jeebies.
WEATHER IN A WORD
Spook-tacular