The Morning Briefing - April 18, 2016
SADDLE BROOK – He's probably the luckiest drunk (still) alive. An intoxicated man who either passed out or laid between railroad tracks somehow escaped without a scratch after a speeding NJ Transit train passed right over him. The train, heading from Hoboken to Suffern on the Bergen County line, was delayed for 50 minutes near the Saddle Brook-Elmwood Park border after Saturday's incident, likely as rail workers scratched their heads and tried to figure why this guy was still intact. A NJ Transit spokesman told N.J. Advance Media the man was examined at a hospital before being arrested for trespassing and interfering with public transportation. Small price to pay, as the guardian angel for gin was obviously shining down on him.
ENGLEWOOD – Butt … butt … butt … it's really contemporary art. For showcasing a painting of a woman's bare buttocks in her gallery's front window, the owner of Borghi Fine Arts is charged for publicly displaying nudity. Now, art dealer Laura Borghi has filed a federal lawsuit saying the city violated her free speech rights because the municipal code inspector has no clue between fine art and dirty pictures, The Record reports. For a month after getting cited, the gallery owner kept displaying artist Tom Dash's painting, “Pinup,” of partially-clad woman's bare derrière. If a federal judge doesn't overturn the city's nudity ordinance, Borghi faces fines of $1,250 per day and 90 days in jail. Either way, the city is the butt of some jokes.
ON THE ROAD – Talk about distracted driving. Billboards asking Gov. Chris Christie to denounce Donald Trump are popping up along New Jersey highways, the first ones in Bergen, Hudson and Mercer counties. A new nonprofit, Bridges Over Politics for New Jersey, wants Christie to “stand up” to Trump's “racism and bigotry,” rather than stand behind him. Christie endorsed Trump after his own presidential bid fizzled. Of course, ending his bromance with Trump won't earn Christie a cabinet seat, perhaps as U.S. Secretary of Bluster. A Christie spokesman dismissed the billboards, telling The Record: “What’s sad is that anyone would give this a second look.” Really? Cause these billboards are shockingly huge.
YOUR WALLET – It is a little-known holiday – Emancipation Day – celebrating President Abraham Lincoln’s signing of the Compensated Emancipation Act and it's marked each April 16th. Why does this matter? Because this holiday – so obscure that Hallmark can't come up with a greeting card for it – is why the IRS filing deadline was moved from April 15th until today. IRS employees got Friday off, so they could run out to buy Compensated Emancipation gifts for family and friends. But, they are back at work today – all hung over from wild merry-making – and they're ready to review your tax filings. Again DUE TODAY, if you don’t ask for a six-month extension.
JERSEY CITY – One of the great border wars festering between New York and New Jersey is the bragging rights for Ellis Island. New Jersey is now looking to cement the famous immigration hub as purely ours, featuring Ellis Island on the back of the New Jersey quarter issued by the U.S. Mint, The Record reports. About 24 of the 27 acres of Ellis Island sit in New Jersey waters, which is why we are so eager to stake a claim through the “America the Beautiful” quarters. The Record notes New Jersey could easily solve the issue by suggesting, instead, the Great Falls in Paterson or maybe Thomas Edison’s lab in West Orange or maybe the Revolutionary War encampment in Morristown. There would be no way to tick off New York. But, really, where’s the fun in that?
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
MIAMI – Unclear what the after-party will be like, but we assume plenty of JELL-O shots. That’s because a local high school is coordinating a prom at a nursing home, where 101-year-old Eleanor Bessin will suit up in her finest to roll around the dance floor for what we assume will be a prom ending around 4 p.m. or so. Eleanor was supposed to have her prom on a boat in Boston, but her date was shipped off to World War II. In total, 75 seniors will be in tuxes and gowns for the event, in which some smart-aleck will be sure to spike the punch with actual sugar. Those crazy nonagenarians.
LOS ANGELES – America embraces its diversity and culture; just apparently not on airplanes. A University of California student was bounced from a Southwest Airlines plane on April 6, the NY Times reports. Drunk? No. Really loud or really fat? Nope. It’s because the student was speaking on the phone in Arabic, telling his uncle about how he heard a speech by United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. He talked about the chicken dinner he ate, but a nearby passenger told crew he was making “potentially threatening comments.” An airline rep soon arrived, asking “Why were you speaking Arabic in the plane?” Then, in true Islamophobia, the student was escorted off the plane.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1981 that began the longest professional baseball game in history. The Pawtucket Red Sox and the Rochester Red Wings started a game that ran to 4 a.m., before it was rescheduled for June 23, 1981. It ended up 33 innings, over eight hours and 25 minutes, before Pawtucket finally won the damn game, 3–2.
WORD OF THE DAY
Lagniappe (LAN-yap) — noun
Definition: A small gift presented by a storeowner to a customer with the customer's purchase.
Example: Uh, thanks for the lagniappe. But can I just buy the wallet without having to take home five free bottles of Justin Bieber cologne?