The Jaffe Briefing - April 25, 2022
NEWARK – It’s sure hard to pity the commercial airlines – with maniacal leaders who continually find new ways to squeeze even more people into the same tube (and then charge them for WiFi and a sandwich.) But the airlines have a real headache on their hands, after a federal judge ruled that passengers can’t be forced to wear masks on flights. So, think about all the people who bought tickets months ago, but now don’t want to fly the virus-filled skies. The airlines are promising to be “flexible” on a case-by-case basis. Perhaps concerned passengers can be strapped into the storage area with the luggage and penned-up pets. Only a $199 upgrade.
STATEWIDE – Well, the newly-opened weed stores made it through the first weekend of sales in New Jersey. There were no reported shortages, as some fretted. And the state did not meet its immediate demise when the first legal joints were fired up. And it appears people will be showing up for work this morning, perhaps with glassy eyes. But still showing up. It also seems the only concerns at the moment are the limited number of statewide dispensaries, generating some long lines, and the cost of the product, a bit more than what the local weed guy has been charging you for years. But as more and more retail stores open, any worries should just slowly, slowly melt away in the happy haze of what could be a $2 billion economy.
BRIEFING BREATHER
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if you opt to inject it intravenously.
WEST NEW YORK – There are plenty of jobs in which you can work remotely these days, but a congressman? Apparently so, as the retiring Rep. Albio Sires (D-8th Dist.) hasn’t showed up on the House floor this year for any of the 125 roll call votes. But he still voted via proxy from wherever he may be. NJ.com says that Sires has been asking Rep. Frank Pallone (D-6th Dist.) to handle his voting, as Pallone has not missed one in-person vote. All this proxy voting began in 2020 during the pandemic to keep Congress chugging along, despite all restrictions. And, one must ask, who is the New Jersey congressman with the most proxy votes since 2020? That would be Rep. Donald Payne (D-10thDist.), a total of 671 times and counting.
CLARK – The issue just isn’t going away for embattled Mayor Sal Bonaccorso, who is still somehow clinging to the office despite far-and-wide calls for his resignation. The very latest: the local police union representing the majority of Clark cops has voted “no confidence” in Bonaccorso, who made national news for being caught on tape using some outrageous racial slurs and sexist language. The big question: will any of this make a difference? Clark voters: it’s up to you.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
FAIRFAX, VA. – A house sold above the asking price in this desirable town. The catch: It includes a stranger in the basement. So, yeah, get this: This five-bedroom house sold for $805,000, after it received five cash offers and closed less than a week after it was listed. The “winner” was required to acknowledge “a person(s) living in lower level with no lease in place.” The seller was an elderly man, who offered the basement dweller to stay three years ago because she cleaned his house. But she never left. And doesn’t pay rent. And the buyer could only have access to the basement, and the underground freeloader, once the deal was done.
QUILCENE, Wash. – In a story that writes itself, firefighters have rescued a local woman who dropped her cellphone into an outhouse in a national forest and fell in while trying to retrieve it. Officials say the woman was in the Olympic National Forest when she had the pressing need to visit an outhouse. Somehow, someway, the phone fell in last Tuesday, The Kitsap Sun reports. So, first, she tried to reach down and grab it. No good. Then, she disassembled the seat and went for a farther reach. No dice. Then she tried to fish it out of the muck with a dog leash. Sorry, sister. Eventually she tied the leash to herself – for safety and all – and ends up plunging in, headfirst. She flopped around for 15 minutes or so, screaming “Help!” and some choice expletives to properly mark the moment. Then, she realized the cell phone was floating in there somewhere. She fished around, grabbed it, called 911 and firefighters scrambled.
BONUS INFO: So, dear readers, how is one rescued from an outhouse? Let’s take a deep dive. Brinnon Fire Department Chief Tim Manly, who has never experienced a rescue like this in his 40 years on the job, instructed rescuers to pass the woman some blocks. She was told to stack them from the outhouse floor and climb on top. From there, a harness was dangled down into the hole and she grabbed a tight hold. The woman was then pulled up from the poop, uninjured but filthy, and was extensively hosed down by brave first responders. Firefighters suggested she go to the hospital for a full check-up, after spending hours in human waste, but the woman said she just wanted to go home. And stay there awhile.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
The Phillie Phanatic made his big debut on this day in 1978, as 17,227 were in the stands at Veterans Stadium to watch a game against the Chicago Cubs
WORD OF THE DAY
Cyanosis – [sīəˈnōsəs] – noun
Definition: A bluish discoloration of the skin resulting from poor circulation or inadequate oxygenation of the blood.
Example: My cyanosis matches the color of your jacket.
WIT OF THE DAY
“The sea finds out everything you did wrong.”
-Francis Stokes
BIDEN BLURB
“No ship that sails under the Russian flag or that is owned or operated by a Russian interest will be allowed to dock in a United States port or access our shores. None.”
-Joe Biden
WEATHER IN A WORD
Pleasant