The Jaffe Briefing - March 25, 2022

HAMILTON - For those who have grown tired of eating Tide pods or trying to contract COVID-19 by licking airplane toilet seats, here’s a new, asinine TikTok challenge. Those who take on the “Orbeez Challenge” load their pellet-type guns with freezer-hardened gel water beads (made by Orbeez) and shoot them at unsuspecting people. Police in Hamilton told Patch that they are investigating numerous incidents of people being injured by drive-by shootings. TAPinto Westfield reported earlier this week about two separate Orbeez shootings. One of the most disturbing shootings to date came in Volusia County, Florida, where a woman pushing a stroller came under fire. “I got a challenge for all those teenagers that don’t have anything to do: come over to my house and rake my yard,” one frustrated victim groused.

TRENTON – It’s enough to make you roll a fatty and breathe in deeply. The state is still weeks, if not months, away from allowing eight medical marijuana dispensaries to finally start selling “recreational” weed to the rest of us. When the state Cannabis Regulatory Commission met yesterday, everyone just assumed that – finally – the party can get going. But, a decision was delayed until next month, as regulators believe these operations are short about 100,000 pounds to serve the yearning masses with bong already in hand. However, the commission did approve 68 cultivators and manufacturers for conditional licenses, to be launched later this year. The slow burn continues.

WESTFIELD – We’ve all journeyed outside of New Jersey, where we have marveled at people walking around with a glass of wine or a cocktail in a restaurant district without facing the full force of law enforcement. In downtown Westfield, home to plenty of BYOBs, don’t even dare meander down the street with that bottle of beer, as you await a table. Yeah, these open-container laws are ridiculous, and the town council has taken notice. TAPInto Westfield reports the governing body is considering a law to allow open containers in some downtown locations that are deemed “hubs of entertainment and activity,” following the passage of a state law that finally eases restrictions. We toast that, at the corner of Quimby and Elm.

BRIEFING BREATHER

There is an official ruling for how many Tootsie Pop licks it takes to get to the center. (364 licks)

STATEWIDE – New Jerseyans are a finicky bunch. Just ask any pollster trying to figure out what the heck we are thinking. So, Rutgers-Eagleton asks a simple question: Do we all like living in New Jersey? The results: 60% of us really seem to dig the Garden State. Yet half of us want to flee our current neighborhood – which seems really, really high – while 36% of us want to move to another state. Pollsters had to dig really deep to find trends here, saying 75% of us really liked living here in the 1990s, while 80% of us were big fans of New Jersey in the 1980s. Must have been Tom Kean’s “New Jersey and You” ads.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

FALL RIVER, MA – You may not be the coolest guy on the road, but you can’t complain about the gas prices. One guy is touting his $2,000 electric unicycle, saving on gas and cutting his commute time, as he weaves between all those cars stuck in traffic. “It’s just more convenient and it’s obviously more fun,” he tells The Herald News. His “ride” has no seat or handlebars, just a place for his feet, as he can travel up to 80 miles on just one electric charge. The unicycle can even reach speeds of 40 mph. But because he enjoys his life, and doesn’t trust anyone else on the road, he has not dared to zoom by that fast. He just hangs on the shoulder, shrewdly moving to the front of the line at red lights, ensuring he is fully covered in protective and reflective gear, while also doing his best to avoid those pesky pedestrians.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1995 that “Iron” Mike Tyson was a free man, after three years in the slammer as a convicted rapist.

WORD OF THE DAY

Henchman – [HENCH-mun] – noun

Definition: A trusted follower who may perform unpleasant, wrong, or illegal tasks for a powerful person

Example: With this tight labor market, it is very hard for me to find available henchmen to support my evil endeavors.

WIT OF THE DAY

“I listen to [Vladimir Putin] constantly using the n word. That’s the n word, and he’s constantly using it: the nuclear word. And we never talk of, we say, ‘Oh, he’s a nuclear power.’ But we’re a greater nuclear power. We have the greatest submarines in the world, most powerful machines ever built. Most powerful, and they got built under me. Most powerful machines ever built, and nobody knows where they are. And you should say, ‘Look, if you mention that word one more time, we’re going to send them over, and we’ll be coasting back and forth up and down your coast.’”

-Donald J. Trump

BIDEN BLURB

“In the next election I’d be very fortunate if I had that same man running against me.”

-Joe Biden

WEATHER IN A WORD

Improving