The Jaffe Briefing - December 13, 2021

Happy National Cocoa Day!

ATLANTIC CITY – While most New Jersey towns are either banning recreational weed sales or tepidly dipping a toe, Atlantic City is all in. In fact, the Press of AC reports, the gaming resort wants to be the place to go for the finest buzz around. It’s the perfect venue. First, people have been getting stoned there for generations. Second, there’s all the gambling, nightlife and other, er, adult ventures that you can find around every corner. “Big is not even the word to describe it. We are in the position to become the No. 1 cannabis destination on the East Coast,” a mayor’s aide told the newspaper. Atlantic City’s goal: your one-stop shop for the highest quality marijuana, edibles, etc., in all that smoky haze. Hey, is that roulette wheel still spinning, or is it me?

STATEWIDE – No one is saying that school districts are abusing federal COVID funds, but it looks like there is plenty of creativity on how it's spent. The Record reports there are few restrictions on how to spend the cash, prompting some districts to avoid going to voters for such expensive capital improvements as window replacement, ventilation and electrical upgrades. There’s been $2.4 billion thrown to the 686 school districts in the state in the latest cash windfall, with cities like Newark reaping $182 million. The cash is supposed to be used to ensure safe in-person learning, while avoiding staff layoffs. No one is saying the money is being used inappropriately; the Record just notes there’s no real way to tightly track it. So, perhaps the custodian’s closet is now climate controlled, keeping the mops cool.

BRIDGEWATER – Can’t get too much of yourself? Need to take a selfie, like, constantly? Then you need to walk, not run, into the latest pop-up attraction at Bridgewater Commons, where you can spend the day finding new angles of your face, as you snap, snap, snap. This temporary venture is called “Pop!,” a free-roam photo playground, NJ.com reports. There’s a utopia of various settings, like laying in a bathtub full of flowers (Snap!) or climbing into a giant dryer with your friends (Snap, Snap!) That’s right, go from background to background and take endless selfies, all of which you are urged to share on your many, many social media accounts. Of course, there’s a cost for all this self-love: $22 for adults and $15 for teens, with plenty of opportunities to buy photo prints. So, get snapping!

BRIEFING BREATHER

Pteronophobia is the fear of being tickled by feathers.

STATEWIDE – All I want for Christmas is… a Quarter Pounder? That’s right, if you happen to be a big follower of the “Mariah Menu” at your local fast food joint. Mariah Carey is swapping the gowns and glam for French fries and McNuggets, in a cholesterol-clogging 12 days of Christmas, beginning today, with a free Big Mac. “This holiday season, you’re not getting the Mariah meal. You’re getting the Mariah Menu, and it’s free!” Carey gushes, on YouTube. No clue if this multi-millionaire has eaten at a McDonald’s in, say, 30 years, but, boy, does she seem excited over 12 days of free fast food.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

ROME – We all love our Sicilian bishops, but there are plenty of bah-humbugs around the one who told a group of wide-eyed children that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. The bishop told the kiddies that Santa is a fabrication of the advertising department at Coca-Cola, trying to find new ways to get people to buy soda. Of course, such a crazy, unbelievable lie is a direct affront to Mr. Claus, who is now weighing his legal options against the church. Meanwhile, the diocesan communications director is in full crisis communication mode, saying this ill-informed bishop was just trying to underline the true meaning of Christmas and the story of St. Nicholas, a bishop who gave gifts to the poor and was persecuted by a Roman emperor. Regardless of the feeble excuse, plaintiff lawyers are envisioning a seven-figure settlement, likely covering the cost of reindeer feed for a decade.

BROOKLYN, NY – TV mob boss Tony Soprano would be impressed by his former son-in-law’s $300 million “pump-and-dump” stock scheme. New York money manager Abraxas “AJ” Discala – once married to the “Meadow Soprano” actress – just got sentenced to 11½ years in federal prison for pulling off a stock manipulation plot straight out of the Bada Bing’s seedy backroom, according  to a federal justice department press release. Federal prosecutors won a conviction against Discala, 50, for getting scores of unwitting buyers to snap up unstable penny stocks, artificially jacking their prices, then causing their values to crash. Buyers lost tons of money, but the feds say Discala and seven cohorts raked in millions. Besides prison, Discala must make restitution and pay a $2.5 million fine. But at least  he didn’t flip on anyone.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 2010 that a 2,400-year-old pot of soup is discovered near the ancient capital of Xi’an. Unfortunately, no Tupperware.

WORD OF THE DAY

Enigma – [ih-NIG-muh] – noun

Definition: Someone or something that is difficult to understand or explain

Example: Rutgers basketball shocks the world, beating the top-ranked team. Then, sleepwalks last night to a loss against Seton Hall in Newark. This team is an enigma.

WIT OF THE DAY

"The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then get elected and prove it."

-P.J. O’Rourke

BIDEN BLURB

“This is one of those times when we aren’t Democrats or Republicans.  Sounds like hyperbole, but it’s real.”

-Joe Biden

WEATHER IN A WORD

Pleasant