The Jaffe Briefing - August 26, 2021

MIDDLETOWN – The local school board appears to be at odds with its most powerful resident, Gov. Phil Murphy. School officials adopted a liberal mask policy that flies in the face of the governor’s executive orders, saying the district would accept a “testimonial letter” from parents as a reason why a kid shouldn’t be forced to wear a mask, if it is claimed that would affect his or her health. No way, says the governor. Everyone must wear a mask in school, no exclusions. The school board has since backpedaled, with its attorney saying if school officials dug in their heels, the state is threatening to immediately sue. So, regarding the district’s policy, uh, just joking.

DOWN THE SHORE – In all the glossy hotel brochures and all the Realtor magazines, the fecal bacteria count in the Atlantic Ocean doesn’t seem to get much play. But you’ll see plenty of information about it on the DEP website, as the state agency placed swimming advisories this week at beaches and bays in some of the top tourist towns, like Asbury Park, Long Branch, Barnegat Light, Lavallette and Point Pleasant. Any common beachgoer knows this is a regular thing, despite us all hoping our waters are so pristine that the whales go elsewhere to pee. The DEP continues to test the waters and release results, at a time when we just want to flop in the water, carefree.

(Currently closed: The Reese Avenue bay beach in Lavallette, 25th Street bay beach in Barnegat Light, Beachwood Beach West river beach in Beachwood, East Beach Station Avenue river beach in Pine Beach, and Hancock Avenue bay beach in Seaside Heights.)

MARGATE – It will be a whole new Lucy the Elephant by next Memorial Day, as workers begin replacing all the metal skin on this landmark from 1881. Lucy has gotten a bit old, and now 50% of her skin is beyond repair, after decades and decades of getting pounded by the salt air. So, beginning Sept. 20, Lucy will be taking a breather from tourists, as workers begin stripping off all the old siding. Then, after spending $1.4 million in state cash, the roadside attraction will be back up and running, ready for the next generation of beachgoers to try to figure out who decided in 1881 to prioritize the construction of a six-story-high elephant. Maybe that nutty Thomas Edison.

BRIEFING BREATHER

Your body contains about 100,000 miles of blood vessels.

NEWARK – It may seem unfair, but it’s not. Workers with Delta Airlines who still refuse to get vaccinated will get hit with a $200 a month surcharge on their health insurance plans beginning Nov. 1, as well as undergo weekly testing and be the only ones required to wear masks on company property. The airline rightfully argues that the FDA has fully approved the Pfizer vaccine, so there are absolutely no obstacles in place to get the free shot. In justifying the $200 surcharge, Delta says the average hospital stay for COVID-19 has cost the airline $50,000 per person. So, for those who still senselessly refuse the vaccine, the surcharge is a very small price to pay. If we were in charge, we’d slap a $2,000 a month fee, and hold back the complimentary pretzel bags.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

GULFPORT, FL. – Ever dream of owning a waterfront treehouse? Of course. But for $899,999? There’s a property just sold in this town with a centuries-old oak tree growing right through the middle of the four-bedroom, three-bath house. The Realtor admits there had been plenty of challenges in the marketing, especially as the massive tree trunk has grown right through the center of the kitchen. “There were people who walked in and walked out,” she told WBBH-TV. Yet, the house ideally meshes with the city’s motto: “Keep Gulfport Weird.” In the end, the 68-year-old home was sold Monday to an apparent tree hugger. 

PHILADELPHIA – Stop stealing the giant Snoop Dogg bobbleheads. That’s the message from cops, investigating three separate cases in the Philly region of these super cool, three-foot-tall bobbleheads that serve as promotional displays for Corona beer. You may recall that Snoop Dogg has been using his chill vibes to promote the beer for more than a year, and recently large bobbleheads of the 49-year-old rapper started appearing in a favorite market near you, CBS reports. Why such interest? Because these stolen bobbleheads are now selling for more than $1,000 on eBay, and, honestly, who wouldn’t want one for their living room décor?

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1973 that the University of Texas at Arlington becomes the first accredited college to offer a course in belly dancing.

WORD OF THE DAY

Mishpocha – [mish-pookh-uh] – noun

Definition: An entire family network comprising relatives by blood and marriage and sometimes including close friends; clan.

Example: Will the entire mishpocha be on the beach this weekend?

WIT OF THE DAY

“Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.”

– Frank Zappa

BIDEN BLURB

“We have made significant progress in the last ten days.”

-Joe Biden

WEATHER IN A WORD

Steamy