The Jaffe Briefing - January 4, 2021

TRENTON – It’s 2021, so weed is legal, right? Not so fast, Cheech. Gov. Phil Murphy is still tinkering with the law that he’s been talking about since he first ran for office. He threw in a last-minute wrench, seeking to fine people under 21 caught with a joint. Murphy is sitting on these well-hyped bills to legalize and decriminalize marijuana, after all of us voters overwhelmingly approved the ballot question in November. Unclear why Murphy decided to throw in the 11th hour condition. But let’s just wildly assume it’s because he is running for re-election this year and he’s gotta throw in something for the law and order types who don’t want to see kids smoking bongs on the front lawn.

BRIEFING BREATHER

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – The annual salary is not bad, at $174,000. And Congress members get some nice perks, too, like health insurance, a pension, travel, a subsidized gym membership, free parking and even an elevator doorman to press the buttons. But is it all worth the $83 million that was spent by candidates and political committees in 2020 to compete for the 12 congressional races in New Jersey? Apparently, so. And two big, close races – in the Second and Seventh districts – cost about half of that total nut blown during the election season. And, in the end, all 12 members were re-elected. Let’s assume it was all worth it.

SOUTH JERSEY – Rep. Jeff Van Drew continues to be on the wrong side of history, now announcing he will be raising objections to accepting Joe Biden’s election as President. Insert eye roll here, as New Jersey’s favorite Trump sycophant said he will “not be voting for certify the electors,” claiming that millions of Americans have been disrespected during the election, apparently. His proof? Well, the boss said so. Meanwhile, expect Van Drew to now be tasked with finding 11,780 votes from backwater Georgia as part of a “recalculation.”

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

YONKERS, NY – Plenty of eye-rolling in the courts today, as a local man is suing the makers of King’s Hawaiian sweet rolls. This plaintiff – obviously desperate for something to do at home – noted that the packaging prominently features "Hilo, Hawaii" on the front, but the back reveals that these rolls are actually made in Torrance, Calif. (Insert “Gasp!” here.) He claims the only reason he bought the rolls is because he thought they were baked in Hawaii, as that makes such a huge difference. King's Hawaiian has yet to publicly explain itself. Meanwhile, Manhattan Bagel: you’ve been warned.

NEW YORK – It’s as if the power went out at 11:59 p.m., just as the ball was to drop in Times Square. OK, maybe not that dramatic, but plenty of football fans were howling around 12:30 p.m. yesterday, when Fanduel went down. Timing couldn’t be worse for this fantasy sports and online betting company, as fans were plunking down their bets for a busy Week 17 with the playoffs on the line for so many teams (see Giants). Football fans couldn’t access the Fanduel app and website in the critical minutes before kick-off. That means they couldn’t place bets or withdraw bets, as things seemed frozen until 2:40 p.m., with a screenshot about some “planned maintenance” or whatever during one of the craziest days of the season. One fan’s tweet summarized the madness: “Your site can't go down 10 minutes before NFL kickoff. Brutal." 

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1991 that AT&T workers pulling antiquated cables out of a manhole on Raymond Boulevard in Newark snipped the wrong one. Oops. That cable happened to be the main telephone link connecting New York City and Newark to the rest of the world. Flights at all three of the area's main airports were delayed. Also paralyzed were florists, travel agents and grandma – all of whom rely on long-distance phone calls.

BAR GRAMMAR

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart. 

WORD OF THE DAY

Flagitious – [flegSHas] – adjective

Definition: criminal, villainous

Example: Are you already throwing out that delicious clam dip from New Year’s? How flagitious.

WIT OF THE DAY

“‘Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.”

-Andy Borowitz

BIDEN BLURB

“Here’s to 2021. Mask up folks.”

-Joe Biden

WEATHER IN A WORD

Eh.