The Jaffe Briefing - November 14, 2019
ASBURY PARK – You can’t have a major political event like a Presidential impeachment hearing without some Jersey influence. We demand it. And that is why the gallery included a drag queen from Asbury Park who was covering the story for a media start-up known as Happs, in which its reporters use their cell phones to stream news through Twitter. This reporter, a popular act at Asbury Park’s gay bars, is known as “Pissi Myles,” who reported yesterday that “It’s a crazy day in Washington! I’m flipping my wig over the high-energy proceedings today.” She added: “Tensions are high, and the bar for who’s allowed in the Longworth House is very, very low.”
BELLEVILLE – Suddenly the basement of a church built in 1725 is the hot news in town. Rutgers researchers are descending this morning on the Dutch Reformed Church, using ground-penetrating radar to locate unmarked graves of people buried under the Main Street church a couple of centuries ago. Any discovered graves will be marked and plotted on a map, as they are expected to be the final resting places of several Chinese workers who were among those who built the Central Pacific Railroad and then came back to live, work and ultimately die in Belleville about 150 years ago. These people were among the very first Chinese settlement on the East Coast, which is why Rutgers and town leaders are so eager to mark their unique history.
EAST RUTHERFORD – In a brilliant move – showing tremendous common sense and restraint – the owners of the American Dream mega-mall are no longer charging customers to park. Initially, the mall planned to charge people more money for the longer they visited the mall, with a total bill of $24 for eight hours or more. Someone, somewhere determined that such an anti-customer policy did not encourage large volumes of shoppers, contrary to the basic strategy of a mall. There will still be high parking fees when the Giants or Jets are in town, which makes sense, so fans don’t dare attempt to avoid the Meadowland Mafiosos of parking. Unclear how long American Dream will permit free parking, but its certainly the right step for a nascent enterprise eager for a loyal following.
LAWRENCEVILLE – You better hurry to your local theme restaurant; Houlihan’s is beginning to disappear from our landscape, NJ.com reports. Houlihan’s announced on Facebook that it closed its location by the Quakerbridge Mall, citing the high rent and lack of profit, just a few short weeks after the chain closed its well-known location in Weehawken because of a lawsuit. There are only 13 of these restaurants left in the state. You want ‘em? Then actually eat there.
TRENTON – Some can legitimately argue that New Jersey’s water system is swimming in crisis. That’s what makes the news that the Drinking Water Quality Institute — the state’s drinking-water watchdog — hasn’t met since this past December all the more inexplicable. Without the DWQI’s recommendations, New Jersey can’t regulate toxic substances such as PFAS chemicals, which have been linked to cancer, immune system problems and other illnesses. Some lay the blame on the state Department of Environmental Protection, which they say has been excruciatingly slow formally adopting limits on PFOA and PFOS made in 2017 and 2018, respectively, NJ Spotlight reports. When it comes to our drinking water, the state needs to get the lead out, literally and figuratively — along with the rest of the contaminants.
HOBOKEN – By next Wednesday, you will actually need to rely on your own two feet to get from one place to another. Those Lime scooters are vanishing from city streets, following a six-month pilot project, the Jersey Journal reports. It is thoroughly unclear what the future holds for the program, as city officials are now assessing things and remain completely noncommittal about its future. The scooter company remains optimistic, of course, but questions remain about scooter safety in a two-square-mile city jammed with 55,000 people and countless vehicles.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
NORTH MASSAPEQUA, NY – So much for tremendous success on the gridiron. A local football coach has been suspended for a game for running up the score. Plainedge High School’s Red Devils, who are undefeated, blasted South Shore High School by a score of 61-13, which is a clear violation of something called the “lopsided scores policy” in New York, The Week reports. Apparently, the final score can’t have more than a 42-point spread; the winning coach needs to take out his starters and intentionally seek minimal yardage. The suspended coach argued that South Shore was a tough rival and had been undefeated before this game. He also argued the South Shore football coach had no problem with how the game went, other than his players’ lousy performance. Still, a policy is a policy.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1888 that St. Andrews Golf Club opened in Yonkers with just six holes. Even so, we still couldn’t break a 72.
WORD OF THE DAY
WIT OF THE DAY
TODAY'S TRUMPISM
WEATHER IN A WORD
Warming
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun
