The Jaffe Briefing - September 18, 2017
OUR TAKE ON THE NEWS IN NEW JERSEY
STATEWIDE - A storm is coming! A storm is coming! Well, it's more like a "tropical storm watch," and it is the final remnants of that annoying Hurricane Jose, as it slowly churns up the East Coast. As of last night, the big storm was hanging about 540 miles from Atlantic City. The big "watch" includes the Jersey Shore, from Sandy Hook to Cape May. So, what does it all mean? That answer should probably come from your favorite over-excited weatherman, but Google says we should assume rain, wind and some coastal flooding through Wednesday. No widespread power outages, boarded-up homes or TV reporters getting blown into the Atlantic. For that drama, watch cable news.
UP IN SMOKE - With the governor's seat up for grabs, as well as 120 seats in the state Legislature, one can assume there's some uncertainty about state politics in 2018. But one thing looks certain: plenty of pot smoking. Bloomberg reports the gubernatorial candidates have lots to disagree about, but seem on the same page about marijuana. Democrat Phil Murphy wants to legalize recreational smoking (thus ensuring this morning newsletter gets even weirder.) Meanwhile, Republican Kim "I am not Chris Christie" Guadagno says she would decriminalize the drug, basically kick-starting a mellow, statewide party. Expect Domino's Pizza to be donating heavily to both candidates.
IN THE WOODS - Hunters have plenty to do these days, selecting their new fancy guns and camouflage and finding the latest odor of urine for which to bathe themselves. That's because it will soon be bear hunting season, once again in New Jersey, where state officials open up forests for the hunt, set for Oct. 9-14. Last year, 562 bears were mowed down in October, followed by a second hunt in December, which picked off another 74 of them for good measure. State officials claim these hunts are absolutely necessary, as the state's bear population swells to 2,700 - thus ensuring no picnic is safe. The anti-hunters claim the best way to keep bears away is to secure trash cans, bird feeders and BBQ grills. Hunters chime in, questioning, "Now, what is the fun in that?"
ON THE FARM - Grab your favorite plaid shirt and a piping hot cup of cider. That's because it's New Jersey's top "agritourism" season. Time to head west, north and south to find the perfect pumpkin patch, corn maze or hayride. Sure, expect to pay a premium on that cider donut and a bushel of macoun apples. But it is all part of supporting a $80 million business that ensures New Jersey maintains all those great farms and wineries that are our deep, dark secret from those who think the state's version of "agritourism" is tank farms and refineries.
TRENTON - Democrats remain aghast over the New Jersey Education Association's support of unknown GOP candidate Fran Grenier, attempting to defeat Senate President Steve Sweeney. Two reasons: 1. Unions tend to support Democrats. 2. Sweeney, in his private life, is a union boss. Two-thirds of the Senate Democratic caucus dashed off a "What the hell?" letter to the NJEA, slamming it from trying to oust Sweeney, calling it "inconceivable" that the state's largest teachers' union could support Grenier, an admitted supporter of both President Trump and Gov. Christie. The NJEA claims Sweeney is a fake Democrat and Christie clone, launching this website. Meanwhile, the typical NJEA member is working in a classroom right now, likely having no clue who Sweeney is or why their dues are being spent on his defeat.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BATON ROUGE - Motorists passing by the Greenoaks Funeral Home could not believe their eyes Thursday, as blood was seen seeping onto the road behind the building. Red liquid was trickling from a line that carried blood and embalming fluid from a leaking storage tank, HuffPost reports. The leak only lasted 20 minutes, but there was enough bloody formaldehyde for people to stop their cars, take photos and immediately post all the gruesomeness on social media. Oh, and the funeral home was operating without all its permits.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1884 that Judge Allen disposed of 13 criminal cases in Oakland in just six minutes, setting a speed record for dispensing his special version of justice.
The following transcript from one of his trials appeared in the Oakland Tribune:
"I didn't think I was drunk, your Honor," said Gus Harland.
"Not drunk?" said Judge Allen.
"Not very drunk."
"How drunk?"
"Well - I could see the moon."
"It was raining hard Sunday night when I arrested that man," said the officer.
"Six dollars or three days. Next."
WORD OF THE DAY
Vicissitude - [vuh-SISS-uh-tood] - noun
Definition: A favorable or unfavorable event or situation that occurs by chance
Example: There's plenty of vicissitudes in life, like ending up in Judge Allen's courtroom.
WEATHER IN A WORD
Clouds