The Morning Briefing - October 31, 2016
STATEWIDE – If you are looking to save $3 or so, fill up your gas tank today. Tomorrow, the gas tax will increase 23 cents a gallon, a long-awaited solution of sorts to our bankrupt Transportation Trust Fund. Yeah, paying more for gas is lousy. But some silver linings here. Regular gas will still be relatively cheap, at about $2.50 a gallon. And all those out-of-state suckers using the New Jersey Turnpike will help pay for those much-needed transportation projects.
ON YOUR PHONE – Well, at least you won’t be getting texts from gas stations. A new law also kicks in tomorrow, banning companies from sending you unsolicited text ads and eating up your data to sell stupid stuff. Anyone caught doing it will be hit with a $500 violation the first time; and $1,000 for the second offense. Sounds great. Now, if the state can just do something about those annoying robocalls that dial our cell phones a dozen times a day.
BRIDGEGATE – Democrats already have a victory – no matter what verdicts are reached in the case. That’s because, says the New York Post, they were able to puff up Bridgegate to the point where Donald Trump begged off Gov. Chris Christie as his VP candidate. The tabloid says Trump originally offered the slot to Christie, who had been sucking up to him for weeks. But, in a typical Trump move, he then moved on to Gov. Mike Pence because of very legitimate concerns that Bridgegate would be used to drag down the ticket. Another round of high-fives for New Jersey Democrats.
OFF SANDY HOOK – Uncle Sam’s got a sweet deal for you. How about a cheap, long-term lease on 80,000 acres of prime real estate with great views of the ocean? Of course, you’ll need a personal mini-sub or, at least, a wetsuit and scuba gear to do a site inspection. The big swath of land the feds will auction off Dec. 15 sits on the sea floor 18 miles southeast of Sandy Hook, the Record says. One more hitch: You’ll have to promise to build an offshore wind farm on it. So far, 14 companies are in the running to bid, including two that got a $1 million lease last year for 350,000 ocean-floor acres stretching 60 miles from Barnegat to Cape May. Perhaps Uber can get you out there.
MOUNT OLIVE – Perhaps it would have been easier to just landscape the backyard, rather than put in that great pool. Because, with a nice lawn, you don’t have to worry about a deer getting stuck in the pool cover, prompting the police to perform a rescue operation. That happened Thursday, when a homeowner was awakened to the sounds of a deer trying to escape. Cops had to cut through the pool cover, as others grabbed the deer and pulled it out of the pool. Cops noted the deer took a breather, and then ran back into the woods, with a great story to share with bunnies and squirrels.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
KIEV, Ukraine — No doubt a 20-year-old Ukrainian man truly wanted a smart phone, officially changing his name to “iPhone 7” in an effort to get a free one. The electronics store said, “Uh, ok,” so now the former Olexander Turin is forever known as iPhone 7. iPhone 7 told media the new phone costs $850, but the name change was only $2, so he is a pretty shrewd smartphone. His family is shocked; perhaps they prefer Samsung. It will be interesting to see if iPhone 7 has children, and if they will be appropriately named iPhone 8 and iPhone 9.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
On this day in 1987, jockey Chris Antley was able to win nine out of the 10 races at Belmont. What are the odds on that?
WORD OF THE DAY
Sepulchre [SEP-ul-ker] – noun
Definition: A tomb
Example: I know the old lady in that dilapidated mansion always gives out those delicious apples on Halloween; I just don’t want to walk past that sepulchre on her front lawn.
WEATHER IN A WORD
Ghoulish