The Morning Briefing - August 24, 2016

** The Morning Briefing thankfully goes on vacation beginning Thursday, August 25, returning Tuesday, September 6 **

EAST RUTHERFORD – If you are a New Jersey taxpayer, and you think, “Gee, I pay too much in taxes,” your eyes should be glued to a vote being taken tomorrow that would hand $800 million in bonds to the mega, mega mall in the Meadowlands – widely considered the most expensive retail project on earth.  Sen. Mike Doherty (R-23) has been shouting that the proposal before the New Jersey Sports and Exposition Authority would award Wisconsin-based investors, but give zip to New Jersey taxpayers. For example, the sales tax you would pay at one of the endless stream of stores in this $5 billion behemoth would be used to pay back bonds, rather than given to New Jersey taxpayers. Meanwhile, we have already spent $80 million on road and infrastructure improvements. And now we lose $800 million in tax revenue? And we are still on the hook if this mega mall fails??

BORDENTOWN – Perhaps the good people of Bordentown are not wealthy enough to appreciate the “Fairness Formula” that Gov. Chris Christie wants to spread across the suburban enclaves of the state. The governor appeared yesterday before a critical crowd, advocating for his across-the-board plan of $6,599 per kid in state aid, no matter where they live. Christie says the current funding model has the state paying as much as $33,000 per student in city districts, where kids are still failing. Protesters yesterday likened the plan to apartheid, the governor was jeered by union backers and he went toe-to-toe with a Camden woman about how his plan would affect her. Note to the governor’s staff: Hold your next meeting at a sprawling estate in Alpine.

ON THE ROADS – New Jersey has always been a bit wacky, and we show our stripes to any motorist who happens to drive into the state and attempt to purchase gas. We are on the only state in the union where some annoyed attendant will run over to your car the minute you attempt to unscrew your gas cap. Will we ever be normal and allow self-serve? Absolutely not, says Gov. Chris Christie. “The reason it’s not happening is no one will vote for it. I’m just telling ya,” Christie told a town hall forum yesterday. “The last private poll we did on this question, 78 percent of New Jersey women said they were opposed to self-serve gas — 78 percent. You can’t find 78 percent of anybody in New Jersey who agrees on anything.” The governor added: “It is a bipartisan issue of being afraid of the 78 percent of women in New Jersey.”

FAIRFIELD – A bride should be prepared for a lifetime of “anger management issues,” as her new husband thought it best to trash their hotel room on their wedding night because they apparently were put in the wrong room at the Crowne Plaza on Route 46. NJ.com reports the call came in at 12:45 a.m. Sunday – likely after a four-hour open bar party – when cops saw holes punched into the wall, a broken lamp thrown into a window and a broken room phone. The groom had apparently reserved a suite, and not immediately gotten it. He had apparently been drinking and had been annoyed that no one was answering the hotel room door when he knocked. The blushing bride said the hotel was able to move them to the suite – no worries, honey – but apparently he trashed the room anyhow and then was arrested.

As a wedding gift to the bride, we have researched the annulment laws in New Jersey. She can be granted one in Family Court based on “duress.” The statute reads: “A couple may file for an annulment of marriage in New Jersey if a threat of serious violence causes a couple to become unmarried. An example of duress would be if a husband threatens to murder his wife or one of her family members.”

LACEY – Little Johnny graduated from elementary school in June, spent the summer playing Pokémon GO with his friends, and now, as he enters middle school next month, is being asked if he would like to pee in a cup. School officials say seventh and eighth graders who participate in sports or other extracurricular activities now have the great option of random drug testing; parents must consent to a 12-month program. So, for Little Johnny, that means no alcohol, amphetamines, barbiturates, cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, methamphetamine, opiates, etc.

DUNELLEN – If we were immature, moronic juveniles, we would be snickering uncontrollably because a guy named “Phil Heiney” was just busted on porn charges. But, because we are astute and serious professionals, and this guy just happens to be the president of the Dunellen Board of Education and the charges involve child porn, we aren’t laughing. The 67-year-old suspect was arrested and slapped with $75,000 bail. In prison, Phil Heiney could become very popular.

KEANSBURG – Thinking of taking the kiddies down to Keansburg for the fleeing days of summer? Think again. Now national news, thousands of small dead fish are washing up on shore. Apparently, the suspected cause of mass fish death is low dissolved oxygen levels in the stagnant waters of the Bayshore, the DEP says. The fish, called peanut bunker, were likely fleeing all those damn sharks that have been spotted along the Jersey Shore this summer. Now, the locals are trying to get rid of the dead stinky fish - likely the worst summer job ever.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

CORMORANT, Minn. – It was an uproarious joke when voters selected a dog, via write-in vote, to serve as the next mayor in 2014. And it was doggone funny when they actually re-elected their four-legged mayor last year. And, so, with little surprise, “Duke” just won again on Saturday to his third term. Luckily the town only has a population of 20, and who the heck visits this northwestern Minnesota village anyway? Next year, maybe “Goldie the Goldfish” wins in an upset – if not accidentally flushed down a city hall toilet.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 2008 that the Summer Olympics concluded in Beijing, apparently, from what could be gleaned through the smog.

WORD OF THE DAY

Hypocorism [hye-PAH-kuh-riz-um] - noun

Definition: A pet name

Example: You come home at 4 a.m. smelling like a brewery and then start slurring all these hypocorisms? You disgust me, you pig.

WEATHER IN A WORD

Glorious