The Morning Briefing - May 16, 2016
The Morning Briefing will be on hiatus beginning Thursday, May 19, returning Tuesday, May 31
STATEWIDE – When it comes to “affordable housing” in New Jersey, we’ve lost all perspective. NJ 101.5 reports on a new study that identifies hundreds of “affordable” homes in the state, some even featuring pools, tiki bars and cabanas. Fair-housing advocates point to the report to show how out-of-whack things have become, as it seems most towns only welcome millionaires who can afford leafy half-acre lots of excess. For low-income families to even attempt to own a house at $500,000 would mean the very best interest rates, 30-year, interest-only mortgages and some hopes and prayers that no major plumbing repairs are needed. Hmm; wonder what the mortgage would be on one of those cabanas.
LONG BRANCH – For our daily “Clinton Watch” in New Jersey, the next visit comes tomorrow, when Chelsea hits up Long Branch at noon and then appears in Hazlet at 2 p.m., as the “America for Hillary” machine builds in the Garden State in anticipation for the June 7 Democratic primary. If you can’t make Chelsea’s speeches, here are the talking points: A vote for a Clinton means more income, more education and “breaking down barriers,” which is a great, flexible statement that can apply to virtually anything. Try it out today!
IN COURT – Perhaps “John Doe” shouldn't protest so much. Mr. Doe is that unindicted Bridgegate conspirator now vigorously appealing a federal judge's ruling to make his name public tomorrow, along with other cohorts. His legal calisthenics seem to be making nosy people even more curious about his identity. The Record reports that Mr. Doe's lawyer says loss of anonymity would “brand (Mr. Doe) a criminal without due process;” damage his reputation; or maybe cause rashes, warts and premature hair loss. Of course, it might also make him the “go-to guy” for dirty tricks and other shenanigans in New Jersey's shadier political circles.
ON THE RAILS – Are you reading this on a train platform, wondering where the heck your train is? Well, it is likely your scheduled ride no longer exists, as NJ Transit changed the rail schedule yesterday. It is a new summer schedule with more weekday stops to New York on the Morris & Essex lines. Also, those heading to the beach will no longer need to switch trains in Long Branch beginning June 26, as the non-stop party continues down to Bay Head.
PISCATAWAY – Rutgers University graduates should probably know that yesterday may be the last time a sitting President of the United States choppers in to provide words of wisdom. We certainly hope not, but what a thrill for the 52,000 people who got to listen to the President speak for 42 minutes, as 17,000 new alumni were handed degrees. Many were particularly pleased that Obama mentioned a critical, glaring issue in the state: if we should call it Taylor Ham or Pork Roll. “There's not much I'm afraid to take on in my final year of office, but I know better than to get in the middle of that debate," he said.
PERTH AMBOY – Crappy drivers probably shouldn't carry guns either. At least, that's what a state Appellate Court told a Perth Amboy man who tried to get a handgun carry permit. City cops were OK with it. But the Home News Tribune says a Superior Court judge, and now an appellate court, didn't agree. After all, the man's driver's license was suspended 15 times in 15 years; he racked up 16 speeding tickets, two careless driving tickets and other violations. It was also probably foolish for the man to act as his own attorney. Apparently, he practices law the same way he drives. Woefully.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BOSTON – Things are looking up, as Massachusetts General Hospital is announcing the very first penis transplant in the United States. A local bank courier has the distinction, after withstanding a 15-hour transplant with an organ from a deceased donor. The recipient, surviving cancer, tells The New York Times he has not yet mustered the courage to look down yonder and check out the handiwork. But doctors say he should be urinating perfectly fine in a few weeks with full sexual function within months. The grateful recipient looks forward to saluting doctors.
ROHNERT PARK, Calif. – A man was clearly Ruffled when he tried to rob a car wash with an empty potato chip bag and an alleged handgun. The man entered the KaCees World of Water car wash Friday night and dropped an empty potato chip bag on the counter, telling a worker to fill it with cash. The bandit claimed the gun was in the bag, but the worker was quick to point out that, uh, the “gun” was actually just a piece of cardboard. The suspect ran away; it clearly wasn’t Wise.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1902 when baseball showed it had zero interest in being politically correct. One “deaf-mute” nicknamed “Dummy” Hoy led off for the Reds, against pitcher “Dummy” Taylor, another “deaf-mute” for the Giants. Baseball called it the first time two “deaf-mutes” faced each other, as the Red won, 5-3. Ballplayers who couldn’t hear were considered a prime reason for the signals in the game still in use.
WORD OF THE DAY
Wabbit – adjective
Definition: No, this is nothing to do with anything “wascially.” It is Scottish term for being exhausted.
Example: “After this weekend of intensive gardening between random rain showers, I am positively wabbit.”
WEATHER IN A WORD
Scarf.