The Morning Briefing - May 3, 2016
EDISON – When “Trump for President” opens its New Jersey HQ in Edison at 6:30 p.m. today, Donald Trump won’t be at the sold-out two-hour rally. Neither will his chief cheerleader Gov. Chris Christie. It's still likely to be the biggest, greatest, most incredible rented office space to ever open here in the heart of Democrat country. Of course, it's on “Park Avenue.” We are talking top-of-the-line drywall, the finest industrial gray carpeting and folding tables second-to-none. The water cooler will dispense the coldest, cleanest American water. The coffee machine will accurately brew only the most flavorful beans roasted here in America. It will be HUGE.
MANASQUAN – Sure, we are all counting the days until Memorial Day and hitting the beach. And we are not just talking people. The Asbury Park Press reports that three deer darted into the ocean yesterday. Two paddled back onto the beach (Didn’t know deer could swim), while one was pulled by the current, climbed on some rocks, jumped back into the ocean and then paddled to shore. The trio then fled; likely because they don’t have beach badges.
TRENTON – There are easier ways to go see your jailed relatives, but a 24-year-old city man did it the hard way. Police said the man pulled a smash-and-grab burglary at a South Broad Street business in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Officers arrested him moments later, less than a block away, still holding a stolen computer monitor. N.J. Advance Media says the man, now charged with burglary and theft, explained to cops: “I did it just to get locked up so I could see my brother in jail.” Two words: Visiting hours.
STATEWIDE – Soothe the Bern with Ben & Jerry. Here's the scoop: Gourmet ice cream makers Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield are making a Garden State sweep today to stump for fellow Vermonter and presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders. Ben and Jerry will register new voters for the June primary and dish out free ice cream, including their specialty flavor “Bernie's Yearning.” First stop is noon at NJIT in Newark; 3 p.m. at Rutgers in New Brunswick; and 6-8 p.m. at Zeppelin Hall in Jersey City.
AT THE BANK – We all thought the “Penny Arcade” at TD Bank was such a nice perk for customers. But some are claiming the free coin counters are just another money grab for the bank. The Record says two North Jersey men claim they and other customers were getting routinely ripped off. The bank has been steadily taking the machines out of service at its branches since “errors” surfaced, but a lawyer for the plaintiffs claims damages could “run into the tens of millions of dollars.” Uh, free lollipop, anyone?
AT THE OFFICE – The reward for good work is more work, and maybe living longer. Oregon State University researchers found that retirement could kill you, after studying 2,950 older Americans, healthy and not, who retired between 1992-2010. Published in the ever-popular, super-sexy Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, the research says working beyond 65 helps keep our bodies active, our minds from turning to pudding; slows aging; and may ward off heart and lung disease, as well as Alzheimer's. It also keeps us from driving our spouses cuckoo. So – for the sake of your health and marriage – back on that NJ Transit train, buddy.
PARAMUS – The borough’s Board of Health didn’t get the privilege last night of revoking the business license of the infamous local puppy store owner. As everyone was salivating for a vote, town officials announced that a tentative agreement has been set between lawyers of the Just Pups owner and the borough. It means Just Pups will be surrendering its business licenses to Paramus, terminating his lease and thankfully going away, as the town council ratifies the agreement tonight. Plenty of applause among the local puppy population, still furious that the Just Pups owner left 67 of their breatheren caged overnight in an unlocked, unheated van behind the store last month. The store owner still faces 134 counts of animal cruelty.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
CARMEL, IN – It’s hard not to enjoy the online debate that questions if Sen. Ted Cruz is the famed Zodiac Killer – a reference repeatedly made Saturday night at the White House Correspondent’s dinner. What made it even funnier was that a reporter actually asked Heidi Cruz, the candidate’s wife, for confirmation. “There’s a lot of garbage out there,” Heidi said. Moreover, the Zodiac Killer had a rampage beginning in the 1960s; Cruz was born in 1970. So, with some basic math, we can dare assume he is not that particular serial killer. But, if the accusation spreads across another million Internet pages or so, perhaps history can change.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1988 the White House acknowledged that first lady Nancy Reagan relied on astronomy to help schedule her husband's schedule, as well as private time to get away and study the Big Dipper.
WORD OF THE DAY
Dystopia (dis-toh-PEE-ah) — noun
Definition: A place in which the condition of life is extremely bad, as from deprivation, oppression, or terror.
Example: If you listen to the political pundits, our country will be renamed the United States of Dystopia at noon on Jan. 20, 2017.
WEATHER IN A WORD
Galoshes.