The Morning Briefing - September 8, 2015
DOWN THE SHORE – As the last vacationing family sadly packed their bags and left the Jersey shore late last night, there was a loud, collective “Woo-hoo” from business owners – celebrating the fact that it did not rain one weekend in July or August. That meant a wheelbarrow of cash from silly tourists, one of whom happily paid a 75-cent surcharge for a single cherry on a cup of vanilla ice cream. (Still ticked off about that) Merchants of such businesses as bike rentals and T-shirt shacks will be trading in their Toyota Tercels for BMWs, as most are reporting striking boosts in income, thanks to Mother Nature and all us stupid bennies.
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – For people, like us, who continually grouse that Gov. Chris Christie never shows up for work, it looks as if the absentee rate will get even worse. NJ.com reports the governor has pledged to somehow do 100 town hall meetings in New Hampshire, where he is floundering somewhere around eighth in the state’s polls, depending on the date, time and placement of the moon. Christie has so far done 25 of these dog-and-pony shows up north, telling that same tearjerker anecdote about his mom to people who perhaps haven’t heard it. It all means a long road ahead to hit 100. Will he do it? No clue, but he is in New Hampshire again today.
NEWARK – Expect plenty of heartburn for Sen. Cory Booker, who is convening emergency meetings with skeptical Jewish leaders today to explain why he is supporting the controversial Iran deal that President Obama has been pushing. The Observer reports the senator will be in the lion’s den – the prominently Jewish community of Livingston – for meetings, and will bring some top Jewish leaders to his office at high noon, likely for a nosh. Even with the effort, doubtful that Jews will find Booker’s decision as agreeable as a BLT with a cold glass of milk.
ATLANTIC CITY – It all begins today: daily “news” dispatches from the Miss America pageant, with plenty of “must see” events to whip all those pageant lovers into an apoplectic frenzy for the actual event on Sunday. Perhaps if we just list all the pseudo news now, we can continue throughout the week without having to revisit this. So, here it goes: Today, tomorrow and Thursday are prelim competitions, then a military tribute, then the “Show Us Your Shoes” parade and then, finally, the damn pageant – live at 9 p.m. Sunday on ABC. Hope we covered it – unless a contestant says something remarkably stupid.
ALLOWAY TOWNSHIP – It has been a brutal summer for mosquitoes – anyone who has ventured outside with a bare leg, arm or face can bear witness. It is a little late, but better than never, as a mosquito expert appears tonight before the Salem County Nature Club. Sure, there are plenty more sexy topics than “Mosquitoes in Salem County,” but as we look at our blistered and bloated extremities, it would certainly be interesting to hear a tip or two about how to get rid of these little buggers by the summer of ’16.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
NEW YORK – To one woman who made her fortune as a professional fundraiser, she could think of no better way to bequeath $100,000 of her fortune than to give the money to her cockatiels. Yes, the world is going to the birds, as the cash will be used to ensure the 32 small parrots live out their days in the posh confines of her East Hampton home, the NY Post reports. Meanwhile, chicken legs are now selling for $6.99 a pound at the nearby Waldbaum’s.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1994 that love bugs Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley – freshly wed – open the MTV Video Music Awards, barely able to keep themselves apart as their steaming hot, lifelong marriage of unrivaled bliss begins.
WORD OF THE DAY
Zoanthropy – noun
Definition: The delusion of a person who believes he has changed into an animal.
Example: At the upcoming CNN debate, Gov. Chris Christie will announce he suffers from zoanthropy and suggests that all Republicans refer to him as “wooly mammoth” for the duration of the campaign.