The Jaffe Briefing - January 28, 2022

STATEWIDE – Snow is coming; time to panic. New Jerseyans will quickly forget the many, many times it has snowed in their lifetimes, as they engage in fistfights for the last gallon of milk and listen to breathless weathermen show maps of what could possibly happen in an absolute worst-case situation. Blizzards? Snow Avalanche? Snowmageddon? Trust us; it could all possibly happen tonight when the snow begins falling. The key to survival? Be whipped into a frenzy during the “first alerts” throughout the day. Let’s also concoct a shortage of toilet paper and cream cheese, so we recommend you begin hoarding now. Save yourself, officials say. And keep reading here for critical, life-saving updates.

EAST RUTHERFORD – Perhaps it’s just “safer” to do nice, indoor skiing, for those who love outdoor activities without going outdoors. American Dream Mall, which has had its share of challenges over the past many years, had high hopes that 2022 would attract endless skiers to The Big Snow indoor ski resort. These skiers could then want to plunk down cash in the gift shop, as well as endless restaurants and stores, all gloriously climate-controlled. But an overnight fire broke out last September at the 16-story structure, and the hill still remains closed. Mall operators tell the Record they are plagued with logistical constraints and global manufacturing delays. Some good news: the winter temperatures have kept the snow intact, at a nice 28 degrees. But with no projected reopening date, skiers may actually have to go to actual mountains, the fake, outdoor replica of The Big Snow.

STATEWIDE – At least you can kick back and enjoy some legal, recreational weed. Well, not so fast. NJ.comreports there are still some hurdles before retail locations can fly open the doors in Jersey. There was talk the stores could be open by Feb. 22, six months after all the rules and regulations have been established. One hurdle is the need for more municipal approvals of retail sites. Another is a concern about limited supply. But some pot retailers are very eager to get going, with Curaleaf telling NJ.com to “give us 48 hours and we can pretty much do whatever the state wants, and we’ll open.” In the interim, you may still need to rely on the kid down the street, now offering free delivery of dimebags.

BRIEFING BREATHER

One in five country music songs refers to alcohol, one in three to tears, and one in seven to “mama."

TRENTON – The governor was taking some lumps for redirecting millions of dollars out of a pandemic relief fund for 460,000 or so undocumented residents because the money was not used. Now, the free cash is available a bit longer, giving New Jerseyans until the end of February to take full advantage. Gov. Phil Murphy originally earmarked $40 million into the “Excluded New Jerseyans Fund,” and then threw in another $10 million at the end of 2021. But there was also a switch-a-roo, in which $34 million was quietly redirected. Immigrant advocacy groups howled, arguing the money is there for a specific reason. Now, it will be easier to access the cash, as new rules say applicants no longer need to prove a specific negative impact, NJ 101.5 reports. Applicants just need to earn less than $55,000 and be excluded from other pandemic aid. Hopefully, this extension also includes a plan to inform more residents of under-served communities; the end of February will quickly approach.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

MOUNT PLEASANT, Mich. — Whoopsie. There’s no other word to describe the incredible boo-boo at Central Michigan University, where some high school seniors were mistakenly informed they landed full-ride scholarships. But, alas, that was not the case. Now, the college is compelled to still offer the deal to the 58 kids to “make it right.” The students learned they were alleged “winners” of the Centralis Scholars Award, which includes full tuition, room and board, money toward books and supplies, and a $5,000 “study away award.” On Wednesday – in full crisis mode – red-faced officials explained the message had gone out “inadvertently” as school staffers were testing some sort of messaging technology. Central Michigan Life, CMU’s student newspaper, was all over this, further prompting the very, very generous offer.

McMinn, TN – Apparently the Holocaust is a little too graphic for local teens. McMinn school officials are banning a Pulitzer-Prize winning graphic novel, titled “Maus.” And why? Some “inappropriate language” and even an illustration of a nude woman. (Gasp!) So, in a world of TikTok, Snapchat and endless other ways in which teens regularly access inappropriate material, school officials are saving them from an educational, award-winning novel that helps explain genocide. School officials first suggested redacting eight curse words and the image of the nude woman, drawn as a mouse. That didn’t fly. And then a school board member said the book “shows people hanging, it shows them killing kids. Why does the educational system promote this kind of stuff?” Right, Board Member Tony Allman. Apparently, it’s uncomfortable to be educated in McMinn, Tennessee. So, ignore history to “protect” the next generation.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1984 that Glynn Wolfe gets married for the 26th time, in Las Vegas, setting a record for trips down the aisle.

WORD OF THE DAY

Pruinose – [proo-uh-nohs] – adjective

Definition: Covered with a frostlike bloom or powdery secretion, as a plant surface.

Example: Want to talk about teneral bugs and the pruinose that covers them as they age?

WIT OF THE DAY

“Mr. President, what happens to me in the morning -- I mean about my having this floor to go on with my babblings?”

-Mr. Smith, in Washington

BIDEN BLURB

“The filibuster has been weaponized and abused.”

-Joe Biden

WEATHER IN A WORD

Crisis!