The Jaffe Briefing - April 30, 2021

CRESSKILL – Sure, we can all get a little surly at work. But for a piss-poor attitude to be raised to the level of congressional interaction? Yep. Rep. Bill Pascrell is rushing to the aid of local postal customers, after a petition signed by 300 people complained of “constant belligerence, unprofessionalism, an uncooperative nature, a lack of common courtesy, and disrespectful behavior” from two postal clerks in Cresskill. It looks like this pesky pair will be getting “mandatory retraining” to learn how to be somewhat civil to customers. This is very generous, as you would think “instant reassignment” to a back room is a slightly more appropriate course, once hundreds of people are complaining and a congressman is forced to intervene.

STAFFORD – The school nurse is the biggest proponent of mask-wearing, right? Well, apparently not here, as a “traveling school nurse” has been suspended from the district for refusing to wear a mask. The 35-year-old nurse claims that kids wearing masks is akin to child abuse, as she defiantly refused to wear one during two school days, the Asbury Park Press reports. This silly nurse argues the virus can't be stopped with a cloth mask or a surgical mask, even an N-95 mask, contrary to the opinion of every reputable international health care organization on the planet. She refers to an apparent 99.997% survival rate for COVID-positive kids, but fails to mention how they spread the virus to those who are immunocompromised, like mom and grandma. Gotta ask: Where did Stafford find this “nurse”? We’re guessing the Cresskill Post Office.

NEWARK – The invisible workforce that magically gets your bags on the right plane and somehow shepherds everyone in the right direction is finally getting some love. Gov. Phil Murphy signed a bill that would give airport workers some extra cash to pay for health insurance. The alarming fact is that only 13% of union members are enrolled in the company health care plan shows many simply can’t afford it, yet, ironically, earn too much money to qualify for Medicaid, Politico reports. The minimum wage for these around-the-clock workers is to hit $19 an hour by 2023, but the governor and others agree that they need help now. And how to pay for it? Just tack another 50 cents onto the $8 water bottles sold in the terminals.

BRIEFING BREATHER

The largest scrambled eggs ever made weighed nearly 3.5 tons.

ASBURY PARK – Two brothers are hitting the road this weekend, to walk, and walk and walk. Aiden and Louis Ardine are walking more than 3,000 miles, from Asbury Park to the Redwood National Forest outside of San Francisco. And why? With the hopes of raising $30,000 for the Restaurant Workers’ Community Foundation, which supports people who have been laid off or seen their hours drastically cut during the pandemic, CBS reports. The brothers, of Red Bank, were bartenders caught up in the mess, and hope their five-month trek raises more awareness of the plight of this struggling industry. They plan to sleep outdoors and rely on the kindness of strangers, as the adventure begins.

STATEWIDE – Yet even more talk about which state has the best pizza. We already know it’s New Jersey, duh, and Food & Wine officially agrees in its latest ranking of the “Top 10.” The magazine writes: “Before the world turned upside down, it had been established that some of the best pizza in the country was being made in Jersey City.” Its favorites: Razza on Grove Street and Bread & Salt on Palisade Avenue. “Besides having the best new pizza in America, New Jersey also has some of the best, oldest pizza in America, down in Trenton, where they don't call it pizza at all, but rather tomato pie,” the magazine states, highlighting Papa's and DeLorenzo's Tomato Pies, both in Robbinsville, as well as some other obvious heavy-hitters, like Patsy's in Paterson, Kinchley's Tavern in Ramsey, Rosie's in Point Pleasant, Manco & Manco in Ocean City and – before we get hit with a barrage of hate mail for a glaring omission – Santillo's in Elizabeth.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

LAS VEGAS – So much for that dream pool, honey. A local couple is seeking their dreams for a pool this summer dashed, after excavators discovered a set of bones dating back to the Ice Age. So, instead of landscapers and pool designers, their backyard is now full of scientists and crime scene investigators, setting up shop to analyze the bones and gingerly remove a full fossil. KTNV reports the bones are perhaps 14,000 years old and seem to be from a horse. “Fascinating,” says the couple, as they prepare to spend the summer running through the lawn sprinkler. “Really, really fascinating.”

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1997 that 42 million tune into to hear “Ellen” announce she is gay in what, at the time, was “news.”

WORD OF THE DAY

Dross – [DRAHSS] – noun

Definition:  Something that is foreign material, inferior or trivial

Example: Who doesn’t love a writer who can turn dross into gold?

WIT OF THE DAY

“One of the weirdest questions I've gotten on the campaign trail is, 'Are you going to run as a woman?' I'm like, 'Do I have an option?' Like, what does this mean?"

-Gretchen Whitmer

BIDEN BLURB

“Gretchen Whitmer is Gretchen Whitmer. Gretchen Whitmer is one of the most talented people in the country, in my view."

-Joe Biden

WEATHER IN A WORD

Gusty