The Jaffe Briefing - February 18, 2021
TRENTON – An update on the passage of a marijuana legalization bill: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. State lawmakers and Gov. Phil Murphy still can’t find common ground when it comes to underage penalties for those nabbed with a joint. This stalemate could mean that the current effort to legalize weed may be up in smoke, as the governor has until tomorrow to act on pending bills. Murphy vows to only sign legislation if it includes uniform civil penalties for the state’s youngest potheads. It’s all ridiculous; let’s remember the governor has been hyping legal weed since he was a candidate for office and 2.7 million voters agreed at the ballot box in November. Now, lawmakers are supposed to be creating the parameters to make it all happen. Murphy et al are sworn to represent the wishes of the people. We are waiting.
TRENTON – With a simple stroke of a pen, the governor has officially extended the state’s public health emergency for the 12th time. It is an anniversary of sorts – Yay! – as this means New Jerseyans have been living under this order for an entire year. And what does the latest action mean? More of the same, really, as state health officials are focusing on vaccination and desperate to deal with demand. There are more than 1 million shots that have been given; 410,000 of us are now fully vaccinated. Murphy has been pledging to magically vaccinate 4.7 million of us within six months – which, as we all know, will require the preparation of plenty more declarations, coordination of press conferences and signing of official-looking documents.
COLTS NECK – Think you are a funny writer? Think you are quick, like you can bang out a newsletter every damn morning with fresh, relevant content that people actually care about? Then, Jon Stewart wants to hear from you. He is working on a new show for Apple TV+ and is looking for comedy writers to send him a packet of their best stuff. The assignment: Throw together the best of what you have from today’s news and get it to him by 9 p.m. (Easy peasy, Jon.) Of course, publicizing the packet has created a whole bunch of jokes about the packet itself, NJ.com reports, like this gem from Gennefer Gross: “BREAKING: AstraZeneca abandons COVID-19 vaccine research to work on their Jon Stewart packet.”
BRIEFING BREATHER
A cockroach can live nine days without a head.
TEANECK – How do four sisters stuck at their parents’ house for months on end pass the time? Likely, with plenty of wine. But this foursome has managed to make national news by baking loaves of challah during the pandemic. CBS tells of how they became involved in the Black Lives Matter movement and learned that people were willing to pay dearly for their baked deliciousness. So, they started the “Challah Back Girls,” which has so far raised $50,000 for charities that support racial equality. Their challah has already reached 42 states and 300 cities – with donations to 14 charities – as they work to solve the world’s age-old problems… one loaf of challah at a time.
SPRINGFIELD – Tip your cap to NASA ingenuity today by eating a doughnut. Krispy Kreme has found a unique way to celebrate the historic landing of NASA’s Perseverance Rover today with the “Mars Doughnut.” The spacecraft is landing on Mars today in the planet's Jezero Crater after traveling 293 million miles. From the pictures we’ve seen, this treat looks like the red planet, yet filled with chocolate creme, dipped in caramel icing with a red swirl and features chocolate cookie crumbs on top. Ok, that sounds out of this world, and is only available today. It might be the only viable reason to leave the house on a snow day. Hey, if a spacecraft can travel nearly 300 million miles, you can make it to a doughnut shop on Route 22.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates – You know what makes a great gift for your girlfriend? A bracelet. But that seemed a little, well, boring for a local man, busted for stealing a baby camel to present to his beau for her birthday. The owners of the baby camel reported the theft from their farm earlier this month, prompting Dubai police to assume the camel escaped and to pointlessly search the area. Several days later, they received a call from an Emirati man, saying this stray baby camel suddenly appeared on his farm some two miles away. Hmm. Unlike a camel, the story did not hold water. Dubai police quickly got the guy to tell the truth: He snuck into his neighbor’s farm to find a rare breed of camel for his girlfriend. The adult camels were a bit unwieldy, so he settled on the baby. But then he got neurotic about being caught, throwing together his story for the cops. No clue what the girlfriend had to say about all this.
WORD OF THE DAY
Toady – [TOH-dee] – noun
Definition: One who flatters in the hopes of getting favors.
Example: Not to be a toady, but you are absolutely brilliant to be a reader of today’s briefing. Congrats!
WIT OF THE DAY
“Vietnam was a country where America was trying to make people stop being communists by dropping things on them from airplanes.”
-Kurt Vonnegut
BIDEN BLURB
“I didn't argue that the war in Vietnam was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.”
-Joe Biden
WEATHER IN A WORD
Again