The Jaffe Briefing - December 1, 2020

STATEWIDE – The backyard bash is really thinning out these days, as the governor is desperate to control the statewide spike in coronavirus cases. And, so, outdoor gatherings are now limited to no more than 25 people. That’s fine for those who invite some friends over to shiver on the deck, but it is devastating for anyone who is trying to plan any type of community-based outdoor festival. Say bye-bye to that holiday tree lighting, the live band and any other way we celebrate the season together. To fully understand this crackdown, consider the state order was originally limited to 500 people. Then, 150 people. And now you, and a small group. Outdoor gatherings may finally be reduced to you and your dog, both heavily masked with rubber gloves mandated on all four paws.

TRENTON – Nothing is more depressing than an empty ballpark in a team-less city. (See Riverfront Park in Newark). But luckily it seems the Trenton Thunder will not experience the same awful demise as the Newark Bears. The Thunder was devastated when the New York Yankees pulled out of their 18-year affiliation, fleeing to the hills of Somerset. The future of the Trenton team and its ballpark was in jeopardy. Then, Major League Baseball stepped in yesterday, announcing a new league to showcase top prospects. Unclear how that is different than the current minor league farm system. But, who cares? The Trenton Thunder is saved, proclaimed Gov. Phil Murphy yesterday.

BRIEFING BREATHER 

Sea otters hold hands when they sleep.

STATEWIDE – Winter is coming, and what are outside restaurants to do with those big tents in their parking lots? Besides magically ensuring they remain nice, heated and cozy, as the cold winds whip, the state also wants to make sure they are safe – especially when the impending snow arrives. Restaurant owners now have another task on the heaping to-do pile, secure a local building permit to ensure safety and compliance, NJ.com reports. Yep, apparently this is not another money grab. The municipal inspections would help ensure these domes and canopies won’t collapse on the lobster bisque. And permits should have been applied for by yesterday, another alarm bell for overwhelmed business owners.

STATEWIDE – There are not a lot of New Jerseyans feeling like millionaires these days, but at least the state can tax us like ones. NJ.com reports the new millionaire’s tax is kicking in, and somehow it is affecting taxpayers whose income doesn’t exactly hit the seven-figure mark. This fun, new tax instructs employers to withhold state tax at a rate of 21.3% from salaries, wages and other payments, such as commissions and bonuses, from Nov. 1 through the rest of the year. Then, apparently, workers get the money back when they file their tax returns. Translation: Employees are being forced to give the cash-strapped state a zero-percent loan during the holiday shopping season, eventually refunded to the many who don’t earn at least $1 million. Not fair, Phil.

AT THE MALL – Santa Claus is comin’ to town, but keep the kiddies the heck off him. That’s the advice given Monday by Grinch-like state health officials, TAPinto Camden reports. While such a suggestion is about as popular as Aunt Vera’s notoriously stale fruit cake, this is about stopping the spread. And with plenty of luck – and a vaccine – those kids will be back at the mall this spring, posing with a mask-less Easter Bunny.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

HONOLULU – Sign us up. Hawaii is offering free, round-trip airfare to people who are willing to work remotely, as well as dedicate some of their time to community service. It’s called the “Movers and Shakas” program, referring to the “hang loose” hand gesture, and, yes, state officials are serious about this. The sales job is pretty simple: Spend the next couple of months in a tropical paradise, as you work remotely in your favorite grass skirt, sip Mai Tais and listen to Elvis sing “Rock-A-Hula Baby.” And then, between your fourth and fifth drink, perhaps help out a non-profit or two. Hawaii is proud to note it has the lowest rate of COVID in the nation, so you aren’t going to find a better place to fire up the laptop, as your legs lazily dangle in the Pacific; your shoulders sunkissed. Applications are accepted on a rolling basis, with the first 50 now being processed. And, in the next three seconds, assume the program will be overwhelmed. 

BAR GRAMMAR

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1976 that the blaring Sex Pistols dared to use profanity on national TV, branding them “rotten punks.” Apparently, the booking agents were surprised that such a band would be edgy.

WORD OF THE DAY

Hinterland – [HIN-ter-land] – noun

Definition: A remote region lying beyond major metropolitan or cultural centers

Example: Will the outgoing president relocate among his fans in the hinterland?

WIT OF THE DAY

“Everyone has a plan until they've been hit.”

-Joe Louis   

TODAY'S TRUMPISM 

“I’m not fighting for me, I’m fighting for the 74,000,000 million people (not including the many Trump ballots that were 'tossed'), a record for a sitting President, who voted for me!”

-Donald J. Trump

WEATHER IN A WORD

So-So

THE NEW 60

A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive

by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun

TheNew60Comic.Com