The Jaffe Briefing - October 30, 2020
STATEWIDE – It is not as welcome, as, say, the Second British Invasion, but the long-anticipated “second wave” of the coronavirus has squarely hit New Jersey. We all knew it was coming, and Gov. Phil Murphy confirmed “it is coming in now.” Murphy, who is under quarantine because of potential exposure, said there were nearly 1,500 more cases in New Jersey yesterday – the 12th straight day in which the state reported more than 1,000 new positive tests. The state is certainly more prepared this time – no need to introduce the concept of wearing a mask to the masses. But this spike raises the obvious question of how it will all affect schools, businesses, restaurants – all of which have been slowly reopening. It is, apparently, what it is.
HAWTHORNE – “Honey, ya know, I was gonna vote for Trump. But then his sign is no longer on the neighbor’s lawn, so now I am going to vote for Biden.” Perhaps that is the line of thinking among petty thieves who keep stealing Trump signs off lawns in Hawthorne, hoping it dissuades local Republicans for voting for their guy. Leaders of the local GOP are complaining to police that dozens of “Trump 2020” lawns signs have been stolen. Originally, they were placed near the curb of 40 properties of registered Republicans. When the signs were stolen, the GOP promptly put up replacements. They are gone, too, the Record reports. Even the Trump sign was snatched from Mayor Richard Goldberg's home. Most can agree: the signs make little difference to voters and just litter the landscape. All can agree: Please have them all removed by Wednesday morning.
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – In true New Jersey fashion, make sure to vote early and often. Gannett notes that more than 300 voters registered both here and in Florida have a legitimate shot to vote twice for president. Here’s how: They just need to return their mail-in ballots here, then head on down to Florida to vote – where election records don’t reveal whether someone voted until after Election Day. For some reason, there is no law that blocks a voter from being registered in more than one state, opening up the chances of voting twice. Gannett reports this kind of stuff is really rare, but it will be yet another red flag for any presidential candidate continually alleging fraud. Believe me.
BRIEFING BREATHER
Sea otters hold hands when they sleep.
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – It would be a real stunner if Donald Trump won New Jersey’s 14 electoral votes, as the latest Rutgers Eagleton poll says Joe Biden is leading in virtually all categories. For example, Biden has a 78% share among non-white voters, 78% among city dwellers and 70% with women. Let’s also assume Biden is capturing 99.9% of Atlantic City contractors who were famously stiffed during the construction of Trump casinos. And figure Biden also has 99.9% support among anyone who bought season tickets for the Trump-owned New Jersey Generals, as well as 99.9% support among any local taxpayers who cover security costs whenever Trump decides to visit his golf course in Somerset County. The only tight area, it seems, is among white voters in New Jersey, with the candidates tied at 49%.
IN THE WOODS – Is that the sultry sounds of Barry White piping through the trees? Quite likely, state environmental officials say, as it is officially deer mating season in New Jersey. Motorists are being cautioned that it is a little nutty in the woods at the moment; white-tail deer darting across the street from one party to the next could end up square in your headlights. It’s officially the “fall rut,” when the bucks pursue the does, prancing across four lanes of traffic or giving your kiddies a lesson in nature’s reproduction, with revealing views through the backyard window. Deer do their thing usually in early morning or around sunset, so make sure to keep the lava lamp on.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
SILVER SPRING, Md. – Aaah! Still good! Tupperware is making one heckuva comeback these days, with its stock price soaring into the stratosphere. The last time you probably thought about Tupperware was probably, say, 1978, when all those sealed bowls seemed to come in just three colors: puke green, puke orange or puke yellow. But with this pandemic, it is time to party. Tupperware Party, that is. With so many people foregoing restaurants because of the pandemic, millions of Americans are cooking for themselves and, thus, generating heaps of leftovers for the fridge. Profit during the most recent quarter quadrupled to $34.4 million; shares selling for around a buck in March are now trading for more than $32. Investors who sold early are now blowing their lids.
STATEWIDE – With polls showing that New Jersey voters will legalize recreational pot, cops are posing an important question: How do they know when drivers are stoned, or just really bad behind the wheel? There is no current equivalent to the Breathalyzer to gauge if someone is baked, so convictions for stoned driving rely on the observations of “drug recognition experts.” That’s not exactly air tight (unlike Tupperware); expect defense lawyers to salivate for cross examination.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2014 that Microsoft began selling a fitness-tracking armband called “Microsoft Band,” which, among other things, can record how many times you hit Wawa each day for chips and a Coke.
WORD OF THE DAY
Vulpine – [ˈvəlˌpīn/] – adjective
Definition: crafty; cunning
Example: Check out that vulpine buck who just discovered all those does grazing in my landscaping.
WIT OF THE DAY
“When you're dealing with frauds and liars, listen more to what they don't say than what they do.”
-DaShanne Stokes
TODAY'S TRUMPISM
“Why isn’t Biden corruption trending number one on Twitter? Biggest world story, and no where to be found. There is no 'trend,' only negative stories that Twitter wants to put up. Disgraceful!”
-Donald J. Trump
WEATHER IN A WORD
Wetter
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