The Jaffe Briefing - July 28, 2020
JACKSON – If you could afford a mansion on Airbnb, why would you rent smack in the middle of Central Jersey suburbia? Probably to invite 700 or so partiers who appear to have zero concern about the pandemic. Assume there were less masks than shot glasses, as it took local cops until 1 a.m. to extricate all revelers from the big house on Sunday night. Apparently, the 40-year-old homeowner thought it was wise to rent out his new mega-house for a mega-bash. An Instagram post promised a night of free booze, free food and a twerking contest with cash prizes, News 12 reports. While the homeowner – who occupied the house for just a few days – vanished somewhere among the manicured lawns of the Whispering Hill neighborhood, about 100 cars descended on his house. Neighbors – not prepared for any noise beyond the prancing of the local squirrels – began pounding the cops with calls around 8:30 p.m., stating the obvious. Every single on-duty cop responded from Jackson, as well as police from Freehold, Howell, Lakewood, along with State Troopers – none of whom are saying who won the twerking contest.
DOWN THE SHORE – Expecting rational behavior from teens is like trying to teach a pig to sing: It wastes your time and it annoys the pig. This dispiriting conclusion has been demonstrated yet again, NJ Spotlight reports, with word of 90 new COVID-19 cases traced to teens who recently attended house parties down the shore. Masks? Who are you kidding? Social distancing? Do inches count? Worse, those 90 kids — working with basic multiplication tables clearly beyond them — could equal hundreds of potential exposures. And while it’s true COVID-19 has left young folks unscathed, some have exposed grownups. What about the contact-tracing program that Murphy & Co. have been talking up since April? It’s way understaffed, but even with the 50,000 testers once promised, it may still face an insurmountable problem: Getting kids to trust the testers, convincing them that cooperating doesn’t mean ratting out your friends. And that’s only going to happen if parents get involved… which is always fun.
STATEWIDE – College = Boredom. Hard to imagine that as an indisputable fact, but it looks like our higher learning institutions are doing everything they possibly can to keep campuses tranquil and uneventful this fall. NJ Spotlight reviewed the fall plans at 38 schools, in which all of them are doing everything possible to keep students away from each other. Mandates include constant six-foot social distancing, masks even in dorm hallways, constant temperature checks, no, um, “overnight guests,” no parties, closed dining halls, limited clubs, one-way directional signs all over, restricted capacity on campus buses, and many, many other boring things. The big question: Will the kids go along with all this?
BRIEFING BREATHER
Russian was the first language spoken in outer space.
PARAMUS – What’s this story? Chopped liver? Well, yes. One of North Jersey’s best-loved carvers of kosher food is the latest business lost to the COVID-19 shutdown. Harold’s Kosher Market has closed for good after a half-century on East Rutherford Avenue. Widely known for piled-high deli sandwiches, fresh lox and herring, and its signature brisket, the market traces its Jersey roots to the 1920s, started as a kosher butcher shop. The Record says the family-run market’s closure in April was supposed to be temporary. But as the pandemic dragged on, Harold’s distributors dried up, staff took other jobs and the customer base dwindled, as synagogues were closed and Bar/Bat Mitzvahs went virtual. Harold’s announced its sad departure on social media saying: “We will miss seeing the same lovely faces every week pre-shabbat and what seemed like endless simchas and kiddishes.”
PASSAIC – When one door closes, another opens? Hmm, perhaps. A North Jersey developer is turning an old industrial complex into “the largest kosher shopping experience in the region.” This specialty mall, called Brook Haven, is to have a large kosher supermarket, a kosher liquor store, a catering hall, a Judaica bookstore and two restaurants, including one with trendy rooftop dining. There’s also space for up to 30 retail shops. Brook Haven’s CEO tells the Record he hopes this new mall, slated to open next year between Brook and Terhune avenues, will be a comfortable meeting place in the heart of this city’s Jewish community, where the chicken soup flows 24/7. Brook Haven also has approvals to build 136 one and two-bedroom apartments on-site designed for young couples and seniors. And perhaps there’s room for another homey Harold’s market?
CAMDEN – No! Not only was there an overturned tractor-trailer on the Camden side of the Ben Franklin Bridge, it was also filled with beer. CBS reports the travesty occurred 1 a.m. yesterday, when the driver lost control on Route 676 south, toppling the truck onto its side. It was flipped back up overnight, the driver suffered minor injuries and all the suds went flat on the highway, just past the toll. Sorry.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
OSLO – While all the accolades are going to an Elvis impersonator, who was able to sing 50 hours, 50 minutes and 50 seconds of Elvis songs without taking a break, the big kudos has to go to the poor schlub who had to watch the whole thing and chronicle it for the Guinness World Record. Yes, there was a hunk, a hunk of burning of love, as this 52-year-old Norwegian Elvis took the mike at a bar in Oslo on Thursday and didn’t stop gyrating until Saturday. This Elvis said he lost his voice, vowing it is the last time he takes on the task – opening up great opportunities for other Elvis marathon singers whose kisses life me higher.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2010 that California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announces that state employees need to take a three-day furlough each month. In response, state employees likened him to Conan the Barbarian, for some odd reason.
WORD OF THE DAY
Epistolary – [ih-PIST-uh-lair-ee] – adjective
Definition: written in the form of a series of letters
Example: I often get into an epistolary relationship with the opinion editor at the newspaper, whose arguments are often ill-informed, rushed, banal and biased.
WIT OF THE DAY
“The narcissist enjoys being looked at and not looking back.”
-Mason Cooley
TODAY'S TRUMPISM
“So disgusting to watch Twitter’s so-called 'Trending,' where sooo many trends are about me, and never a good one. They look for anything they can find, make it as bad as possible, and blow it up, trying to make it trend. Really ridiculous, illegal, and, of course, very unfair!”
- Donald J. Trump
WEATHER IN A WORD
50-50
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun
TheNew60Comic.Com
