The Jaffe Briefing - April 1, 2020
STATEWIDE – New Jersey’s racist community sees the COVID-19 crisis as a terrific opportunity to advance a sick agenda, evident in a flyer that is contaminating street poles in minority areas near you. Hard to believe anyone would believe this garbage, but here it is: The flyer urges Muslims, Jews and other minorities to pack mosques, synagogues and other meeting places. Posted yesterday at NJ 101.5, and clearly designed in someone’s basement, the document purports to be an official federal flyer, titled “What to do if you get COVID-19.” Some suggestions: “Spend the day on public transportation,” or “spend time in a diverse neighborhood.” Muslims should flock to mosques because of their “higher sanitary standards,” while Jews could get “complimentary masks” if they attend synagogue. Such a flyer would be scary, if it wasn’t so darn stupid.
STATEWIDE – The way some folks see it — and yes, plenty of them are professors and deans — New Jersey’s colleges and universities are making extraordinary efforts to salvage their students’ semester by switching over to remote learning. That said, many students are still inquiring about a pro-rated tuition refund, NJ Spotlight reports. Colleges are already offering pro-rated rebates for dorms, dining halls, gym fees and parking to residential students who’ve moved back home. Yet students argue that they paid for a real-world education — complete with classrooms, lecture halls, conferences and beer blasts. This puts schools in an awkward position: They argue that remote education is real world experience. And, you know, all that tuition money collected has likely been spent. Uh, sorry.
NEW BRUNSWICK – One Rutgers student is getting a self-directed lesson in democracy, circulating a petition yesterday morning on Change.org to urge President Robert Barchi to award all students a 4.0 GPA this semester. She argues that COVID-19 has had “large affects on the mental health of everyone,” and especially college students. Students are “mourning the loss of the school year, graduation, loved ones and the anxiety of getting the virus.” That’s true. And, apparently, a perfect GPA would soften the blow, thus alleviating unprecedented mental and physical issues. There were about 450 signatures on the petition early this morning; we'll bet there are plenty more now. A winning football team this fall would also help end the anguish.
SCOTCH PLAINS – These days, “Today Show” producer Drew Weisholtz works from home to help put on NBC's morning show. Then, in the afternoon, he works with "head writers" Ian and Miles (his young sons) to put on his family’s "Quarantine Tonight," a five-minute live stream, featuring his own opening monologue, TAPInto Scotch Plains-Fanwood reports. Weisholtz, who dabbles in stand-up comedy on the side, has created gems like "We're going to party like it's COVID-1999" and "We can stay positive knowing this will end sooner or ventilator." Check out this video, as you giggle from home.
BRIEFING BREATHER: Dwight Eisenhower’s interstate highway system requires that one mile in every five must be straight, in case the Russians invade and emergency airstrips are required.
CAMDEN – These are good days at the Royal Paper Co. A local company – which sells toilet paper, latex gloves and other stuff that was ho-hum about a month ago – is suddenly bursting with business from across the country. The busy owners tell TAPInto Camden that the 96-roll cases of toilet paper are the hottest item ever, with orders flying in from California, Texas and everywhere in between. The company offers a robust catalog of 800 USA-made bathroom tissue and other paper products, as well as cleaning products and other items of immense interest at the moment. Business is up between 50% and 70% as more and more people learn about the stockpile at the Royal Paper Co. TAPInto Camden wipes its media competition on this one.
MILLTOWN – This tiny, tight-knit town has launched the #IstayAtHome challenge. It’s one of the first New Jersey communities launching a public access show to highlight how people are staying busy and healthy during the coronavirus lockdown. Borough media director Russ Einbinder is inviting residents to share funny videos and photos showing how their families and their pets are coping, as the walls steadily close. He tells The Sentinel the greatest hits will grace Milltown’s public access airwaves, for hundreds of people to see. The #IstayAtHomeForMilltown challenge, he says “will show the wonderful things about our town … (and) be a nice memory of a not-so-nice time” for those who choose to get nostalgic.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
LAKEWOOD, WASH. - You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can try to teach your pup how to drive. At least that's what one unidentified 51-year-old man was apparently attempting to do as he blew down the interstate faster than Fido chasing the neighborhood letter carrier. The speedometer topped out at 109 before state troopers used a spike strip to bring the car to a stop. The guy explained to cops that he was giving his pet pit bull driving lessons. "I wish I could make this up," an officer told the Everett Herald. The pooch is safe and sound at an area animal shelter. The man, who has been charged with hit and run, driving under the influence and other offenses, remains in the doghouse.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1621 that the Plymouth colonists hammer out a peace treaty with the Native Americans, who use smoke signals to advertise it as the very first April Fool’s joke.
WORD OF THE DAY
Loon – [LOON] – noun
Definition: A crazy person
Example: Am I becoming a loon, or did a kid steal my favorite crayon?
WIT OF THE DAY
“There is no worse mistake in public leadership than to hold out false hope soon to be swept away.”
- Winston Churchill
TODAY'S TRUMPISM
“There’s a theory that, in April, when it gets warm — historically, that has been able to kill the virus.”
-Donald J. Trump
WEATHER IN A WORD: Pleasant
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun
