The Jaffe Briefing - September 11, 2019
FLORHAM PARK - Are the Jets in Ficken trouble? We will soon find out if the Jets will be kicking themselves, after holding an odd open tryout yesterday for a last-second placekicker to fill the roster. So, welcome to the team, Sam Ficken. And who is this Ficken guy, anyway? He is a 26-year-old Penn State grad who apparently had a leg up on the other contenders, vying yesterday to play for the Jets this season. So, is Ficken kickin'? Well, he is already the fourth kicker in this nascent season, and has only three more NFL field goals than you or us. (Slim Fickens, here) Ficken has only played in four games since not being drafted in 2015. Hopefully, the Jets aren't off on the wrong foot… The plot Fickens.
LIVINGSTON – Hmmm. That is the question of one couple, wondering why the baby daughter they created with the help of a local fertility clinic looks a bit, well, Asian. And it is not that this white couple from Verona has any problem with Asians, it is just that, well, uh, they are white. And it looks like the facility may have used the wrong sperm to impregnate the wife, NJ.com reports. And while their little angel is all angelic and all, they took a DNA test that shows the father is not the biological father. The couple, now divorced, is suing. Meanwhile, the judge is ordering the fertility clinic to hand over its list of sperm donors, as the plot Fickens.
STATEWIDE – When you think sex, don’t think Phil Murphy. He’s the governor of one of the absolute least sexy states, according to a new poll. Only Alaska and Nebraska are less sexier than the Garden State in a survey by global travel site Big 7 Media. The site didn’t specify what it meant by “sexiness,” but New Jersey can lay - pun intended - claim to several homegrown hotties and honeys. What could be sexier than Steve Forbes’ flat tax, or Martha Stewart’s muffins or Dick Vitale’s dome? Really, who wouldn’t want some nooky with Snooki? The survey reports Illinois, Colorado, Florida, California and Hawaii are the sexiest of states apparently. But they have nothing on New Jerseyans. Like Rahway-native Carl Sagan, who made millions of women see stars.
PRINCETON – Unclear what’s on your tabletop this morning - maybe last night’s dinner, or a pair of shoes that need shining, or perhaps your car keys hopelessly buried under a stack of unread newspapers. In Princeton, the tabletop yesterday was filled with many important papers, as hundreds of county, state and federal officials gathered for the New Jersey Election Security and Preparedness Tabletop Exercise. NJ Spotlight says the group contemplated every foreseeable glitch — or cyberattack — that could prevent a smooth and complete vote in the 2020 presidential election, as well as the immediate responses to such cataclysms. The officials were presented with scary scenarios and had to respond within five minutes to simulate a real, high-pressure incident. No matter what, expect losing politicians to scream about Russia.
ON THE CAMPAIGN TREK? – If Sen. Cory Booker ever gets beamed up to the White House, he’s likely to captain our country like Jean Luc-Picard. The Garden State’s homegrown presidential hopeful, a self-admitted Trekkie, tells the New York Times that Star Trek’s Picard is his “favorite captain by far. Besides his great haircut (Picard, like Booker, is bald), I do love how profoundly intellectual he is and how reasoned and thoughtful.” Star Trek’s appeal for Booker? Its ever-optimistic vision of humanity’s future. As for President Trump, Booker says he’s a Ferengi, an alien race that relentless pursues profit and wealth. After 2020, let’s hope Trump doesn’t join the Klingon Empire for vain domination of the universe.
DOWN THE AISLE – New Jersey isn’t just the second most expensive state to date. If things work out, it’s also the second-highest priced place to get married. Match.com says average dates in the Garden State costs nearly $260, just shy of $297 in NYC. For a cheap night out, you really need to live in South Dakota where a bucket of KFC, a six-pack of warm Pabst Blue Ribbon and a Netflix subscription will set you back, on average, just $38 or so. As for weddings, Magnify Money says New Jersey’s average runs about $37,000, second to Hawaii, where you can get lei'd for just a grand more. Want bargain basement nuptials? Try Mississippi, where the average cost of $15,250 buys a woodland-camo wedding gown, a few magnolia bouquets, and all the pulled pork and po’boys you can eat at the rod-n-gun club. Firearms strongly encouraged.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA – Muslims here have a real beef with “ham,” so Burger King restaurants across South Africa are erasing that apparently offensive term from their menus to keep competitive. The fast food chain’s burger patties are ground beef, we are told, with positively no pork. Yet, many Muslim customers won’t order anything that sounds like it was once a part of a pig. To satisfy devout “halaal” patrons, Business Insider says Burger King’s “Double Spicy Hamburger” will now just be a “Double Spicy Burger;” a “Triple Hamburger with Cheese,” becomes a “Triple Cheeseburger;” and no more “Hamburger King Jr.’s,” just a “Kid’s Burger.” Expect the newfangled “Impossible Whopper” to be a huge hit in Cape Town. Just hold the bacon, ok?
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