The Jaffe Briefing - July 18, 2019
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL - Some potentially good news for freshman Rep. Jeff Van Drew, who may be running for re-election against a loony right-winger who served as a senior aide in the Trump Administration. New Jersey Globereports that the anti-gay Robert Patterson, who lost to Rep. Donald Norcross in 2016, may be making a second bid for Congress, this time against Van Drew. This guy was forced to quit a job working for Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett in 2012 after the Philadelphia Inquirer reported he was also editor of The Family in America, which advocates for the "natural human family." Check out these gems: Patterson has complained that condoms deprive women of the "remarkable" chemicals found in semen that help elevate mood and self-esteem and argued that "semen-exposed" women have better concentration and cognitive skills. And this gem on birth control: He says it weakens a woman's "natural sense of attraction to men who would be a good biological match and enable her to conceive easily and bear healthy children." Oh, Mr. Patterson, please, please run for Congress. We need the news copy.
TRENTON - Gov. Phil Murphy has an unfortunate knack for provoking those who should be natural allies. This time it's New Jersey's "greens," who are seeing red over the administration's draft Energy Master Plan. Their overarching complaint? The draft doesn't deem climate change as an urgent issue. The plan doesn't impose a moratorium on new natural-gas projects. It relies on nuclear power until 2050, long after the licenses for the state's three nuclear plants will have expired. And its definition of clean energy is wonky and could open the door to more incinerators, especially in so-called environmental-justice communities. There are no easy answers so far. Murphy can't snap his fingers and cut down on greenhouse-gas emissions any more than he could conjure up a millionaires' tax. Enviros are not known to be particularly patient when it comes to clean energy. Meanwhile, NJ Spotlight reports, the governor is making enemies from a group that had been among his strongest supporters at the polls.
STATEWIDE - On such a hot day in Jersey, cool down with a cold beerin the shower, considered as one of the few, pure unadulterated pleasures in life. A Swedish brewery says it has created the ultimate shower beer, designed for that very purpose, Esquire reports. PangPang Brewery says its "Shower Beer" is "sweet, but strong" and "meant to gulp in three sips while standing the shower." The beer is described with a "soapy flavor," the ideal pairing with your Prell or Pert. Says the brewery founder: "I work long and hard days, and when I come home I'm often covered in malt dust - my girlfriend actually calls me Mr. Malty Pants - and the shower is a gateway back to normal society." Chug, Burp, Repeat.
ATLANTIC CITY - When sports betting became legal in New Jersey last June, one would assume students at Stockton University would be thirsting for the new action. After all, the school has a convenient campus in Atlantic City and in nearby in Galloway. But the school's own polling shows that students don't seem that enthused. College students - perhaps desperate to find a way to pay for all that shower beer - prefer the slots, with 52% deeming it the most popular gambling opportunity. Then, there's lottery, then casino table games and then, finally, sports betting, at 28%. Wow, what are the odds?
LBI - Maybe the world isn't your oyster, but you can help bring Jersey oysters to the rest of the world. Thanks to an innovative recycling effort, nearly 20 seafood restaurants on Long Beach Island are stockpiling their customers' shells for a Stockton University-sponsored program to breed more oysters on an artificial reef in Barnegat Bay. Empty shells - nearly 14 tons so far this year - get mixed with farm-raised baby oysters (called "spat") are then cast overboard onto reefs. Long Beach Township Mayor Jim Mancini tells The Sandpaper his town will host an October "Shellabration" to highlight this successful effort, featuring oysters, clams and perhaps plenty of shower beer to wash it all down.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BRIGHAM CITY, UT - Assume that not much happens in Brigham City,where multiple reports that a kid was selling roadside beer prompted the full response of the police department to the 600th block of S. 200 East on July 17. The kid, who is somewhat of a marketing genius, created a roadside sign that read "Ice Cold Beer," but the truth was in the fine print. Upon arrival at "the scene of the crime" on July 17, officers were able to determine the word "root" written in small print over the word "Beer" on the sign. Officers then tasted the product to confirm that, yes, the item for sale is a carbonated, sugar-based product, as opposed to an alcohol-laced death drink, akin to shower beer. Police also noted in the report that "business has been good" for the boy, and then posed for photos.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2016 that residential fury over Pokemon chasing hit a crescendo, when one cranky old landlord wrote this flyer and stuck it on his fence: "This is a private yard, for tenants of the building only, not for Pokemon chasing. GET A LIFE AND STAY OUT OF MY YARD." Slugging back a shower beer, he then added that Pokemon is "by far the stupidest thing I have ever seen and I have lived through:"
Other stupid things that have since been identified:
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Hammer Pants;
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Crystal Pepsi;
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The Macarena;
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MAGA hats;
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Shower beer; and
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Ten seasons of CSI: Miami
WORD OF THE DAY
Caesura [sə-ZYOO-rə] - noun
Definition: A break or interruption
Example: When someone asks which Presidential candidate has my interest, the caesura of a deep breath inserts itself before I can muster a reply.
WIT OF THE DAY
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"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation."
- Herman Melville
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WEATHER IN A WORD
Sudsy
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