The Jaffe Briefing - March 18, 2019
TRENTON - The state is going to the dogs, which apparently have a terrific lobbyist in Trenton. Somehow, Fido, Rover and other four-legged friends have convinced lawmakers in the Assembly Agriculture and Natural Resources Committee to support a bill that would limit the number of dogs euthanized after they attack. NJ 101.5 reports that the legislation would only allow dogs who are determined as dangerous or vicious to be put down, which could save the lives of hundreds of dogs a year. Under the bill, if it is proven a dog attack was provoked, his life could be spared. Expect plenty of doggie trials.
TRENTON - Those E-bikes - electric bikes with little bitty motors that give the rider a boost going uphill or into the wind - are the next big thing. There's a growing market among older people with health issues or joint pain who'd love to stay biking, but just need a bit of a boost. All good, but the state Legislature needs a bill that actually classifies these E-bikes correctly. Currently, mopeds are on the books - they need to be registered with the state Motor Vehicle Commission. Some cops mistakenly think low-speed E-bikes are mopeds and have been ticketing bikers for not registering them. But there's actually no way to comply at the MVC, which doesn't require them to get registered. So, what the heck do you do? NJ Spotlight gets us up to speed.
STATEWIDE - Trump supporters who are deeply concerned about the political leanings of restaurant owners now have an app as a trusted resource. The next time they are considering a nice night out with the wife, they can simply access "63red Safe" and quickly learn which eateries across New Jersey are deemed "safe" and "not safe." App developers scan social media and will tag a restaurant "not safe" if the proprietor posts that the president is an egotistical, ignorant, orange madman. Other businesses are deemed "safe" if, for example, the restaurant allows you to pack a gun while you enjoy your waffles. This Yelp for MAGA conservatives is so needed, sadly, to protect them from the "rise of the socialist goon squad," app developers say. Because, remember, that waitress bringing you more coffee really, truly cares what you think about anything.
STATEWIDE - Assume there's a "Tony's Pizza" around the corner for, say, six, out of every 10 New Jerseys. "Tony's" is apparently New Jersey's most popular eye-talian name for pizzerias, topping Luigi's and Vinnie's for numero uno. These are the findings of a bored data-cruncher at lifestyle website Medium. Using NJ.com's businessfinder, he estimates most New Jerseyans live 15 minutes from one of more than 50 "Tony's" pizza joints, including Papa Tony's, Uncle Tony's, Tony Boloney's and Original Tony's Pizza. Among them are a dozen South Jersey ristorantes called "Tony Soprano's Pizza." Now, for full disclosure, we hear most of these joints are owned by a guy named "Mike." But he certainly knows a guy named Tony.
STATEWIDE - With the NCAA tourney upon us, yet again, you're already thinking how this is finally the year you'll pick the perfect March Madness brackets. Sure you will, except for the fact that you have a 1 in 9.2 quintillion chance of doing that. Bloomberg offers sobering context: With just 7 quintillion grains of sand on Earth, you've got a better shot finding the one painted Carolina Blue than picking the winner of all tournament games. That's if you are picking randomly. If you know anything about basketball, and recognize a No. 1 seed should trounce a No. 16 seed, a Duke math professor puts your chances at a much more reasonable 1 in 2.4 trillion. Not bad odds. Here are the printable brackets; play responsibly.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
DANVILLE, VT - Blame the squirrels, as you will now pay much more to drench your pancakes in authentic Vermont maple syrup. Squirrels are plaguing mom-and-pop syrup-makers who tap maple trees for the sweet sap that ends up on your breakfast table. One Vermonter tells the Caledonian Record: "Occasionally squirrels decide to declare war ... this year, they have." Squirrels are forcing sap-tappers to trudge through deep snow each day to find and replace chewed up plastic tubes that carry sap from their trees to sugar shacks where it gets boiled down into syrup. It's a time-consuming process, with plenty of muttering and swearing, so, yeah, you'll be paying dearly for it.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1992 that "4 Baboons Adoring the Sun" opened at the Beaumont Theater in New York for 38 performances. A decent run, yes, but we still feel for the often-ignored fifth baboon.
WORD OF THE DAY
smithereens - [smih-thə-REENZ] - plural noun
Definition: Countless tiny disconnected fragments or splintered pieces... or an 80s rock band from Carteret
Example: Someone blew my Smithereens album to smithereens.
WIT OF THE DAY
"Aren't we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?" - Will Ferrell
WEATHER IN A WORD
Sunny
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun
