The Jaffe Briefing - October 6, 2017
OUR TAKE ON THE NEWS IN NEW JERSEY
TRENTON - All those gun rights advocates likely have compelling arguments about how the Founding Fathers wanted to ensure that Americans have "bump stocks" on their guns so they can spray bullets even faster. With all due respect to the Second Amendment, we laud proposed federal and state efforts to finally ban the sale and possession of this ridiculously unnecessary gun accessory. The bump stock was used by the Las Vegas nutjob in the deadliest mass killing in U.S. history. Yeah, bump stocks don't kill, people do. Right. Ban it anyway.
SAYREVILLE - An amazing fact: Bon Jovi is not in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. Incredible, even though the band has sold 37 million albums in the United States, sells out arenas with music originally performed in the 1980s and still gives love a bad name. Well, the band has been nominated as part of the Class of 2018, with some other iconic, kick-ass groups, like Depeche Mode, the Cars, Radiohead, Rage Against the Machine, the Moody Blues and the J. Geils Band. We say: put `em all in. Dead or Alive.
STOCKTON - Mooove. That was the message from a New Jersey state trooper, trying to get a cow off Route 29 on his way to work yesterday. The cow just looked at Sgt. 1st Class Jeff Flynn, and continued to meander, as rush hour traffic continued to back up on the rural road. The cow's farmer soon arrived and then another Trooper. Together, the trio was somehow able to get the cow back to the farm on the other side of the highway. Flynn tells the AP this is nothing new; he also has experience moving horses and goats.
MONROE - A South Jersey elementary school is being shut down for months, following the "discovery" of mold on ceiling tiles, lockers and classrooms. Now, we are no mold experts, but how was it a surprise to anyone at Holly Glen Elementary School that mold was steadily spreading? NBC reports the school will be closed for months and the 550 students will be split up and educated elsewhere, in other district buildings that are assumed to have no mold. Meanwhile, parents are obviously worried about health concerns for their children. Pardon the assumption that schools are regularly checked. Is this supposed to be fungi?
CLOSTER - The school business administrator is now banned for lifefrom a local peewee football league, after allegedly snapping when his son was benched as quarterback on a flag football team, NJ.com reports. Supposedly, the guy went nuts, shouting expletives and then putting the 16-year-old coach of the opposing team in a chokehold, as the players, ages 6-8, watched at Westwood Middle School. He was charged Wednesday with simple assault and perhaps, may we suggest, some counseling.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. - As you awoke this morning, you likely had one pressing matter on your mind: Which dog has the longest tongue? Well, look no further than this briefing for the answer: A St. Bernard in South Dakota has set the new, slobbery world record. "Mo" has landed in the Guinness Book of World Records with his tongue measuring 7.31 inches. Significant? You bet. Newsworthy? Absolutely. Why? Because the former record for the longest dog tongue was "only" 4.5 inches.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1996 that Bill Clinton meets Bob Dole in their first debate. Dole brings a pen.
WORD OF THE DAY
Agita - [AJ-uh-tuh] - noun
Definition: a feeling of agitation or anxiety
Example: "Agita, my goombah in the bonzone. When I eat he gets a treat like a gonzo." (From the Nick Apollo Forte song made famous in Woody Allen's "Broadway Danny Rose")
WEATHER IN A WORD
Toasty