The Jaffe Briefing - March 21, 2017
KINNELON – Kinnelon and neighboring Butler have the same zip code. They have streets with the same names. And they have same house numbers on those same streets. So, do you think mail constantly gets mixed up? Hell, yes. But will the U.S. Post Office give Kinnelon its own zip code? Hell, no. Kinnelon has petitioned for its own zip code four times, getting rejected each time, CBS reports. The humorless, friendless Postal Service explains Kinnelon has “failed to meet growth and volume criteria.” Basically, to summarize, Kinnelon comprises a bunch of failures.
JACKSON – Something you don’t often see: A pastor found guilty of accepting $150,000 in bribes. A Manhattan federal jury convicted the Rev. Trevón Gross, spiritual leader of Hope Cathedral in Jackson, for pocketing money from two shady bitcoin dealers from Florida who ran an elaborate $10 million swindling scheme using a federal credit union that Gross operated. NJ.com says the scam involved online sales of collectible stamps, sports memorabilia, and other stuff. We presume Gross is now praying for forgiveness and, perhaps, a light prison sentence from a higher authority.
NEWTON – M&M’s, Snickers and, oh yeah, latex gloves. That’s what startled corrections officers found being sold to them in the Sussex County jail’s vending machines this week. Two pair for a buck. They usually get their latex gloves for free to protect against Hepatitis or HIV. In fact, free latex safety gloves are a state health requirement for corrections officers. The sale baffled state PBA President Patrick Colligan, telling NBC News: “It’s one of those stories, your mouth opens … what's next, are we charging for bullets, are we charging for guns?”
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Getting a little tired of writing whether Joe Piscopo is a go for the governor’s race, as he seems to be dangling on the last nail of the fence. The latest is that, no, he won’t run as a Republican. But maybe, just maybe, he will run as an Independent. Jersey politics don’t really have the space for Independents, so it seems, at best, he would offer some great comic relief on the debate stage between the serious contenders. Meanwhile, Piscopo vows he is “more serious about this than ever before,” reiterating he is “not being coy,” NJ 101.5 reports. Fortunately, the drama will only play out until April 3, the deadline for candidates to declare in the primary. Can’t wait to see his Frank Sinatra impersonation in debating the Transportation Trust Fund.
SOUTH BRUNSWICK — He could be the worst guest to ever check in at the Hotel Vincenza. First, cops say, the 27-year-old West Paterson man robs the front desk manager, then he punches some people in the lobby and then refuses to leave his hotel room. Then, TAPInto South Brunswick reports, cops find him in his room “in a fighting stance.” He knocks one cop into a wall and then spits on others as he is being handcuffed. The Saturday incident prompted plenty of charges, like “throwing bodily fluids on law enforcement,” and ensuring the hotel will not be awarding him any “priority points” for his stay.
LAKEWOOD – Tim Tebow, or better known as “the guy the Mets are using to gin up sales at their minor league affiliates,” will be appearing in Lakewood, May 13-16. The lousy-former-quarterback-turned-lousy-baseball-player will be striking out four times a night, playing for the Single-A Columbia Fireflies. You can watch him whiff from the cheap seats, as you cheer on the Blueclaws, take advantage of $2 Coronas, parade your dog on the field at the “Pet Parade,” and play “Baseball Bingo,” whatever that is.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BANGKOK – It seemed a great idea to throw a coin or two in the pond for good luck. But it wasn’t good luck for the 25-year-old sea turtle that happened to live in that pond, who died yesterday from blood poisoning when doctors removed 915 coins from her stomach. The green turtle, locally nicknamed “The Piggy Bank,” was carrying 11 pounds worth of coins, which she had mistaken for food. Doctors say they will now learn more from an autopsy, perhaps making the wild, crazy leap that coins and turtles don’t mix.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2011 that the first full face transplant was performed at the Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston.
WORD OF THE DAY
Halcyon – [hal·cy·on] – adjective
Definition: Calm; peaceful; tranquil
Example: My accountant typically takes a halcyon approach to his work, until he sees my shoeboxes stuffed with crumpled receipts.
WEATHER IN A WORD
Mild