The Jaffe Briefing - March 14, 2017
STATEWIDE - A hearty congratulations to the state's meteorologists who breathlessly promised that it would snow today, showing all these dire-looking maps with plenty of red and videos of frantic people running around "command centers." So, everyone responded promptly, with government and schools announcing yesterday that they were willing to shut down. And, we are proud to note, that, yes, it did actually snow. Nice work.
STATEWIDE - So, now there's all this snow on your car. And you have places to go. Cops say you actually need to clear it all off, or you are going to get ticketed. Don't believe us? NJ 101.5 reports that cops statewide have so far handed out 867 tickets to motorists this year who figure they could sorta, kinda, see through the snow and ice to sorta, kinda decipher the difference between the road and the sidewalk. Cops say it could really be the difference between life and death, so, c'mon, drop $3 on a scraper and actually use it, OK?
NEWARK - It is not exactly the crime of the century. But stealing candy from the same 7-Eleven three times in four days is earning some jail time for a city resident. Each time, the guy brandished a knife and made off with sweets. Cops busted him 14 hours after the last mini-heist in December 2015, when he returned, yet again, to the store. The shift manager, who really got to know the guy after being repeatedly robbed, easily pointed him out. The man is looking at seven years in jail. Hope the M&Ms were marvelous.
STATEWIDE - Some impressive news for New Jersey: the state added 61,000 jobs last year. The feds say this is the best year for private-sector growth since 2000, the Record reports. Gov. Chris Christie takes full credit, of course, wearing his Republican cloth coat to note this is the result of his seven years of good, old-fashioned conservative policies, rejecting tax increases and offering huge tax breaks to businesses. The governor has another fun fact: Since he has been driving the boat, the state has added 313,100 private-sector jobs. Another laudable stat. The question we will leave for economists: Are these jobs comparable in pay/benefits to those lost in the Great Recession?
ON THE ROAD - A porn website may be coming to the rescue during today's snowstorm. Pornhub, a Canadian-based porn video website, says it has lined up two dozen private plow trucks to help clear away snow from some small businesses in New Jersey. Precisely where in the Garden State these trucks - bearing the site's logo on their doors - will appear is a little hazy, but a Pornhub spokesman told Boston Magazine, the website just wants to help some fans "get plowed." Pornhub has previously sponsored breast cancer awareness events called "Save the Boob," and an Arbor Day campaign "Pornhub Gives America Wood." So, uh, thanks.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
PITTSBURGH - A married man who picks up dog crap for a living figured he needed an edge to pick up the chicks. So, the 54-year-old man bought some fake Secret Service identification cards and badges online, for $100, with the fancy, sure-to-get-laid title of "Senior Special Agent, Protective Services Division." But he then took the charade a little too far, flashing the ID at a traffic stop and trying to secure a government discount at a hotel. A judge hit him with a $500 fine and probation, after the defendant declared in court, "Your honor, I'm not a bad man, I'm a dumb man." No jail time, but now he's back to work at "Doodle Scoopers," which seems punishment enough.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It's a big day for hockey great Gordie Howe. In 1962, on this day, he became the second hockey player in history to score 500 goals. And, then, on this day in 1997, he is signed on to play for the Syracuse Crunch, at the spry age of 68.
WORD OF THE DAY
Heart-whole - [harht-hohl] - adjective
Definition: not in love
Example: I come away heart-whole from shoveling my driveway.
WORD OF THE DAY
White