The Morning Briefing - September 21, 2016
BERGENFIELD – A concierge? Touchscreen menus? Sriracha sauce on your McNuggets? This from the trendy McDonald's of tomorrow which just opened here. More of these eateries will soon dot New Jersey, a test of whether America's biggest fast food chain can take a bite out of upscale competitors like Smashburger, Panera Bread or Chipotle Mexican Grill, the Record says. In this chichi McDonald's, a dutiful concierge directs patrons to the “next available sales associate.” There's table service, soothing music and gourmet toppings – maple-flavored bacon, jalapenos, pico de gallo and guacamole – for your Big Mac. And because McDonald's finally realizes the under-40 crowd likes to customize meals, you can finally say: “Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce,” without some lip from a zit-faced “sales associate.”
BEACHWOOD – Compassion, like charity, apparently begins at home. At least it did for the owner of a former Ocean County tax preparation business, ironically called “Compassionate Financial Services,” who admitted to swindling $345,000 in unemployment checks from the state from 2012 and 2015. The 35-year-old owner pleaded guilty this week to felony theft by deception charges, telling a judge in Trenton that she paired the real names of 24 former clients with phony background info to collect monthly unemployment checks. The state Attorney General's Office tells NJ.com the woman must repay every red cent, plus serve eight years in prison. Apparently, no compassion there.
TRENTON – Using the “hell-hath-no-fury” defense may just work for a scorned woman who knifed her ordinarily platonic, live-in male friend after he spurned her amorous advances. Police charged the victim's 61-year-old randy roommate with aggravated assault after last Friday night's escapades at the Pearl Street house they share, the Trentonian says. The victim, treated for a chest wound, told police the angry woman made a dash for the kitchen cutlery after his repeated refusals to hop into the sack. She's in custody on $10,000 bail. Wow, most women are satisfied just putting the toilet seat down.
ON THE ROAD – There apparently seems to be a new line of business for psychologists – trying to cure people addicted to their cell phones. A West Orange psychologist tells NJ 101.5 that New Jerseyans who can’t stop using their phone while driving may be in denial of their disorder. How do I know if I have a problem? “You know if your family members are saying stop, put that down. If you can’t stop yourself, well then it’s bordering on addiction,” she said. “When you have lost control over it and it is controlling you, then you have a serious issue.” Compulsive cell phone behavior is not only dangerous, it’s also a cry for help. So, add that to the agenda at your next meeting with the shrink.
NEW BRUNSWICK – Why should tampons only be available in women’s bathrooms? Apparently, there is a need for them to be in male and gender-neutral bathrooms, as well, on the campus of Rutgers University. The Rutgers University Student Assembly (RUSA) will consider spreading free tampons and pads far and wide, just like the free toilet paper and free hand soap that is available all over. Under the plan, it would be the student assembly’s responsibility to restock the supply each week, The Daily Targum reports. Interesting to see if this initiative sticks.
NEW BRUNSWICK – Rutgers Athletic Director Pat Hobbs sipped a beer during a student tailgate last Saturday. And apparently that is scandalous news. New Brunswick Today has posted a video revealing Hobbs on stage, with students cheering him on, as a woman hands him a beer at a short-lived student tailgate known as “The Alley,” now closed. “If they card me I’m OK. Go RU!” Hobbs says as he takes a sip. Yup, that’s it. And now an official statement in apology: “My first concern is always the safety and well-being of our students. Anyone who was at The Alley on Saturday knows that I was acting to ensure that. I regret that any action on my part could be interpreted as promoting the use of alcohol. That was certainly not my intention.” How, um, shameful.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BASEL, SWITZERLAND – In what could be the most anti-climatic study results ever, it was learned that drinking beer makes you friendlier and less inhibited. (Hear that, Hobbs?) Psychopharmacology researchers at University Hospital were actually paid by someone to conduct this not-so-sobering study, revealing that enjoying a pint “helps people see happy faces faster.” Researchers worked with 30 men and 30 women. Half were given enough beer to raise their blood alcohol level to about 0.4 grams per liter; the other quaffed a nonalcoholic brew. Then, observation began. The official findings – which any half-blind, part-time rookie bartender can already tell you – will be revealed Monday at the European College of Neuropsychopharmacology in Vienna, Austria.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1988 that Mike Tyson smashes a TV camera in front of his Bernardsville home. And Don King had promised that camera at least three rounds.
WORD OF THE DAY
Eclogue [ECK-log] – noun
Definition: A poem in which shepherds converse
Example: How many eclogues shall we expect during Donald Trump’s opening statement at next week’s debate?
WEATHER IN A WORD
Summer!