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The Morning Briefing - September 19, 2016

LEONIA – Something is afoul with the toilet paper at Costco, and it isn’t what you think. Two Costco shoppers claim the mega-chain has slapped a sales tax on its toilet paper, even though it is an obvious necessity and not a taxable item, the Record reports. A Leonia couple, with many, many hours of extra time on their hands, have filed a class-action suit, demanding their $6. And they also claim that more than 100,000 other toilet paper customers have also faced a similar fate. Their attorney is demanding that Costco issue refunds to all the, er, victims, plus interest. Nice: The message to Costco: Squeeze the Charmin, not the customers.

ON THE ROAD – More big blinking, flashing, scrolling digital billboards may be coming our way now that New Jersey's highest court says towns don't have the juice to ban them. Why not? Well, prohibiting those digital roadside distractions might leave tire tread marks across the First Amendment, NJ.com reports. Our state Supreme Court became a vociferous free speech champion after a Somerset-based advertiser sued Franklin Township for its 2010 ban on electronic billboards along Route 287. The town didn't want big, ugly V-shaped monstrosities diverting drivers' attention, but the top court disagreed. Town attorney Lou Rainone says Franklin officials are, of course, “very disappointed.”

PATERSON – With Donald Trump focused on building walls and throwing out “illegals,” it was somewhat amazing to watch the Passaic County Republicans open up a campaign office in downtown Paterson. Democrats have a 2:1 advantage in Passaic County, and it would be interesting to find a living, breathing, card-carrying Republican among the immigrant population in the Silk City. But you now may be able to find one, the Record reports, as part of the “low-budget, grassroots effort” to lure urbanites to a Presidential candidate who actively wants to deport them. You can now meet an actual Republican at the campaign office, 100 Broadway.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

PHILADELPHIA – Some shocking news for local bums and drunks. Now that the city is planning to try urine-repelling paint at train stations, they will soon no longer pee with impunity. The Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority will run a trial this fall of a product called “Ultra-Ever Dry,” a surface coating that makes the wiz spray back onto the wizzer, Billy Pen reports. This special coating has been used with tremendous fanfare in public spaces in San Francisco and Hamburg, Germany. The bigger question is where to apply it. Perhaps elevators, walkways or walls that have been proven popular, as per the videos.

SWARTHMORE, PA. – Hey parents, please just, uh, ignore that wafting smoke from those dormitory windows. Student tour guides at Swarthmore College, outside Philly, tell the Inquirer they were ordered to steer prospective freshmen and parents away from every dormitory. Why? Marijuana smoke is sometimes so pervasive in the dorms that the admissions staff is worried parents might get a “contact high.” Swarthmore administrators, on the other hand, claim tour changes had nothing to do with pot smoke. Dormitory tours just took way too much time, so school officials told tour guides to “streamline” their routes. In completely unrelated news, Swarthmore students have been named “the most mellow” in national rankings.

SUSSEX, ENGLAND - Yes, a man really did call 999 (their version of 911) while being chased by police to ask them to stop following him, the Telegraph reports. Bruce Dewey, 36, got 15 months in the clink for apparently weaving in and out of traffic, occasionally on the wrong side of the road, while on the phone with cops saying "C'mon guys, what's your problem?" Or at least that's what we assume he would've said, no doubt in an incomprehensible accent - the video unfortunately has no audio. Still, it's pretty brazen, no matter how many pints he may have consumed. See it here.

IN THE MEDIA

HACKENSACK – C’mon. Really?? That’s the reaction from the New York Post, slamming the corporate honcho at Gannett who is dismantling the Bergen Record’s newsroom and firing 213 employees. Richard Green apparently distributed a memo to staff the day before the Wednesday announcement, saying he looks forward to crashing some of the reporters’ barbeques in the weeks ahead, even promising to “bring the wine.” Writes the Post: “Green did not return calls Thursday to find out if he has gotten any invites. But our advice would be: Don’t stand too close to the fire.” 

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1993 that actress Michele Phillips (of “Knots Landing” fame) was robbed at gunpoint – prompting great relief from the show’s writers who ran out of ideas for original plot lines since 1985.

WORD OF THE DAY

Myrmidon [MER-muh-dahn] -  noun

Definition: A loyal follower

Example: As a myrmidon of Donald Trump, Chris Christie may consider doctoral studies at the prestigious Trump University.

WEATHER IN WORD

Wet