The Morning Briefing - October 16, 2015
The Morning Briefing will be on hiatus for many clandestine reasons, returning Monday, November 2.
EDISON – Legions of green Jell-O, rubber pizza and food fights have all passed by the eyes of Evelyn Kiss – likely New Jersey’s oldest lunch lady. The Home News Tribune reports she celebrated her 95th birthday yesterday with a marching band, cheerleaders and hugs at J.P. Stevens High School, where she has worked since the school opened in 1964. During the lunch periods yesterday, the “Queen of Sporks” was stationed in her typical spot, where she sat and greeted students – some of whom were reminded – yet again – to walk, not run.
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – When Gov. Chris Christie served as chair of the Republican Governor’s Association last year, he raked in an unbelievable $106 million, a record. So fundraising for his own Presidential campaign should be a snap, right? Well, no. The Record reports Christie raised just $4.2 million during the first three months of his campaign, and has already blown through two-thirds of it. So, that means there’s at least $1.4 million to push the campaign through the early primaries in February, or akin to what Donald Trump will spend on flip-flops. Expect some big-time Christie vendors - like the posh Park Avenue law firm that reaped millions to “investigate” Bridgegate – to get another call or two from the candidate.
LAWRENCE – Good to finally see some negative attention at a university other than Rutgers, as media are writing about the cross-country team at Rider University. The entire men’s team was suspended from a meet last month, after university police found all 28 of these runners buck naked on the school track at night, prepared for a memorable run. NJ.com reports the runners were not forced into it, but Rider still considers it “unacceptable” and “hazing.” Coaches likely appreciated the attempt for an extra practice.
JACKSON – Some cooler heads have prevailed at Six Flags Great Adventure, as the original plan to mow down a forest and install solar panels to “save the environment” has changed. The Asbury Park Press says the solar farm will “only” comprise 66 acres, as opposed to the original 90-acre plan that would have called for the destruction of 19,000 trees. But the revised plan still makes no sense. Our initial question remains: Why deforest land abutting the Pinelands when you can just construct a solar canopy in the park’s 100-acre parking lot?
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
ONLINE – Maybe we have reached the saturation point with emojis. A start-up company of self-proclaimed “hornballs” has released a set of five emojies depicting various vaginas, taking sexting to a whole new level, HuffPo reports. Company officials say the vaginas each have their own unique shape, size, color and haircut – just like real-life ones (we are told). New emojis are in the works; click here for the full gallery. Find the vagina that is right for you!
ON THE COUCH – What a huge victory for the couch potato. In our world where pharmaceuticals can solve everything, from high blood pressure to flaccidity, scientists are hard at work on an exercise pill that offers the same benefits as working out, CBS reports. Drug makers looked at human skeletal muscle biopsies from four untrained, healthy men after 10 minutes of exercise. They were able to find more than 1,000 different molecular changes in the muscles triggered by the intense physical activity. With the findings, scientists can design a drug that mimics the exercise. The only run you’ll ever need is to the fridge.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Ever hear about Roy Oliver Disney? No, we haven’t either. But he founded an itty-bitty company with his younger brother, Walt, on this day in 1923. By 1929, Walt owned all the shares of the company. We can obviously see where they derived the name “Goofy.”
WORD OF THE DAY
Nice – adjective, verb, and whatever the heck else.
Definition – “Nice” is the most overused, abused word in the English language, to the point where it means absolutely nothing.
Example: How was the ball game? “It was nice.” What’s Mark like? “He’s nice.” What do you think of this chicken wing? “It’s, um, nice.” Nice, ok? NICE.