The Morning Briefing - September 30, 2015
DOWN THE SHORE – When should we officially begin panicking about Hurricane Joaquin? Meteorologists are downright giddy over this storm, as they have had precious little to report over the very dry, quite lovely summer. Expect to hear how Joaquin is “barreling up” the coast, with 65 miles per hour winds. No clue where this storm will land, as it could blow out into the Atlantic Ocean. The storm track is “up in the air,” but that should not stop you from dropping $5,000 on a generator, batteries, flashlights and plywood. (This message brought to you by your friends at Home Depot.)
AVALON – Shut up them dang birds! That’s the message for an Avalon woman who has the full weight of municipal officials bearing down on her, in an effort to quiet her two squawking parrots. The bird lover told the Press of AC that she would put her two parrots, Edmund and Arthur, on her front porch because, apparently, people really like them. A judge told the woman this week that if she can keep the parrots quiet for at least 90 days, the noise complaint against her will be dismissed.
POPEWEEK – Likely the biggest blessing last week went to car manufacturer Fiat, as Pope Francis travelled all over in a simple, small black Fiat. The Record notes a couple of local dealers have been getting a slew of phone calls as many Americans are apparently interested in this car. The Fiat (ostensibly an acronym for “Fix It Again Tony”) doesn’t exactly fit the needs of the big American family and all our crap; it is certainly a questionable ride for the leader of the world’s Catholics. But the Fiat sales team is not complaining.
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – All you need are 3 bucks and a dream. If you fork over those three singles to the Presidential campaign of Gov. Chris Christie, you will be placed in a raffle to win a beer with the governor. Just imagine: Sitting in a photo-friendly place, throwing back a cold one in front of snapping cameras and having a frank and personal discussion with a smiling Christie about the many reasons he should be the leader of the free world. Side note: with campaign expenses tight at the moment, only 12-ounce domestic beers will be offered. No pints.
ORANGE – If you are a skilled laborer looking for work, look no further than the Orange Housing Authority. The agency has a big construction project in the works, as it continually expands the Walter G. Alexander complex. Today, the housing authority will be hosting a contractors’ workshop to recruit qualified local workers and see how they can get involved. This is a great effort to raise all ships.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
FORT MYERS, Fla. – It seems like a nightmare for even the best wedding planner. A couple – inspired by the movie “Wedding Crashers” – is encouraging everyone to crash their wedding on October 10. The story has now hit the news wires, as the entire world has been informed the wedding will occur at an outdoor shopping plaza. The Fort Meyers News-Press reports that 1,600 guests are expected, but the numbers could certainly swell as this gets quickly out of control. Interesting to see who ends up sitting next to Grandma Ethel.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was Ebola-mania one year ago today, when the first case hit the United States, in Dallas.
WORD OF THE DAY
Zwodder – noun
Definition: A drowsy and stupid state of mind
Example: “I am in a big, fat, lazy zwodder when I don’t get my third cup of morning coffee.”