The Morning Briefing - August 14, 2015
CLARK – With the latest Whole Foods supermarket opening in Clark, some new customers are getting a harsh lesson about what it costs to buy all the stuff they never heard of – like a $5.99 six-pack of asparagus water. Whole Foods is responding to customer complaints that its specialty items are a bit out-of-whack for average consumers by unveiling its “365” stores. These stores have cheaper products and get people into the Whole Foods pipeline who would otherwise run to Shop-Rite for a 10-pack of mac and cheese. It’ll probably take about two years for a 365 to open in New Jersey, the Record reports, giving Whole Foods competitors time to prepare. Expect some clever grocer to open a “366.”
CAPE MAY – Nothing says Papal visit better than beer, right? That’s what a Cape May brewery thought, scoring easy headlines when it announced it would brew a specialty suds for Pope Francis when he arrives in Philly next month. Let’s plug the Cape May Brewing Co. some more by saying it plans to brew 500 gallons of YOPO, or "You Only Pope Once." Apparently, this draft will pair well with a nice cut of Argentinean beef — a nod to the Pontiff’s home country. Get your mug at watering holes in southern Jersey starting Sept. 21 and available, we figure, until all the kegs run dry.
ASBURY PARK – President Warren G. Harding is making news in New Jersey this morning, with reports confirming he fathered an illegitimate child with a mistress from Asbury Park. Ancestry.com has a DNA testing division that says the 29th President had a daughter with long-rumored mistress Nan Britton, who published her tell-all account in a 1927 book called “The President’s Daughter.” Harding supporters – like those of the humorless Ohio Gang – called her a crazy liar and other choice names. But DNA from Britton’s grandson shows a 99.9 percent certainty that Harding may have some explaining to do. Sometimes, folks, it is good to be dead.
PATERSON – A local guy who began rapping two years ago has found himself on the top of the Billboard charts – without ever releasing a debut album. He goes by the name of “Fetty Wap,” and he is in the Top 10 with two songs – one of which he performed at a Taylor Swift concert, called “Trap Queen.” Yeah, that’s all we have. Ask your kids for more information.
ATLANTIC CITY – Some nice cross promotion among gambling gurus this morning, as motorists got a free eastbound ride on the Atlantic City Expressway beginning at 9 a.m., for an hour. It’s part of an effort by state lottery officials to promote its new FastPlay game, coming to a convenience store near you by Aug. 2. And any promotion that gets more gamblers into a casino is a good thing, uh, right?
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
CHARLTON, MA. — “Are other drug dealers sneaking on your turf? We can help!” That's what cops in this central Massachusetts town of 12,000 – wedged against bigger, grittier Worcester – are saying on Facebook, urging local drug dealers to rat on the competitors. Charlton police initially created an easy fill-in-the-blank Facebook form as tongue-in-cheek entertainment, but now tell the Worcester Telegram & Gazette they've gotten a few real tips. Charlton cops got the idea from a Kentucky sheriff's department, who swiped it off a Georgia sheriff's Facebook page. Who knows? This may start of a whole new trend in law enforcement.
CHAMBERSBURG, Pa. – “You're money is no good.” That's what a local handyman, annoyed over a $25 parking ticket, was told when he tried to get revenge by paying his fine with 2,500 pennies. Violation clerks turned him away, citing an actual federal law: Code 31 U.S. Code annotated, Sections 317 and 460, which says “pennies and nickels are not legal tender for debts over 25-cents.” The town's finance director told the local paper, the Chambersburg Public Opinion, clerks would have gladly accepted dimes or quarters. Something to remember when you go to pay your property taxes pushing a wheelbarrow of loose change.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Denver shows its universal love for baseball on this day in 1990, adopting a 1 percent sales tax to pay for a Major League baseball franchise.
WORD OF THE DAY
valetudinarian – noun
Definition: a sickly person who is morbidly consumed about his heath.
Example: Mel is such a valetudinarian. He’s like the valedictorian of hypochondriacs.”