The Morning Briefing - July 14, 2015
TRENTON - State officials are "acting now" to slap fines on the "As Seen on TV" company for its high-pressure tactics to sell such useless stuff as pet nail trimmers, battery-operated light bulbs and something called a "pocket hose." The Fairfield-based company has been hit with a $1 fine, plus $549,999 in shipping and handling. But wait, there is more! The company also has to hire a consumer affairs liaison. But, to comply with the order, the company needs to call the special hotline within the next 12 minutes. Operators are standing by.
HACKETTSTOWN - It was a 28-mile ride one cat won't soon forget. Earlier this month, the cat crawled into the engine of a pick-up truck, which then travelled from East Stroudsburg to the Mars Chocolate plant in Hackettstown. Employees began hearing "meow meow" and figured they should call the cops about the scaredy-cat. The local DPW got him out; he is now named "Mars" and was adopted by a Kunkletown, Pa. family. NJ.com reports that Mars actually got to ride inside the car for the trip to Kunkletown. (Editor's Note: Best town name EVER)
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL - We're not going to dwell on the latest GOP polls, as everyone knows how Gov. Chris Christie is faring in his second job. Yet the cold hard facts will not deter the ever-optimistic fundraising team, as NJ.com reports it will cost supporters $2,700 apiece to take a photo with the governor at the Asbury Convention Center on Aug. 4. Sure, you only need to pay $250 to get in the door, but the fundraising team does not take kindly to photo bombers. You've been warned.
NEW BRUNSWICK - If you live, work or travel in New Jersey and have not yet become a rabid Rutgers Scarlet Knights fan by now, well, shame on you. Coming off Carli Lloyd's glorious three-goal performance to win the women's World Cup in soccer, former Scarlet Knight baseball great Todd Frazier won the Home Run Derby last night as part of All Star festivities. What could be next???
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
PORTLAND - Consider it the case of the mysterious swinging dildos. Cops are trying to figure who keeps hanging hundreds of white and bright orange dildos from the power lines, Reuters reports. The "Portland Office of Neighborhood Involvement" reports the dildos are strung up in pairs for maximum swinging possibilities. No worries from the electric company, reporting that ribbed rubber products do not pose a fire hazard when faced with consistent friction (based on extensive testing).
IN THE MEDIA
As the "Trump for President" campaign somehow gains steam, a glorious 1980s comic strip is thankfully returning to mock every bit of it. "Bloom County" began appearing on Facebook on Monday, after a 25-year hiatus. This was the comic strip that made Trump a favorite target. The creator, Berkeley Breathed, once suggested that Trump be strung up by his intestines because of how he treated the poor. He also told a story about how Trump arrived in Bloom County and fired everyone. Now, if we can just get back "Calvin & Hobbes" and "The Far Side" - and finally fire the drunkard Andy Capp - people would have a good reason to buy a newspaper.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It is on this day (at 7:49 a.m. actually) that a NASA spacecraft was expected to confront Pluto for the first time. But that is not really history, and you are demanding astronomy, so, ok...
It was this day in 2011 that Neptune completed its first orbit of the sun since the planet was discovered in 1846. "About friggin' time," mutters Uranus.
WORD OF THE DAY
Shebeen - noun
Definition: An unlicensed bar, often a ramshackle shack where patrons enjoy homemade moonshine or some other drink of unknown whereabouts or content.
Example: "At Rutgers, I loved going to that shebeen on Somerset Street until the New Brunswick cops discovered the half-blind, illiterate bouncer who was letting in 14 year olds. It was sure fun being a shebeener - while it lasted."