The Morning Briefing - May 7, 2015
AT THE PUMP – It looks like New Jersey could soon be the only place in America where you can’t pump your own gas. Oregon appears to finally be caving on this odd law, where the Legislature is now prepared to allow people to self-serve in rural areas, where 24-hour gas stations are hundreds of miles apart. The law says that self-serve will be allowed where there is no owner, operator or employee in counties with fewer than 40,000 people - the first obvious step to the end of full-serve in Oregon.
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – With very little in the way of “progress” and “achievement” in his second term as governor, Chris Christie is back up in New Hampshire today and tomorrow, as he continues his slog as an unannounced, ill-suited Presidential candidate. Sigh. With polls showing he is a non-factor in the Republican primary, and New Jersey begging for a full-time governor who can focus on our chronic problems, isn’t it finally time for Christie to focus on his legacy? He is a lame-duck governor who has no problem rattling chains. If he thinks he can still make a difference in New Jersey, he should focus on what made him a real contender before Bridgegate. And, then, there’s always 2020, when he can run on a track record.
SHIP BOTTOM – No doubt that many are eagerly welcoming the long-awaited beach replenishment program on LBI, as the Army Corps begins the $128 million project today on a 13-mile stretch. Sure, this is good news, as these beaches were hit hard after Sandy. But it seems the Army Corps is always waiting until summer to do these massive, messy projects. Why can’t they be scheduled the day after Labor Day, when you don’t have to shoo away little Johnny with his yellow pail and shovel?
ATLANTIC CITY – Stockton University is ready to spend up to $350,000 investigating itself, trying to figure out how and why the school zipped through the $18 million purchase of the Showboat casino – even when Trump Entertainment said it would block the sale to any operation other than a casino. The Record reports college trustees have now hired Gibbons, a Newark law firm, to launch “a comprehensive investigation” to figure out who pulled the trigger on this mess. “Suspect Number One” must be former President Herman Saatkamp, who resigned after this deal fell apart, citing “health reasons,” and is now reported hiding under a darkened blackjack table.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BALTIMORE – An off-duty cop is being charged with assault, after chomping down on a man’s testicles during a bar fight. Reuters reports the intoxicated cop was hitting on the man’s roommate at the bar. The victim told the cop to stop, prompting this king of law enforcement to wait around and then attack the guy when he left the bar. Reuters reports the man pinned the drunken cop to the ground, straddling him around the neck. You can guess what happened next, as the cop tried to break free. He is now charged with assault on testicles. Two counts.
WINCHESTER, Va. – One former lab worker will get probation, after smearing contaminated feces on her co-worker's computer mouse and desk chair, The Winchester Star reports. The lab worker took some contaminated poop testing positive for causing diarrhea and stomach pain and decided to give her co-worker a little gift. She managed to avoid jail time, but it seems that some courses in anger management may be appropriate. Meanwhile, her LinkedIn bio should be an interesting read.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was one year ago that Vladimir Putin became the alleged savior of Russian language and culture by banning profanity in creative works, slapping foul-mouthed artists with fines ranging from $70 to $1,400. Such a law is destined to become a cash windfall for the Kremlin.
WORD OF THE DAY
Hobbledehoy – noun
Definition: An awkward or ill-mannered young boy
Example: “When that Russian hobbledehoy scrawled the word, “khuy,” it cost his mom 3,600 rubles. Damn that Putin!”