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The Morning Briefing - April 30, 2015

HACKENSACK – When it comes to hiring an attorney, you want a real fighter, right? Well, you may want to consider retaining one of the two lawyers who got in a fistfight yesterday while taking depositions at the Bergen County Courthouse. The Record said it began with an argument, and then fists were flying. One lawyer was bloodied, both were charged with simple assault, and expect plenty of lawsuits in the days ahead.

BERKELEY TOWNSHIP — A New Jersey high school student is yelling “Ay, caramba!,” after getting caught pouring a few drops of saline solution into his Spanish teacher’s iced coffee on Tuesday.  When the teacher returned to her desk at Central Regional High School, she drank the coffee, complained her stomach hurt and went to the hospital, the Asbury Park Press reports. A witness evidently spilled the beans; the culprit is now charged with aggravated assault in juvenile court. And he should expect a lousy grade in Spanish.

TRENTON – The Senate Budget Committee will be taking a bite out of Stockton University’s acting president today, following the school’s reckless rush to buy the Showboat casino for $18.9 million – even though Trump kept saying the property could only be used as a casino, by deed, and would block the opening of a proposed “Island Campus.” Dr. Harvey Kesselman – the university official stuck holding this bag with the sudden resignation of the university president for “health reasons” – expects everything to be sorted out, as Stockton unloads the Showboat in the next couple of months to a casino operator for $26 million. Meanwhile, the university is spending $400,000 a month to carry the place.

Some questions the Senate Budget Committee should ask:

1. Showboat was owned by Caesars Entertainment, which announced its bankruptcy before the sale to Stockton. Why the rush to buy the place from such an eager seller?

2. Why did former Stockton President Herman Saatkamp, the mastermind behind this deal before fleeing the university, reportedly refuse to respond to phone calls from Trump officials, telling him not to buy the property?

3. Where was the pressure for Stockton University to buy the Showboat? There are other shuttered casinos. Why pursue this one, with its well-established deed restriction?

NEW BRUNSWICK – Rutgers University students are taking a crash course in “inter-personal communication,” with the Internet still down in many campus buildings and students forced to have actual, real-life, face-to-face conversations. The FBI is investigating this “denial of service” attack that ran through the university’s computer systems Monday morning, with the IT Department working around the clock to figure this all out. These guys expect to have an update today. If that “update” comes in the form of a fax, assume the problem won’t be fixed in time for finals.

LYNDHURST – Unclear what would prompt a local man to call in bomb threats at local supermarkets. A “desperate cry for attention” may be the reason some shrink tells the court, as he is facing charges for calling ShopRite and Stop & Shop on six occasions, saying a bomb would explode in 10 minutes, the Record reports. The buildings needed to be evacuated each time, with full police/fire/EMT response. The suspect is offering cops no reason for his actions. Meanwhile, expect ShopRite to make him ineligible for the next “Can Can” sale.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

AURORA, Colo. – In a story sure to infuriate any parent who thinks the public schools meddle in child rearing, a local 4-year-old was banned from eating the Oreos her mom packed as a snack. Instead, the school gave the kid some “healthy option,” like a fruit or vegetable, while sending the Oreos home with a note, reports KMGH-TV. In its defense, the Aurora Public Schools says it now has a policy that parents must pack a nutritious lunch that includes a fruit, vegetable and healthy snack. The bad mommy argues she also included a sandwich and cheese that somehow made it past the Nutrition Nazis, and is questioning if schools are taking things a wee bit overboard.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1997 that 42 million viewers tuned in so “Ellen” can announce she is gay, reinforcing the fact that 42 million people will watch anything.

WORD OF THE DAY

Gobemouche – noun

Definition: A highly gullible person

Example: 

Rocco:  “Hey boss, we gonna whack ‘dis guy or what?”

Fat Tony: “He’s a gobermoche. And it’s a nice day for a swim. Know what I’m sayin?”