The Morning Briefing - March 24, 2015
RIDGEWOOD – One dog is likely done exercising, after he got caught in the family’s treadmill. Firefighters and police descended on a North Murray Avenue home over the weekend, the Record reports, working to free the dog’s back paw wedged in the rear roller. Before calling for help, the dog’s owner tried to free the paw. But Rover wanted none of it, biting his owner, who perhaps had suggested the pooch use the treadmill, as opposed to taking him for walks.
NEW BRUNSWICK – “Hey, buddy, can I borrow a court settlement?” Not likely, but feel free to beg again in New Brunswick, after the city settled a lawsuit with a homeless man and the ACLU. NJ.com reports the city will once again allow panhandling, pay the guy’s attorney’s fees and donate $4,500 to Elijah’s Promise, the local, highly-regarded soup kitchen. Cops had cited the man for holding a sign that read “Broke/Please Help/Thank You/God Bless You,” saying New Brunswick requires a permit for people seeking donations and, by the way, begging is banned within the city limits. This was a ready-made case for the ACLU, which swooped in with a pro-bono lawyer.
TRENTON – Sometimes it seems like New Jersey already has too many bills, with the 120 members of the state Legislature wracking their brains to find new things to legislate. But then you hear about how lawmakers had to craft a bill that would allow service animals to help kids with disabilities ride on the school bus. Apparently, a new law was required, which Gov. Chris Christie signed yesterday, as service animals had previously only been allowed in classrooms and on school grounds.
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Even though the wacky right of the Republican Party has officially entered the Presidential race, Gov. Chris Christie is not feeling the pressure to jump in. The governor told 101.5 last night he is in no rush to plunge, after Sen. Ted Cruz, a Canadian-born crackpot, announced what will become a feckless, short-lived candidacy, as he tries to abolish the IRS. Christie says he is still officially mulling the decision with his family – plagued by the same year-in, year-out hand-wringing over dinner. The governor now thinks his decision could finally arrive by early summer, as he watches the polls and prays Jeb Bush barfs on a Japanese prime minister.
In honor of his three minutes of fame as an announced candidate, our three favorite Cruz quotes in no specific order:
1. “I will renounce any Canadian citizenship. Nothing against Canada, but I’m an American by birth and as a US senator I believe I should be only an American.” – Dallas Morning News
2. “In my life, I have never once seen an Hispanic panhandler. In our community, it would be viewed as shameful to be out on the street begging.” – Fox News
3. “The problem with climate change is there's never been a day in the history of the world in which the climate is not changing.” – CNN
THE BRACKETS – Tough losses for both the Princeton and Rutgers women’s basketball teams, as they crashed yesterday in the NCAA tournament. But they are both premier college teams, worthy of praise. C. Vivian Stringer, the Rutgers coach, is likely taking the loss particularly hard; she would have reaped a $500,000 bonus for winning the game and moving on to the regional semifinals. Hopefully, the university uses the savings to design a new Rutgers Athletic Center to replace what looks like a 1970s-era toaster.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
BATON ROUGE, LA – There must be an orange juice shortage in Louisiana. It seems the only plausible reason why a fight would break out between a father and son, both thirsting the oh-so-sweet nectar not readily available in the home. The 18-year-old son smashed a porcelain vase in disgust, prompting dad to grab a handgun and chase the teen out the front door. SuperDad fired some shots at his son, with one bullet landing square in the buttocks. The son is now resting comfortably in the hospital, likely slurping on orange juice. Dad is in jail on $60,000 bail, also likely slurping on orange juice.
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – Beheadings are certainly cruel, so are stonings, hangings, electrocutions, and a Jersey favorite – cement shoes. But there’s one type of execution that is perfectly fine in Utah: the firing squad. Utah is now the only state that allows firing squads, after Gov. Gary Herbert signed a law yesterday approving the practice when no lethal injection drugs are readily available. The governor admits the firing squad can be a tad bit “gruesome,” but, hey, there needs to be a reliable back up to lethal injection when the prison pharmacist leaves early.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2012 that China decided to end the practice of extracting and selling the organs of executed prisoners. Something just didn’t seem right.
WORD OF THE DAY
Collywobbles – noun
Definition: Butterflies in the stomach.
Example: “Wait! You say I’m going to die by firing squad?? Finally an end to all these damn collywobbles!”