UP IN THE AIR – In our latest installment of "Nut Jobs on Airplanes," we bring you the story of a flight from Hong Kong to Newark. Nine hours into a painfully long 16-hour flight, WCBS 880 reports, a passenger starts an anti-government rant, recorded on a cell phone. He screams, "Your life is in jeopardy! Your life is in jeopardy if you work for the NSA, you work for the CIA, you work for the National Reconnaissance Office, your life is in jeopardy!" Meanwhile, other passengers yelled, "16 hours and just one lousy a bag of peanuts??" (Editor's Note: The previous sentence may or may not have happened.)

IN YOUR BACKYARD – Road Runners beware: Coyotes have been spotted in Monmouth County. Local officials are warning residents not to feed coyotes, or leave food outside for the neighborhood cats. Bird feeders should also be emptied (Sorry, Tweety), as you don't want your home as a top destination point for a free coyote lunch.

RIDGEWOOD – Village officials have a problem: They have a pool dating back to the 1920s – some 70 years before handicap accessibility was required. The solution, the Record reports, may be a water-based wheelchair that can be used with a 40-foot concrete ramp. Couple of issues, though: Residents say the ramp is an eyesore. We question the wheelchair – in which people are strapped in and can't swim freely. Nothing screams fun like being singled out, sitting awkwardly while others splash and frolic around you. Perhaps these people can also hold a sign that that says, "Hi, I am disabled."

TRENTON – Public employees in New Jersey are bracing for the next round of rulings from the Christie Administration, which has continually sought savings from the government payroll. The Philly Ink reports the promotion process is being "streamlined" in an effort to advance smart people, while leaving sleepy cubicle bureaucrats where they can do the least damage. But union officials see it differently, of course, claiming the new system rewards favoritism and those who play the political game – just like in the real world.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

ON THE ROAD – Thrifty Car Rental is living up to its name, declining to redeem the free one-day rentals it sent its customers. Apparently, the offer was only for certain special "Blue Chip" customers, the company says, and apologized for emailing all that riff-raff to people who rented a car at one time or another. The offer, by the way, was not exactly exploding with generosity, offering a measly one free day for 16 days of paid rentals. Is the bad PR really worth it, rather than just sucking it up for a small amount of loyal customers seeking to redeem the offer?

AT REST? – When you spend years working in government, you expect a certain degree of ineptitude. And perhaps that is why late NYC Mayor Ed Koch focused on the details of his tombstone, laying out precise instructions for the design and inscription over eight months and even personally inspecting the final product. But, reports The New York Times, Koch would need to leave one line blank: the dates of birth to death. And, of course, that was the line ultimately screwed up, with the engraver etched 1942, rather than 1924, on the tombstone. Somewhere in the heavens you can hear that deep, frustrated sigh.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Dare we say this marks the anniversary of one of the greatest comedies ever made? It was this day in 1980 that the "Blues Brothers" with Dan Akroyd and John Belushi hit theaters.

HADDON TOWNSHIP – Thirty-nine years of service to the Haddon schools has come to a sudden end for the school's athletic director – caught putting dog poop on his ex-wife's car. The message, according to court papers was "you're a piece of crap." The Courier Post said he made his now-famous delivery on school grounds last year, prompting school officials to push him out. But state Education Commissioner Chris Cerf stepped in, saying he can keep his job. No thanks, says the athletic director; perhaps he doesn't want to be the butt of poo jokes.

TRENTON – Scrappy Democrats will be pushing a couple of bills today headed nowhere. It's all about the U.S. Senate seat left vacant by the late Frank Lautenberg. Democrats in the State Senate think the governor should fill a vacant seat with someone from the same party (aka Democrat). The other bill would push the general election this year to Oct. 16 – the same day as the special Senate election, thus saving us all $12 million. Neither bills benefit Christie, and will be promptly tossed. But, hey, message sent.

UNDERWATER – As promised, FEMA has unveiled its "new and improved" flood maps and has made it extra convenient for people to find out if their world is about to be turned upside down. Simply click here and plug in your address. If you note your home has now been placed in the "V/VE" zone, expect a call from your local, friendly flood insurance agent about a "premium adjustment."

TRENTON – If you aren't a U.S. citizen and are living here illegally, should you get in-state tuition at a state college? A liberal-leaning bill says "yes," and would go into effect in time for fall. The Assembly Budget Committee holds a hearing today on the proposal, which requires students to have attended a New Jersey high school for three years and to seek legal status as soon as they're eligible. Here's the practical thinking: Yeah, they are illegal, but they are here. If they don't go to college and get legal status, they are still here. And they won't make a lot of money – causing a whole bunch of subsidies from the rest of us.

TRENTON – Gov. Chris Christie hates poor women. Or at least that is what seven females – who also happen to be Democratic lawmakers – could be implying, as they push the Governor to restore $7.5 million in funds he slashed from women's health care. The money was cut from clinics that do family planning (not abortions) and cancer screenings; most patients are low-income women. This bill also gets dropped today on the Assembly Budget Committee; Christie has rejected two prior attempts to get the money into the next budget, beginning July 1.

DOWN THE SHORE - Mold is about as welcome as a week-long shorehouse guest. Just mix water, oxygen and some organic materials and - boom - your home is toxic and smells like a wet foot. The state Department of Health is spreading the word about the harms of mold, distributing more than 10,000 copies of a brochure detailing how to deal with it all. Read it here.

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CONEY ISLAND – You want to create an Applebee's restaurant like no other. So you go with a nautical theme. You buy this 5,000-gallon aquarium and dump thousands of dollars into buying the biggest and coolest fish. Awesome, right? Not if you know little about caring for ocean fish. Applebee's customers at the grand opening looked on with horror as a shark went wild in the tank, gobbling three Lookdown fish. It got worse, the Daily News reports, as a $4,000 Whitetip shark died after colliding with the "Wonder Wheel" replica in the tank – all embarrassingly captured on film for an episode of the reality show "Tanked" on Animal Planet. The restaurant owner admits the fish were a bit startled after being pulled from the ocean and used as decor at a theme restaurant.

EASTON, PA. – The guy known as "Nazi Dad" has found another way to get attention. Fresh off a Flemington court appearance in an ongoing custody battle for his four children, he decides to propose to his Nazi girlfriend – let's assume her name is Helga – in front of the media in Easton. The NY Post shows video of this mutual display of love and hate. This Hitler aficionado knows how to play a media: Promise to wear a swastika and the cameras will go anywhere.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

"Sally, put down that Bible!" may have been yelled in a classroom this day in 1963, when the Supreme Court ruled against Bible reading and prayer in schools. The phrase, "Heathens on the bench!" was also likely yelled.

DOWN THE SHORE – Monday is the day that antsy shore homeowners have been waiting for; they will finally be given some direction as to whether they should rebuild or move on. FEMA is finally releasing updated flood maps for Atlantic, Ocean, Monmouth and Hudson counties. This is a big deal; people stuck in the high-risk "velocity zone" will either have to lift their homes or pay huge insurance premiums. No big deal for Muffy's shore mansion, but this spells disaster for the little guy who earns barely enough not to qualify for federal aid. Expect plenty of yelling.

POINT PLEASANT BEACH – It seems that state tourism folks – dumping $25 million into a glitzy campaign to promote the Jersey Shore – haven't been sending their marketing memos to the state Department of Health. If so, then perhaps state health officials wouldn't be at the Stop & Shop parking lot in Point Pleasant Beach today, handing out masks, gloves, hand sanitizers and information on mold remediation and West Nile virus. Seems contradictory to Gov. Chris Christie's declaration, "The Jersey shore is back."

ASBURY PARK – When you have just a few hundred people deciding on elections to City Council, expect controversy. Asbury Park's election results are a mess, with the candidates disputing mail-in votes and considering challenges in court. The Asbury Park Press reports a mere 200-vote difference between the biggest winner and the biggest loser, with John Moor expected to be named mayor on July 1 by clinching just 723 votes. That's out of 8,000 votes cast for a field of 22 candidates.

PATERSON – City Council members are displaying shock and awe that Paterson taxpayers have shelled out $465,000 in legal fees, to date, for former Councilman Aslon Goow. The Record reports he is suing the city police in federal court, claiming his civil rights were violated in some political ploy. While Goow has filed an appeal – prompting yet another round of legal bills for John Q. Public – the glaring concern is the City Council's ignorance of this; it is not afforded copies of the bills. "Wow," Councilman Kenneth McDaniel told the Record. "That's a considerable amount of legal fees." Why, yes. Yes it is.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – We all know Gov. Chris Christie can play the public like a well-tuned harp, but is he ready to go up against the master? We learn if Christie is prime time material today, when he appears on stage with President Bill Clinton at the Clinton Global Initiative. This is a not-to-miss event: Clinton would like nothing better than to make Christie look buffoonish, as Hillary, a potential 2016 contender, looks on with that post-Monica frown.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

CHAPPAQUA, NY – You would think a sleepy used book sale in the sleepy town of Chappaqua, N.Y. would be, well, sleepy. But the New York news crews were rushing in yesterday to capture all the drama after a single bed bug was found hanging around the sale. We'd like to say bedlam erupted. Instead, there was widespread concern, CBS reports, as people may have taken home a book with a bonus bed bug. The result: On Saturday, the Chappaqua Library will be hosting a free bed bug treatment of any book purchased – the cost we assume would easily wipe out profits on a 50-cent Jane Austin paperback.

NEW YORK – So, we all know Al Gore invented the Internet, right? Right?? Now, mayor hopeful Anthony Weiner is quoted as saying he created the controversial term "ObamaCare." When pressed further, the nascent Weiner campaign clarified to The New York Times, saying Weiner was not the one to coin the magical term, he is just the first one to embrace it unapologetically. We're sure the Obama Administration is glad to have Weiner out in front on its hallmark health care reform law.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1942 that Walt Disney releases his classic animated film, "Bambi." It would be the beginning of the end for parents, who for generations would be resigned to sitting in movie theaters, watching the latest animated remake of the Disney empire amidst sugar-infused children.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Perhaps we can just save the cost on all these primary and special elections and just send Cory Booker to Washington now. He is the clear leader in three separate polls; and everyone assumes he was the heir apparent to replace the late Sen. Frank Lautenberg in 2014. Monmouth University just released its poll, saying Booker would get three-fifths of the votes in the Democratic primary against two well-known Congress members. Again, can't we all just save the millions of dollars and focus attention elsewhere? Democracy can be such a downer.

TRENTON – The whole idea behind "conversion therapy" is that it is "wrong" to be gay. And the so-called "conversion therapists" are descending on gay teens – a certainly fragile bunch – to inform them their feelings are "wrong" and they need to be rewired. Last year, four gay men sued therapists, saying they were stripped naked and attacked effigies of their mothers with bats. Ouch. State lawmakers are considering a bill to ban these therapists from tinkering with gay minors. An Assembly committee is looking at the bill today; the State Senate also needs to weigh in.

ON THE AIRWAVES – And speaking of weighing in...Gov. Chris Christie was the surprise guest on Jimmy Fallon last night, defending his decision to hold a special election for Senator. It's a bit hard to describe this skit. We cringed; it was filled with double entendre, jokes on weight and some slow groove sexual music that should not be in the same room as our Governor. But it was some more great Christie propaganda to defend a self-serving decision.

TRENTON – Should ex-cons tell prospective employers they served time in the clink? The State Senate is hearing a bill today that calls for "banning the box" on job applications. There is no doubt employers discriminate against people convicted for offenses that required actual jail time, like breaking into peoples' homes, stealing cars, selling drugs and beating the daylight out of others. This proposed law would still require employers to say they were jailbirds – but after the job offer. Think about it: If someone offers work, are you really going to say, "Great. Thanks. And, uh, by the way, I spent 10 years at Rahway because this guy just wouldn't listen."

LITTLE EGG HARBOR – Want media coverage? Then get video. There's no better example than the run-in this Sunday between fishermen and a great white shark, who circled their boat for about 10 minutes. The shark sort of just hung around, circling a bit, looking for a seal or two to eat. If the fishermen had just told reporters about it, the response would have been, "Yeah. Ok." But one of the guys shot video from his phone, prompting news coverage from most of the major news outlets in Philly and New York. See the video here.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

NEW YORK – Mike Bloomberg has this utopian view of NYC – a place brimming with healthy, thin, good-looking people, riding bicycles on streets free of cars. People sit out on the streets, sipping decaf coffee and reading Bloomberg media. No one smokes; a few consume light beers responsibly. It is a magical green world, where all recycled materials are continually used throughout the year, and landfills are the thing of a dark, dark past.

Meanwhile, that damn real world keeps crashing in, with owners of restaurants holding a rally yesterday at City Hall, bashing the mayor for his proposed ban on plastic foam cups and food containers. Speakers claim the ban will eliminate 1,500 jobs in the polystyrene industry. Bloomberg doesn't give a hoot, saying that stuff won't disintegrate until he is reincarnated in the year 2450 and easily wins another term as mayor.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1990 that Marion Barry announced he will not seek a fourth term as mayor of Washington D.C., saying he wanted to devote more time to his family, friends and growing crack habit. He made international news that January by getting caught in a bust, and famously saying, "Bitch set me up!"

TOMS RIVER – Mayor Thomas Kelaher is walking delicately around town these days, after telling Bloomberg News that all those people in storm-ravaged Ortley Beach without homes were "annoying." That prompted NBC News to be at the council meeting last night, where Kelaher was apologizing up and down, saying he never intended to be disrespectful. Or, perhaps, he never meant to vocalize what he was thinking.

ROXBURY – Residents who live 300 yards from the Fenimore landfill are telling ABC that it absolutely stinks, with the smell of rotten eggs making it impossible for dad to barbeque or the kids to play outside. Some parents are concerned children are getting sick. We empathize, but who buys a house in the suburbs just 300 yards from a 35-year-old landfill?

WILDWOOD – Town council is set to pass a provision, aka the "sagging pants law," that bans anyone walking on the boardwalk with their derrieres exposed. Pants can't sag more than three inches below the hip – so others don't have to see the selected underwear of the day or – even worse – buttcracks. (And we never thought we would ever get the word "buttcrack" in the Morning Briefing.)

MORRISTOWN – You would think after landing a three-year deal with the Jets worth $6.9 million, life off the field would be about which Ferrari to buy and which girl to easily woo. So, as Mike Goodson heads to court today for having a gun and marijuana on Interstate 80, one must wonder what he was thinking. Once the well-paid lawyers get this running back off this rap, life needs to refocus on two things: making wise financial investments and making Mark Sanchez look less hapless.

ON THE RAILS – As NJ Transit chugs into the 21st century, its board is considering a 20-year deal with Cablevision to provide wireless Internet service at all train stations and trains within three years. A wise move; it seems everyone on trains are either glued to a laptop, smartphone or iPad. We hear it will be a free service; just hope you don't need to be a Cablevision subscriber to enjoy the perk. We lean toward FiOS.

NEW BRUNSWICK – Gov. Chris Christie has nothing nice to say about Rutgers-Eagleton polls, but the latest finding may change his mind. It reports 85 percent of those polled – and we are talking Republicans, Democrats and Independents – approve of his post-Sandy work. But that same poll shows only 41 percent of those polled think he is doing a good job on the economic side. So, let's assume the Governor is calling that result dead wrong.

JERSEY CITY – Mayor-elect Steve Fulop has completed his dismantling of the Jersey City political machine, dominating the runoff elections yesterday and earning a 7-2 majority on the City Council when he takes office July 1. Now he'll have allies on the council as he executes an extensive reform agenda.

STATEWIDE – State officials say they are waiting payment on $246 million in unpaid traffic tickets and local fines, but don't know how to get the cash from scofflaws who seem perfectly content to ignore their mail, filled with written warnings. The Asbury Park Press reports about $113 million of the wayward cash would go to the local towns. But less than 10 percent of towns bother to use state-approved collection agencies, which can then hound people on an hourly basis until they are begging to write checks.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 2012 that scientists deemed climate change a key factor for the demise of the wooly mammoth some 4,000 years ago. Early Republicans – known at the time as "conservative cavemen" – were quoted on cave walls saying this climate change nonsense is all about the liberal cavemen agenda and its scheme for raised taxes on berries and twigs.

TOMS RIVER – Mayor Thomas Kelaher is walking delicately around town these days, after telling Bloomberg News that all those people in storm-ravaged Ortley Beach without homes were "annoying." That prompted NBC News to be at the council meeting last night, where Kelaher was apologizing up and down, saying he never intended to be disrespectful. Or, perhaps, he never meant to vocalize what he was thinking.

ROXBURY – Residents who live 300 yards from the Fenimore landfill are telling ABC that it absolutely stinks, with the smell of rotten eggs making it impossible for dad to barbeque or the kids to play outside. Some parents are concerned children are getting sick. We empathize, but who buys a house in the suburbs just 300 yards from a 35-year-old landfill?

WILDWOOD – Town council is set to pass a provision, aka the "sagging pants law," that bans anyone walking on the boardwalk with their derrieres exposed. Pants can't sag more than three inches below the hip – so others don't have to see the selected underwear of the day or – even worse – buttcracks. (And we never thought we would ever get the word "buttcrack" in the Morning Briefing.)

MORRISTOWN – You would think after landing a three-year deal with the Jets worth $6.9 million, life off the field would be about which Ferrari to buy and which girl to easily woo. So, as Mike Goodson heads to court today for having a gun and marijuana on Interstate 80, one must wonder what he was thinking. Once the well-paid lawyers get this running back off this rap, life needs to refocus on two things: making wise financial investments and making Mark Sanchez look less hapless.

ON THE RAILS – As NJ Transit chugs into the 21st century, its board is considering a 20-year deal with Cablevision to provide wireless Internet service at all train stations and trains within three years. A wise move; it seems everyone on trains are either glued to a laptop, smartphone or iPad. We hear it will be a free service; just hope you don't need to be a Cablevision subscriber to enjoy the perk. We lean toward FiOS.

NEW BRUNSWICK – Gov. Chris Christie has nothing nice to say about Rutgers-Eagleton polls, but the latest finding may change his mind. It reports 85 percent of those polled – and we are talking Republicans, Democrats and Independents – approve of his post-Sandy work. But that same poll shows only 41 percent of those polled think he is doing a good job on the economic side. So, let's assume the Governor is calling that result dead wrong.

JERSEY CITY – Mayor-elect Steve Fulop has completed his dismantling of the Jersey City political machine, dominating the runoff elections yesterday and earning a 7-2 majority on the City Council when he takes office July 1. Now he'll have allies on the council as he executes an extensive reform agenda.

STATEWIDE – State officials say they are waiting payment on $246 million in unpaid traffic tickets and local fines, but don't know how to get the cash from scofflaws who seem perfectly content to ignore their mail, filled with written warnings. The Asbury Park Press reports about $113 million of the wayward cash would go to the local towns. But less than 10 percent of towns bother to use state-approved collection agencies, which can then hound people on an hourly basis until they are begging to write checks.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 2012 that scientists deemed climate change a key factor for the demise of the wooly mammoth some 4,000 years ago. Early Republicans – known at the time as "conservative cavemen" – were quoted on cave walls saying this climate change nonsense is all about the liberal cavemen agenda and its scheme for raised taxes on berries and twigs.

TRENTON – Expect Gov. Chris Christie to have some crafty words today, responding to a lawsuit that demands his special election for U.S. Senate be held with the general election in November. Christie has until 2 p.m. for a legal response, explaining why taxpayers need to shell out $12 million for an extra election 20 days before the general election that keeps popular Democratic candidates away from "his" re-election for Governor. Christie says he wants voters to have the earliest chance possible to have a Senator. All else say this is about the Governor trying to win a landslide to pad his resume for the White House. The party doesn't want a Democrat-winning Senate race to muck up the plans. We say: If Christie wants to pass the hat among his GOP donors to pay the $12 million, sure, have an extra election.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – In what we thought was a "Blue" state, Democrats continue to line up in support of Christie's re-election. Today, the Governor heads to McLoone's Boathouse in West Orange to accept the coveted endorsement of Essex County Executive Joe DiVincenzo – the 16th elected Democrat to endorse his re-election bid. It must be getting a bit awkward at Democrat meetings when Sen. Barbara Buono walks in the room and needs to count her supporters.

TRENTON – Caught in a fender-bender? Cops may soon be allowed to ask motorists for their cell phones to see if they have been texting and driving. CBS reports the bill was proposed in the State Senate for cops responding to accidents. While the law is logical, constitutional experts will have plenty to say about privacy issues. For example, is the content of the alleged texting admissible in court? What, then, is private information and what is public information? And, can police also then ask people to sacrifice their cell phones for other alleged legal infractions? This all sounds like a subsection of the Patriot Act, circa 2004.

UP IN THE AIR – The ongoing issue of airport security has reared its sleepy head once again, with the NY Post taking photos of alleged security guards snoozing on the job at JFK. Counter-terrorism experts say airport security is a joke, as the terminals hire private firms to do the work. Then, to maximize profits, these firms hire warm bodies, give them minimal training and pay, slap on a badge and ask them to at least look like security guards if anyone asks. It's like John Candy in "Armed & Dangerous." Just without the humor.

ON THE PHONE – Hate telemarketers? Then stop buying whatever they are selling. NJSpotlight reports phone campaigns have been a great way for power suppliers to drum up business in New Jersey, convincing homeowners to switch from a traditional utility to get a cheaper price for natural gas. As of April, 16 percent of the state's 3.3 million electric customers - more than a half-million people - switched to these third-party suppliers. So, expect telemarketers to leave tonight's meatloaf cold and rubbery.

MANASQUAN – The mark of a good fisherman: when a prized fish voluntarily jumps in your boat. That was the case in Manasquan, reports the Asbury Park Press, when a 300-pound, 8-foot-long mako shark leaped into a fishing boat and began eating everything it could, including a broomstick and cushions. It took the fisherman about 25 seconds to hook the thrashing fish, which is now likely stuffed and adorning a wall somewhere – a story for fishermen lore.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

A new podiatrist study shows it takes just one hour, six minutes and 48 seconds for the average woman's feet to pound from being strapped into high heels. Some women, report Britain's College of Podiatry, can't make it for more than 20 minutes. But women keep buying those high-heeled shoes, and take all the pain that goes with it. Meanwhile, the same report showed only 12 percent of men said they would intentionally wear uncomfortable shoes. That also may explain why many men choose to wear sweatsuits out to dinner, as their lady friends wince as they limp to the table.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1994 that music industry honchoes realized they really, really needed new talent, as the B-52's "Meet the Flintstones" somehow reached #33 on the Billboard charts. It was a gay old time.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – If you ever considered the career title of "United States Senator," now may be your golden opportunity. But you only have until 4 p.m. today to file your paperwork with state election officials, before you then embark on your campaign to woo hundreds of thousands of voters and raise millions for your campaign war chest. You also face some competition from the likes of Newark Mayor Cory Booker, Rep. Rush Holt, Rep. Frank Pallone, Assembly Speaker Sheila Oliver and some guy who used to be mayor of Bogota.

ON CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Some political pundits – and, yes, New Jersey is filled with 'em – think the Senate race is squarely Booker v. Pallone. And that makes for an interesting match-up. Booker has no experience on Capitol Hill, so Pallone will be talking about inexperience. Meanwhile, Pallone has been sitting in the House since 1989, has sponsored tons of legislation and has supported "ObamaCare." So, there's plenty for Booker to attack.

BROOKLYN – The Nets fled New Jersey, so we've intentionally limited their ink here. But word that former Nets great Jason Kidd could return as the head coach can't be ignored. Kidd just announced his retirement and has barely unlaced his Nikes. Yet, the Nets think the point guard – who has never coached a game – should be elevated to one of the highest profile gigs in professional sports. Shouldn't they stick Kidd at some college for a couple of years for some much-needed experience? Rutgers could use a good assistant.

UNION CITY – There was a time if a Republican was found in Hudson County, he would be promptly heaved off the Pulaski Skyway, his body left in the marshes on the Essex County side. But the evolution of Gov. Chris Christie has left Democrats to do some crazy things. The latest involves State Sen. Brian Stack and his Assembly running mates, who are actually giving the GOP Governor their endorsement, PolitickerNJ reports. Generations of Hudson County political bosses are rolling in their jewel-encrusted graves.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

NEW YORK – Some coalition serving as a front for the tobacco industry has released a scathing report, showing mass unemployment in bodegas and grocery stores if the Bloomberg Administration dares tighten restrictions on who sells tobacco. The NY Post reports the bogus "Save our Stores" coalition is calling for doom and gloom, with 21 percent of tobacco merchants snuffed out of the city, destroying 9,741 jobs and creating turmoil rippling through families and neighborhoods. A black market would arise, as tobacco shortages would leave people desperate, huddled masses yearning to breathe Marlboro Lights. And what is the response of callous city officials? Well, they don't want kids to get hooked on a life-long addiction.

HOUSTON – Don't mess with Texas. Or in the case of a Houston doctor, don't mess with the colleague you are sleeping with. The girlfriend, who happens to a breast cancer oncologist at the University of Texas, is facing stiff charges for poisoning the doctor's coffee. Here's how it went down, the Houston Chronicle reports: She hands him a steaming cup of coffee, laced with ethylene glycol, a chemical used in anti-freeze. He says, "Hey, I like my coffee black!" She convinces him to gulp it, he ends up in the ER with kidney failure. In related news, Starbucks notes its premium Reserve® coffee is currently without ethylene glycol.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1990 that Burger King announced it is using Paul Newman's salad dressing – the profits of which go to charity. It made sense; as we all know, mega-fast food chains are all about improving the world.

ON THE HUNT – With the passing of Sen. Frank Lautenberg, you'd think state Republicans would see a golden opportunity to score the big seat, with the backing of ultra-popular Gov. Chris Christie. But interest from any real contenders has been tepid. The Governor appointed Attorney General Jeff Chiesa for the temp job, but he has no interest in running for the full-time gig. Neither does Sen. Tom Kean, Jr. or Assemblyman Jon Bramnick. If there is a Republican out there with, say, $3 million burning in his pocket – and we know you are out there – you can be a legitimate candidate for U.S. Senate. No experience required.

CUMBERLAND – Many don't know, but New Jersey has been quietly buying up thousands of guns since December. The state heads to the sticks today, holding its seventh gun buyback from churches in Vineland, Millville and Bridgeton. It's a good deal: residents get up to $250 for every gun they hand over; no questions asked. In Cumberland County, where there are more guns than teeth, lines could be out the door. The big question: Does 88-year-old grandma still need that Colt 45?

BERGEN COUNTY – The final length of the 30th-annual "Torch Run" heads through a rain-soaked Bergen County this morning, finishing off a 750-mile trek involving more than 3,000 cops and Special Olympics athletes, as the build-up culminates with opening ceremonies tonight of the summer games this weekend in Ewing.

ELIZABETH – As the sides line up for Christie v. Buono, there's a much more interesting match brewing within the state Democrats: Lesniak v. O'Donnell. While Sen. Barbara Buono has thrown her support to Assemblyman Jason O'Donnell for state Democratic chair, there are now more than three dozen high-ranking Democrats who want Sen. Ray Lesniak to have the job, Politicker reports. While O'Donnell certainly has a future, the Democrats need to win now. And they need a party chair who can rake in the bucks. That man is Ray Lesniak.

ON AIR – "Ha, ha," says Gov. Chris Christie. "Boy, that Jon Stewart is hilarious," the Governor adds, wiping his eyes after another bout of laughter. It sure was hysterical, Christie says, when Stewart showed embarrassing footage from a 2009 press conference, in which Christie said no responsible governor would call for a special election that would cost $10 million. Now, the governor is calling for a special election, costing $24 million. Christie says Stewart is taking it all out of context, that funny, funny man. Ha Ha.

Christie's quote on the matter: "So what I was saying at the time was they were talking about this in the context of Gov. Corzine's conduct when he replaced himself and my statement was no responsible governor would spend $10 million on a special election to replace themselves, that was the context of the statement." Hmm.

NEW PROVIDENCE – You have your typical 5K runs. And then you have what the NJ Sharing Network manages to put together every year. There are now more than 6,000 participants and more than 300 teams who will converge on New Providence this Sunday morning, with an estimated $750,000 as the fundraising goal to support organ and tissue donation. It is a massive undertaking, requiring months of planning and coordination. It all pays off Sunday when runners/walkers take their mark, get set and go.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

NEW YORK – More important than any vote for Mayor, Ben & Jerry's is asking voters to create the perfect ice cream for New York. Perhaps it could be called the "Egg Cream," after all the egg cream sodas that have been gulped down in New York. Or call it the "Five Boroughs," as someone suggested to 1010 WINS, with five flavors mashed into one. Or how about include some strawberry jam, symbolizing the "Traffic Jam" of Manhattan. Or how about call it the "Melting Pot," after all the....well, never mind.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 2011, a perfectly glorious spring day, in which children across America shut the windows, drew the curtains and fiddled with the thermometer to achieve the perfect climate controlled atmosphere, as they spent the next 37 hours playing Nintendo's new Wii game console, released that day. Fortunately, no fresh air, sunshine or new friends permeated.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – It's been quickly dubbed in New Jersey political circles as "the $24 million election." It's the special vote Gov. Chris Christie has called for Oct. 16 to replace Frank Lautenberg in the Senate. This taxpayer-funded election is being held just 14 business days before the Nov. 5 general election, when Christie is on the ballot. One cannot question the sharpness of the Governor's political mind, as he recognizes a Democrat will win the Senate seat, and he doesn't want that Democrat on the ticket when he runs for re-election in November. Pretty sneaky, yes, but it took Democrats and the media about 0.3 seconds to call him out.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – There is talk the Governor can name a temporary successor to Frank Lautenberg this week, as we hear there is a big vote next week in the Senate on immigration reform. We can assume plenty of Senate hopefuls are calling the Governor with a sudden and keen interest in his kids, hobbies and perhaps his favorite low-calorie salad dressing. PolitickerNJ and others are reporting a flurry of names for the temp job, assuming whoever is selected will be the Governor's choice for permanent status during the $24 million election.

BOGOTA – These special elections always bring out the dark horse candidates, who see the quick campaign season as a cheap and easy way to remind the voters they are still breathing. Case in point is ultra conservative activist Steve Lonegan, announcing today he is running for the GOP nomination in the Aug. 13 primary for the Senate seat. Lonegan has two failed runs for Governor; his only victory has been elected mayor of Bogota.

EATONTOWN – A bankrupt engineering firm - decimated by charges of illegal campaign contributions and indictments of seven executives - will live on. A court has approved the $5.6 million sale of Birdsall Engineering to a California engineering firm. There were no other bids for Birdsall, the Record reports. We can assume the winning bidder is getting the talent at Birdsall for a song; it had been a wildly successful company that seemed to have contracts anywhere and everywhere, contributing to its demise.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

NEW YORK – A Manhattan court has ruled a compulsive gambler is all out of aces, tossing his long-shot lawsuit against the Foxwoods casino and the Indian tribe that runs it. The gambler, who made 175 trips to Foxwoods before his wife threw him out in 2000 for his, er, problem, said the casino sent him tons of marketing materials in the mail, luring him back. It worked, with the gambler blowing $3 million in blackjack and craps. But the court says the Mashantucket Pequot tribe is protected from litigation because of "sovereign immunity." The gambler hopes to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, where Vegas has his odds for a hearing at a billion to 1.

ON THE FIELD – We all have fond memories of the New York Cosmos playing their hearts out – and winning soccer championships – at Giants Stadium in the late 70s. And so we are all a bit leery of this second-tier North American Soccer League that is starting this summer, featuring a reincarnated Cosmos team playing out of some random stadium in Hempstead, NY. The new Cosmos were able to drag a 72-year-old Pele out at as the team's honorary president. The soccer great was at least 30 minutes late for the press conference in Manhattan, a likely indicator of his enthusiasm for the "Cosmos."

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1944 that is forever known as D-Day. Among the many events today to mark the 69th anniversary, an 86-year-old Navy veteran and Mays Landing resident, Peter Fantacone, will be at the Coast Guard Training Center in Cape May to share his recollections of invading Normandy. D-Day vets are fewer and fewer each year; now is the time to hear from them and share their stories.

MENDHAM – As Gov. Chris Christie knots his tie this morning, while enjoying a sensible and nutritious breakfast, he likely has just one thing on his mind: those damn 17,655 voters. Who are these Republicans who dared go to the polls yesterday and vote for his primary challenger - some unknown from South Jersey? What is a matter with these people, Christie asks himself, enjoying a small glass of orange juice. Sure, the Governor got 92 percent of the vote, with more than 200,000 Republicans giving him the thumb's up. But, Christie wants to know the deal with these 17,655 voters, politely declining butter on his toast. The goal, of course, was a clean sweep.

ON AIR – Barbara Buono is taking a page fresh from the Governor's playbook this morning, hitting as much early morning television as possible following her easy primary win last night. You'll see her collecting as much free media as she can, beginning at 8:10 a.m. with Fox 5's "Good Day New York" show and ending at 11:06 a.m., when she plops down with Brian Lehrer on WNYC radio.

ATLANTIC CITY – While Gov. Chris Christie plans his deep, dark revenge on those 17,655 Republican voters, don't think he's not also seething over the primary win of Atlantic City Mayor Lorenzo Langford, who scored 50 percent of the vote in an election with a stunningly low turnout. Langford lives another day, after just 1,931 voters cast ballots for him. Christie publicly considers Langford one of the worst mayors of America – someone he will be dealing with for Four More Years.

NEW YORK – If there's an ideal day for Sen. Frank Lautenberg's funeral, it would be today. Fresh off the primary election, with both sides digging in for yet another politically-charged season, all head to the Park Avenue Synagogue in Manhattan to pay last respects. You have the added drama of the Governor's announcement yesterday that a primary and general election will be held for Lautenberg's seat before the November general election, with some in the pews today quietly plotting who will be thrown to the wolves. All in all, plenty of simmering political intrigue – as they sit today before the master to pay homage.

NEW YORK – In a funeral befitting a king, Sen. Frank Lautenberg is to be eulogized today by Vice President Joe Biden, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and Sen. Robert Menendez. A color guard ceremony is then planned this afternoon at the Frank Lautenberg Rail Station in Secaucus, where his casket will be put on an Amtrak train to Washington. His casket will lie in repose tomorrow in the Senate chamber, on the Lincoln Catafalque, a bier built for the coffin of Abraham Lincoln. And then, Lautenberg will be laid to rest Friday at Arlington National Cemetery, among his brethren who served in World War II.

PRINCETON – With word the merged Princetons plan to save an estimated $3 million a year through consolidation, it's hard to ignore the fact that 565 towns are still plowing along in New Jersey, trying to make ends meet through a daunting duplication of services. Today, Courage to Connect New Jersey holds its third-annual seminar on the benefits of consolidation at Princeton University, using the community as a living laboratory to show that, hey, we may be better together.

NEW BRUNSWICK – With the two gubernatorial candidates sleeping their way to easy primary wins yesterday, it may be pretty quiet at today's Eagleton Institute of Politics' "The Morning After" program, in which political scientists review the election results. Perhaps there can be a last-minute switch in the agenda to focus on the hot race for Lautenberg's seat and the political ramifications of potential winners and losers. That should keep professors jabbering for hours.

CAMDEN – It is not so newsworthy when another old, long-abandoned building crumbles into dust in Camden. But the Campbell Soup Company vows it is a good thing, as it begins intentionally demolishing the Sears Building today on Admiral Wilson Boulevard. It is all part of a grand plan to create the "Gateway District" in Camden. Whatever the redevelopment plan is, it sure sounds good to us.

EAST ORANGE – It's hard for a politician to come back from an extramarital sex scandal. Yet East Orange Mayor Robert Bowser was refusing defeat late last night, despite Lester Taylor declaring victory and a sweep of the candidate slate. The good news: Bowser can now spend more time with his wife.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1987 "Nightline" presented its first Town Hall meeting. The subject was AIDS, prompting the show to run to 3:47 a.m. And, yes, that included only a brief discussion about Ted Koppel's hair.

MENDHAM – As Gov. Chris Christie knots his tie this morning, while enjoying a sensible and nutritious breakfast, he likely has just one thing on his mind: those damn 17,655 voters. Who are these Republicans who dared go to the polls yesterday and vote for his primary challenger - some unknown from South Jersey? What is a matter with these people, Christie asks himself, enjoying a small glass of orange juice. Sure, the Governor got 92 percent of the vote, with more than 200,000 Republicans giving him the thumb's up. But, Christie wants to know the deal with these 17,655 voters, politely declining butter on his toast. The goal, of course, was a clean sweep.

ON AIR – Barbara Buono is taking a page fresh from the Governor's playbook this morning, hitting as much early morning television as possible following her easy primary win last night. You'll see her collecting as much free media as she can, beginning at 8:10 a.m. with Fox 5's "Good Day New York" show and ending at 11:06 a.m., when she plops down with Brian Lehrer on WNYC radio.

ATLANTIC CITY – While Gov. Chris Christie plans his deep, dark revenge on those 17,655 Republican voters, don't think he's not also seething over the primary win of Atlantic City Mayor Lorenzo Langford, who scored 50 percent of the vote in an election with a stunningly low turnout. Langford lives another day, after just 1,931 voters cast ballots for him. Christie publicly considers Langford one of the worst mayors of America – someone he will be dealing with for Four More Years.

NEW YORK – If there's an ideal day for Sen. Frank Lautenberg's funeral, it would be today. Fresh off the primary election, with both sides digging in for yet another politically-charged season, all head to the Park Avenue Synagogue in Manhattan to pay last respects. You have the added drama of the Governor's announcement yesterday that a primary and general election will be held for Lautenberg's seat before the November general election, with some in the pews today quietly plotting who will be thrown to the wolves. All in all, plenty of simmering political intrigue – as they sit today before the master to pay homage.

NEW YORK – In a funeral befitting a king, Sen. Frank Lautenberg is to be eulogized today by Vice President Joe Biden, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and Sen. Robert Menendez. A color guard ceremony is then planned this afternoon at the Frank Lautenberg Rail Station in Secaucus, where his casket will be put on an Amtrak train to Washington. His casket will lie in repose tomorrow in the Senate chamber, on the Lincoln Catafalque, a bier built for the coffin of Abraham Lincoln. And then, Lautenberg will be laid to rest Friday at Arlington National Cemetery, among his brethren who served in World War II.

PRINCETON – With word the merged Princetons plan to save an estimated $3 million a year through consolidation, it's hard to ignore the fact that 565 towns are still plowing along in New Jersey, trying to make ends meet through a daunting duplication of services. Today, Courage to Connect New Jersey holds its third-annual seminar on the benefits of consolidation at Princeton University, using the community as a living laboratory to show that, hey, we may be better together.

NEW BRUNSWICK – With the two gubernatorial candidates sleeping their way to easy primary wins yesterday, it may be pretty quiet at today's Eagleton Institute of Politics' "The Morning After" program, in which political scientists review the election results. Perhaps there can be a last-minute switch in the agenda to focus on the hot race for Lautenberg's seat and the political ramifications of potential winners and losers. That should keep professors jabbering for hours.

CAMDEN – It is not so newsworthy when another old, long-abandoned building crumbles into dust in Camden. But the Campbell Soup Company vows it is a good thing, as it begins intentionally demolishing the Sears Building today on Admiral Wilson Boulevard. It is all part of a grand plan to create the "Gateway District" in Camden. Whatever the redevelopment plan is, it sure sounds good to us.

EAST ORANGE – It's hard for a politician to come back from an extramarital sex scandal. Yet East Orange Mayor Robert Bowser was refusing defeat late last night, despite Lester Taylor declaring victory and a sweep of the candidate slate. The good news: Bowser can now spend more time with his wife.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1987 "Nightline" presented its first Town Hall meeting. The subject was AIDS, prompting the show to run to 3:47 a.m. And, yes, that included only a brief discussion about Ted Koppel's hair.

MIAMI BEACH – When you enter a swanky South Beach hotel, you expect a cold drink and a warm smile. You don't expect to be attacked by a gaggle of enraged hookers. But that was the case for a 34-year-old Medford woman, who the prostitutes thought was invading their turf at the "W" hotel, the Miami Herald reports. The hotel patron, 5-foot-1 and 105 pounds, was tackled to the ground Jan. 19, while her husband tried to fight off the hookers with his crutches. The couple has now announced their lawsuit; no comment yet from the hotel or the hookers.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – It took less than two hours after the announcement of Sen. Frank Lautenberg's death yesterday for media to begin talking about his potential successors. Like everything else in New Jersey, it all depends on our moderate GOP Gov. Chris Christie. He can appoint a Republican until a special election, and score points with the national party that could ride him into the White House. Or he could recognize it is a long-time Democratic seat in a long-time Democratic state, and hand it off early to the heir apparent, Newark Mayor Cory Booker. We say he goes Republican, avoiding a dagger in a national GOP primary.

FLEMINGTON – A wanna-be Nazi thirsting for attention showed up at the Hunterdon County Courthouse yesterday in a full Third Reich uniform with stormtrooper boots and the armband. He even brought some stern-looking Nazi chick as part of some silly attempt to prove to a judge that he is perfectly sane to care for his toddler, Heinrich, the NY Post reports. You may remember this white supremacist; he gets press every couple of years because he named another son "Hitler." The racist's three older kids – all named after Nazis and his other favorite Aryans – have since been adopted by normal people. In any case, this Nazi's visit to the courthouse was pointless; the case was postponed.

IN THE VICTORY CIRCLE – Pep rallies are planned this evening to celebrate the primary "victories" of Gov. Chris Christie and Democratic contender Barbara Buono, as they handily defeat some no-name challengers for the party ticket. Christie will be in Bridgewater; Buono in Edison. It will be a numbers game, as both sides will want their victory parties filled to the walls to show support. Advertising an open bar never hurts.

ATLANTIC CITY – The campaign to watch today is in Atlantic City, where Christie nemesis Mayor Lorenzo Langford is fighting for his political life. You may remember Langford from such colorful Christie quotes as, Atlantic City has "a mayor who has no idea what he's doing" and the city has one of the nation's worst-run "most God-awful wasteful governments in America." The county Democrats appear to agree with Christie, backing Freeholder Charles Garrett for the job.

SOUTH ORANGE – Admissions officers at Seton Hall University may get a stern talking to, after one of them, at some point, accepted a former student who is now charged with a bomb threat that prompted the evacuation of the entire campus last Thursday. The 24-year-old former student, now residing at the Westchester County jail on unrelated charges, will be extradited to Essex County to face charges. Let's assume he is not the pride of Pirate Blue.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1974 that marketing geniuses working for the Cleveland Indians offered "10-Cent Beer Night." Cleveland Municipal Stadium was tipsy by the second inning and downright sloshed by the seventh inning stretch. But it didn't get really messy until the ninth, when drunks stumbled onto the field, causing the Indians to forfeit a game to the Rangers with the score tied 5-5.

WASHINGTON - We join the chorus of New Jerseyans to express our condolences for the passing of Sen. Frank Lautenberg, the longest serving senator in New Jersey history, who died of viral pneumonia at age 89, according to media reports.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Ever heard of Seth Grossman or Troy Webster? If not, you aren't alone, as they are the primary gubernatorial challengers primed for defeat in tomorrow's election. Grossman, a former Atlantic County freeholder, is about to be pummeled on the GOP side by Gov. Chris Christie. Webster, an aide to embattled East Orange Mayor Robert Bowser, will easily lose the Democratic primary. They are such non-factors that Christie and Democrat Barbara Buono have gotten a head start beating each other up. In any case, stop by your polling place tomorrow to wake up the workers.

BAYONNE – When voters trickle to the polls tomorrow, Gov. Chris Christie wants a big newspaper headline. And so he heads today to Bayonne, flanked by union leaders to announce plans for the $1.3 billion Bayonne Bridge project, as well as a $2 billion harbor dredge. Plans to raise the bridge have been in the works for the past few years to accommodate the larger cargo ships sailing from the expanded Panama Canal in 2015, but kudos for the well-timed announcement of old news.

ON THE RAILS – Rail commuters know if they leave home at 7:35 a.m., get on the 7:49 a.m. train, arrive in Penn Station at 8:37 a.m., grab a bagel and coffee from the guy at 38th and 7th, they will arrive at their desks promptly at 8:58 a.m. So you can bet when they get word that NJ Transit is tinkering with the schedule it will throw them into a tizzy. NJ Transit says to blame Amtrak, which is taking Track 4 out of service for a few months, prompting NJ Transit to redo the schedule with slightly longer travel times. So, commuters may have to forgo that bagel to get to work on time.

CLARK – The alleged killer known throughout the Internet as "Kai the Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker" will be heading into court this morning on charges he beat to death a 73-year-old lawyer at his Clark home. He became an Internet star in February, when he intervened in an attack on a Fresno, Calif. utility worker. But that star has fallen, as prosecutors will focus more on the "hatchet-wielding" side of this guy's story.

STATEWIDE – Pathmark was founded in 1968 as the"path" for easy, one-stop shopping, and the "mark" as one of the most successful supermarket retailers. Yeah, well you can bet those founders would be fuming at a Consumer Reports study that shows Pathmark is the worst grocery chain in America, with 75 percent of shoppers surveyed having at least one complaint for service, food quality or cleanliness. Before Walmart starts laughing and pointing, it is important to note it was the runner-up.

OUT OF THE OFFICE – Wonder if the IRS will pick up on the "conference" you attended at Disneyland with your family? Well, let's say the attention is now refocused, as government watchdogs are attacking the beleaguered IRS for blowing about $50 million on sending employees to conferences from 2010 to 2012. The Record reports a whole bunch of embarrassing stuff, including a 2010 conference for 2,600 IRS employees, including stays in the "Presidential Suite," baseball tickets and tens of thousands wasted on motivational speakers, one of whom told IRS agents about all "leadership through art."

OCEAN GROVE – A lot of grousing at the shore this weekend from frustrated home and business owners who think FEMA is giving them the shaft. Checks have trickled in; many say they are getting reimbursements for pennies on the dollar. Hard to defend FEMA with word that it has refused to help fix Ocean Grove's mile-long boardwalk because it is run by the Ocean Grove Camp Meeting Association, a private non-profit who uses the boardwalk as a "recreational use." Nice loophole, FEMA.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1987 that France looked further down upon us silly Americans, with our silly movies and our silly actors. Yes, it was the day "Pee-wee's Big Adventure" opened in Paris. Sigh.

MONMOUTH COUNTY – What? The temperatures reach the 90-degree mark and the water company is already calling to save water? That's the case in Monmouth County, where New Jersey American Water tells the Asbury Park Press the county's population has swelled from 8,000 people in 1913 to 800,000 people in 2013. Yet the amount of available water has remained the same. And some of the water company's pipes haven't been replaced since the days of Woodrow Wilson, raising an alarm bell or two about the unbelievable need for an upgrade. Meanwhile, don't you dare water your lawn today...or for the rest of the summer.

HOLMDEL – NJ Transit is gearing up to be the buzz kill tonight for the Pitbull and Ke$ha show at the Garden State Arts Center. The North Jersey Coast Line officially goes dry before, during and after the show, the Asbury Park Press reports. It's a real downer for concertgoers, but they aren't the ones cleaning up the trains after teen-agers keep taking shots of the red sugary stuff.

BOGOTA – Perhaps landscapers have hired a local lobbyist in Bogota. It seems the only logical explanation for a Big Brother ordinance from the borough, telling homeowners they can be slapped with a fine if their lawns grow taller than four inches. The Record reports the town will not be driving around will rulers and shouting "AHA!" But town leaders did amend the ordinance that originally permitted 10-inch-high grass.

NORTHFIELD – Assemblyman Chris Brown, an attorney who has managed to rise up and secure a seat in the state Legislature tells the media that his momentary lack of election law knowledge is "human error." He says it was all an innocent boo-boo that he posted a campaign event on the Internet using his official letterhead and offering phone numbers of staff in the taxpayer-funded Assembly Republican Office, the Philly Ink reports. It is a legitimate mistake if you are seeking re-election to, say, the Northfield city council, not the General Assembly.

IRVINGTON – Habitat for Humanity Newark keeps to the mission, joining city officials and TD Ameritrade this morning to break ground on a new home on Park Place in Irvington. Volunteers will soon be asked to join with a Habitat family to help build the home. Donations – either cash or time – will be welcomed. Click here to learn more.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

AT THE AIRPORT – Why should drug smuggling be a young man's game? One granny was out to fatten her retirement savings, enjoying the bounty that comes with being a drug mule. Except she was nabbed when customs inspectors noted her wheelchair was freshly painted, the Daily News reports. So, she was wheeled over to a separate room at Kennedy, where agents noted her wheelchair was both heavy and flimsy. Sure enough, heroin and cocaine had been stuffed inside. Granny quickly broke down, saying she was promised $12,000 to move the drugs from the Dominican Republic. Perhaps she should've stuck with Bingo at the local parish.

ELMO'S WORLD – It's pretty bleak on Sesame Street these days, as Elmo's puppet master was back in court yesterday trying to get some lawsuits dropped. He's accused of sex with boys; Elmo's attorney argued the suits should be tossed because of statute of limitations. No ruling yet from the judge, but this guy should pay dearly for shattering the image of our pal Elmo.

IN THE MEDIA

NEW YORK – No doubt the newspaper business is eager for new revenue streams. And you can count on the New York Post to find some cash in the strangest of places. The newspaper is now offering its "Headlines Tour," in which tourists can take a $49 bus tour of some sites immortalized in memorable headlines, the NY Times reports.

Head to the Plaza Hotel for the headline: "Trashed! Sheen in Coke-&-Hooker Rampage at the Plaza," in which Charlie Sheen destroyed a room with a drugged-out porn star. Visit St. Patrick's for "Pew-Trid Pervs," in which two Opie & Anthony fans had on-air sex in a cathedral vestibule. There's also "Chute and Miss" at the Empire State Building, where a daredevil tried to parachute off the observation desk.

The tour falls short, however, by not taking tourists out to Jamaica, Queens to see the bar forever linked to this headline: "Headless Women Found in Topless Bar."

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1991 that the world celebrated the oldest bride, Minnie Munro, married at 102. Attendees took advantage of waiting the full year to give a gift.