The Jaffe Briefing - November 9, 2017
OUR TAKE ON THE NEWS IN NEW JERSEY
WAYNE - Should diners surcharge teens? Let's just assume they are terrible tippers, but some are questioning if the Wayne Hills Diner has gone too far by adding an 18 percent tip on any orders from kids. The diner argues that an influx of teens ties up the wait staff, who we assume are busy trying to serve customers who have more than $4 in their Velcro wallets. And the diner specifically states it can add an 18 percent tip at its discretion, NBC reports. Fine. But, listen kids, you have the ultimate discretion: deciding which business you should patronize to buy your chicken fingers and fries.
STATEWIDE - Please pee in this cup. Thank you... Please pee in this cup. Thank you. Yes, there is absolutely no glory in being a school nurse. And there is no surprise that New Jersey has a shortage of school nurses. Each school in the state is required to have a certified school nurse, NJ 101.5 reports. But school districts don't pay as well as clinical settings, many earning the same pay as an entry-level teacher, around $50,000 or so. School nurses also need to have a certain type of temperament, dealing with kids complaining of this-or-that, and trying to decipher who actually has a legitimate ailment and who didn't study for the algebra test. And there is always that need for kids to attempt to pee in that dang cup.
FRANKLIN BOROUGH - It was a pretty dim bright spot for New Jersey Republicans on Tuesday when Parker Space, the Sussex County Republican known for his sympathy for Confederate flags, cruised to reelection to a second term in the New Jersey Assembly. Space's campaign was also pockmarked with his labeling a Democratic opponent in the 24th district a "bitch" and his Assembly challenger an "elitist 1 percenter." Space acknowledged people didn't understand his "working class humor," but voters seemed perfectly fine with it.
RARITAN CENTER - Billed as the "largest adult event in the USA dedicated to love and sex," Exxxotica returned last weekend, adding some spice to sprawling Raritan Center. Families interested in the event needn't worry about nudity and other unmentionables, though. Instead, attendees were treated to wholesome, professional-grade whippings and spankings, respectable "camgirls" entertaining internet clients, moral adult pleasure products, and virtuous sex seminars and other main-stage attractions. Our favorite seminar? Well, it's a toss-up between "Sex Swings & Vibrating Things: How To Use And Care For Sex Accessories" and "BDSM Exploratorium With Bo Blaze." (Editor's Note: No clue what that is.)
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL - Just when you thought you saw the last of Joe Piscopo in political circles, he's back. This time, our favorite stand-up comedian is vowing to run for Sen. Robert Menendez's U.S. Senate seat in 2018. Piscopo, who does the best Frank Sinatra impersonation ever, floated around the DNC 2016 in Philadelphia telling people he would run for governor of New Jersey. He has since told Fox Business Network that "If they asked and if the people needed me, I would go in." It's unclear just who is asking Piscopo to run, except perhaps Menendez, who really needs an easy win right about now.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
CAIRO - One man's bachelorhood ended with a bang. On the night before his wedding on Tuesday, as men were celebrating during a stag party, guests decided to shoot off their guns in his honor, a traditional Middle Eastern thing. One bullet landed straight in the 28-year-old groom's genitals, the New York Postreports, which we assume prompted a collective gasp. The injured groom, identified in international media as Osman Al-A, took a bullet in his penis, thigh and hand. Unclear if Tuesday's wedding was called off, but we can certainly assume bridezilla was not pleased.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
When it comes to famous, sick, twisted, murderers from New Jersey, John List tops that, er, list. It was this day in 1971 that the Westfield man murdered his entire family in his house and then moved to Colorado.
WORD OF THE DAY
Earthshine - [URTH-shahyn] - adjective
Definition: The faint illumination of the part of the moon not illuminated by sunlight, as during the crescent phase.
Example: I was in the darkness, save for the earthshine, until I saw the gleaming lights of the Exxxotica show.
WEATHER IN A WORD
Posted in Morning Briefing